I was thinking today about all the things that piss me off about being tall, and man there's a lot. Being a 6'9, 290lb guy you would think life would be pretty good, I mean, no one would fuck with someone that big.....right? Wrong. Here are a few things that seriously piss me off. Anyone over 6'4 will appreciate this list.
1. "Hey man, do you play basketball?
Simple question, harmless question, obvious question. However, when you get asked this question on a daily basis for 10 years it suddenly becomes very infuriating, especially since I don't even really like basketball. People assume that since I am tall, I must be an all pro basketball player, which couldn't be further from the truth. So I can either tell them the truth and then get invited to every fucking basketball game known to man, that I have no desire to participate in or I can say "No" and listen to some shit head give me a lecture on how I squandered my gift height and how I suck for it.
2. "Hey man, can I ask you a question? How tall are you?"
First off, it doesn't matter if I say yes or no to the first question, they're going to ask either way, saying "sure" just makes it go by quicker and less awkward like. Second off, what the fuck do you care? What, are you going to convert my height into metric then multiply by 5 and use the numbers on your lottery ticket or something? Shut the fuck up, it is of no concern to you. I don't go around asking short people how tall they aren't, so stop asking me useless questions that I have no time for.
3. "Hey man, you look big and strong, can you help me move my couch up 4 flights of stairs?"
No. Fuck you. Fuck your family and your children. I am big and strong, but I'm not dumb enough to move your furniture up multiple levels of housing for charity. Let's just say I'm big and strong enough to put you into the hospital and then steal your stupid couch, because I hate you.
4. "Hey man, I's could kickin in your ass faggit.....*burp*
I learned long ago that being the biggest dude at a party is usually a bad thing. Every drunk asshole in there decides at some point or another that he can kick your ass, and then later decides that he must try. Personally, I think I may have been in around 2 or 3 fights of my own free will in my life, however, I've had to fight at least 15 times against my free will because some 5 foot 2 drunk asshole with Napoleons Syndrome decided that kicking my ass would make his life better.
Reality check. 6'9 290lb sober guy vs. 5'2 150lb drunk asshole = a short drunk guy pueking up blood whilst laying in his own piss.
5. "Door Hinges"
Ever payed attention to the little door catch at the top of the door frame that pulls the door shut? If you are short you haven't, if you are tall like me, you fear them. If I had a dollar for every time I've smashed my face into one of those, I would be rich. I hate those things.
6. Clothes and the Big and Tall Stores
Forget getting clothes for Christmas, if you don't buy them yourself you can guarantee they will not fit. So instead, you get nothing for Christmas, but that's another story. Shirts are not so much of a problem, they just have to be long shirts. I couldn't imagine being a tall fat guy, because you would just have to wear a tarp, but anyways...getting off track here. Pants. Forget it. I have two pairs of jeans and two pairs of slacks, that's it. Shopping for jeans is like stabbing yourself in the face with Courtney Loves anal thermometer over and over again, because NO ONE has my size. Ever. You would think that Big & Tall stores would...but no. B&T sucks a dick, the dumb ass salesman always has this look of "Oh shit" when I walk in the door, because he knows that he doesn't have anything that will fit. It's usually around this time that I just turn around and walk out, but for some reason or another the salesman feels the need to chase you out the door to try and sell me something I don't need, like a tie or something. Go die in a massive building fire B&T salesman.
7. "Hey! Hey everyone, this is my friend Andrew!"
Actually, no, no it's not. I'm not your friend. Just because I'm tall and you talked to me this one time and I was polite, doesn't mean I'm your friend. When I'm back home and walking through a Wal-Mart and some asshole see's me and brings his "friends" over to meet me, I just want to pull down my pants and piss on their feet. There are only about 6-7 people in the entire world I consider a true friend, and your not one of them. I tolerate people or I hate people. Leave me alone so I can buy some fucking toilet paper, asshole.
8. Hey, lets take my car!
HEY! LETS FUCKING NOT AND SAY WE DID!! How the fuck do you think I am going to fit into your goddamned Geo Metro or your ugly ass Caviler or Civic!? Why don't I just stuff you into a baby carriage and push you around, swerving and slamming on the brakes like a goddamned retard. How about that? Unless you have a big truck, we're taking mine, and if you don't like it, then walk. I swear, if the airbag in my girlfriends car ever went off it would break my knees and probably decapitate me in some way or another. If you drive a small car, I hate you.
Not to say being tall doesn't have it's benefits, but this stuff pisses me off on a daily basis.
1. "Hey man, do you play basketball?
Simple question, harmless question, obvious question. However, when you get asked this question on a daily basis for 10 years it suddenly becomes very infuriating, especially since I don't even really like basketball. People assume that since I am tall, I must be an all pro basketball player, which couldn't be further from the truth. So I can either tell them the truth and then get invited to every fucking basketball game known to man, that I have no desire to participate in or I can say "No" and listen to some shit head give me a lecture on how I squandered my gift height and how I suck for it.
2. "Hey man, can I ask you a question? How tall are you?"
First off, it doesn't matter if I say yes or no to the first question, they're going to ask either way, saying "sure" just makes it go by quicker and less awkward like. Second off, what the fuck do you care? What, are you going to convert my height into metric then multiply by 5 and use the numbers on your lottery ticket or something? Shut the fuck up, it is of no concern to you. I don't go around asking short people how tall they aren't, so stop asking me useless questions that I have no time for.
3. "Hey man, you look big and strong, can you help me move my couch up 4 flights of stairs?"
No. Fuck you. Fuck your family and your children. I am big and strong, but I'm not dumb enough to move your furniture up multiple levels of housing for charity. Let's just say I'm big and strong enough to put you into the hospital and then steal your stupid couch, because I hate you.
4. "Hey man, I's could kickin in your ass faggit.....*burp*
I learned long ago that being the biggest dude at a party is usually a bad thing. Every drunk asshole in there decides at some point or another that he can kick your ass, and then later decides that he must try. Personally, I think I may have been in around 2 or 3 fights of my own free will in my life, however, I've had to fight at least 15 times against my free will because some 5 foot 2 drunk asshole with Napoleons Syndrome decided that kicking my ass would make his life better.
Reality check. 6'9 290lb sober guy vs. 5'2 150lb drunk asshole = a short drunk guy pueking up blood whilst laying in his own piss.
5. "Door Hinges"
Ever payed attention to the little door catch at the top of the door frame that pulls the door shut? If you are short you haven't, if you are tall like me, you fear them. If I had a dollar for every time I've smashed my face into one of those, I would be rich. I hate those things.
6. Clothes and the Big and Tall Stores
Forget getting clothes for Christmas, if you don't buy them yourself you can guarantee they will not fit. So instead, you get nothing for Christmas, but that's another story. Shirts are not so much of a problem, they just have to be long shirts. I couldn't imagine being a tall fat guy, because you would just have to wear a tarp, but anyways...getting off track here. Pants. Forget it. I have two pairs of jeans and two pairs of slacks, that's it. Shopping for jeans is like stabbing yourself in the face with Courtney Loves anal thermometer over and over again, because NO ONE has my size. Ever. You would think that Big & Tall stores would...but no. B&T sucks a dick, the dumb ass salesman always has this look of "Oh shit" when I walk in the door, because he knows that he doesn't have anything that will fit. It's usually around this time that I just turn around and walk out, but for some reason or another the salesman feels the need to chase you out the door to try and sell me something I don't need, like a tie or something. Go die in a massive building fire B&T salesman.
7. "Hey! Hey everyone, this is my friend Andrew!"
Actually, no, no it's not. I'm not your friend. Just because I'm tall and you talked to me this one time and I was polite, doesn't mean I'm your friend. When I'm back home and walking through a Wal-Mart and some asshole see's me and brings his "friends" over to meet me, I just want to pull down my pants and piss on their feet. There are only about 6-7 people in the entire world I consider a true friend, and your not one of them. I tolerate people or I hate people. Leave me alone so I can buy some fucking toilet paper, asshole.
8. Hey, lets take my car!
HEY! LETS FUCKING NOT AND SAY WE DID!! How the fuck do you think I am going to fit into your goddamned Geo Metro or your ugly ass Caviler or Civic!? Why don't I just stuff you into a baby carriage and push you around, swerving and slamming on the brakes like a goddamned retard. How about that? Unless you have a big truck, we're taking mine, and if you don't like it, then walk. I swear, if the airbag in my girlfriends car ever went off it would break my knees and probably decapitate me in some way or another. If you drive a small car, I hate you.
Not to say being tall doesn't have it's benefits, but this stuff pisses me off on a daily basis.
Last edited by Cougar (2007-02-25 17:21:15)