What have Richard Hammond and George Michael got in common???
They've both got skid marks on thier helmets!!!
P.S. Get well soon RH
They've both got skid marks on thier helmets!!!
P.S. Get well soon RH
Cows Economy:
A Traditional Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
An Australian Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A French Corporation
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A German Corporation
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian Corporation
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A Russian Corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss Corporation
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A Chinese Corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A British Corporation
You have two cows... both are mad.
A New Zealand Corporation
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
A Traditional Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
An Australian Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A French Corporation
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A German Corporation
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian Corporation
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A Russian Corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss Corporation
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A Chinese Corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A British Corporation
You have two cows... both are mad.
A New Zealand Corporation
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
howd the man die?
the fridge fell on him
or,
whats a frogs favorite music?
HIP-HOP
the fridge fell on him
or,
whats a frogs favorite music?
HIP-HOP
tell me why my joke is crap? is it cos you DON'T GET IT?
The following is not true:
I went out one night right.
And this Burglar tried to get into my house.
So he got in through the skylight right over my kithen table.
There was a knife laying on the table.
He fell on the table and cut his leg.
He sued us for 6,000 because he hurt himself because of his own mistake.
HE WON!!!
I went out one night right.
And this Burglar tried to get into my house.
So he got in through the skylight right over my kithen table.
There was a knife laying on the table.
He fell on the table and cut his leg.
He sued us for 6,000 because he hurt himself because of his own mistake.
HE WON!!!
Check out my new Modern Warfare 3 Website! http://mw3network.com
"Doctor, Doctor, everytime I take a drink from a cup of coffee I get a stabbing pain in my eye"
"It's because you have AIDS."
"It's because you have AIDS."
Last edited by Cactusfist (2006-09-25 10:39:22)
We get it. It's just crap.schofield wrote:
tell me why my joke is crap? is it cos you DON'T GET IT?
Man walks into a bar, and sees a wonderful drawf piano player. He goes up to the bar and orders a pint. The abran hands him the pint, and the man asks him: "So where did you get that guy, then?"
"Funny story, actually," says the barman. "I got him from this magic lamp, you see."
"Can i have a go?," says the man.
"Sure," says the barman, and hands it over. The man rubs the lamp. A genie pops out, and says: "I am the genie, you have one wish!"
"I want a million bucks!" the man shouts. Suddenly, the room is filled with quacking. "I said bucks, not ducks!" he shouts.
"Bit deaf, isn't he," says the barman. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
"Funny story, actually," says the barman. "I got him from this magic lamp, you see."
"Can i have a go?," says the man.
"Sure," says the barman, and hands it over. The man rubs the lamp. A genie pops out, and says: "I am the genie, you have one wish!"
"I want a million bucks!" the man shouts. Suddenly, the room is filled with quacking. "I said bucks, not ducks!" he shouts.
"Bit deaf, isn't he," says the barman. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
FUNNY!!!sergeriver wrote:
Cows Economy:
A Traditional Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
An Australian Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A French Corporation
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A German Corporation
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian Corporation
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A Russian Corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss Corporation
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A Chinese Corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A British Corporation
You have two cows... both are mad.
A New Zealand Corporation
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
NOT FUNNY!!!schofield wrote:
theres a MASSIVE car boot sale on at kelvington runway. its only bits and pieces but all of it is TOP GEAR
Gas Attack
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
A Priest, a paedophile, and a homosexual walked into a bar. Well that was the first guy..........
LMAO, super truesergeriver wrote:
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Square Balls
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"
The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"
The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
Irish Job Interview
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
Speech Contest
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
It could also mean "Deer ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today..." I don't know, I just made that line up.sergeriver wrote:
Speech Contest
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
At the immigration desk, somewhere in Europe:
-- Name?
-- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
-- Sex?
-- Four times a week.
-- No, no, no ... male or female?
-- Male, female ... sometimes camel ...
-- Name?
-- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
-- Sex?
-- Four times a week.
-- No, no, no ... male or female?
-- Male, female ... sometimes camel ...
Dirty Jokes (You must be 18 to read this):
1-There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.
The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!
2-A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
3- There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
4- There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.
She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.
When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.
She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."
Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"
Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
5-A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.
The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".
The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".
The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
1-There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.
The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!
2-A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
3- There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
4- There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.
She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.
When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.
She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."
Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"
Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
5-A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.
The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".
The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".
The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns to the priest and screams, " Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"
A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"
His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!
"Daddy, what's a pervert"
"Shut up and keep sucking"
A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"
His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!
"Daddy, what's a pervert"
"Shut up and keep sucking"
I believe you want this thread. http://forums.bf2s.com/viewtopic.php?id=29638{XpLiCiTxX} wrote:
A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns to the priest and screams, " Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"
A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"
His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!
"Daddy, what's a pervert"
"Shut up and keep sucking"
My God Sergeriver! How many jokes have you posted?
Dunno.BlaZin'Feenix wrote:
My God Sergeriver! How many jokes have you posted?
That was a great one!
~ Do you not know that in the service … one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?
'Clyde the Newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent for his two best friends, Danny and Joey.
Danny went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Danny said,"Yes bye, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Danny looked down and said,"Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Joey in to identify the body and Joey took a look at him and said, "Yes bye, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Joey looked down and said: "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Joey said: "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yes bye, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say: "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."'
Danny went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Danny said,"Yes bye, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Danny looked down and said,"Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Joey in to identify the body and Joey took a look at him and said, "Yes bye, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Joey looked down and said: "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Joey said: "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yes bye, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say: "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."'
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say 'fucken hell', and you say 'fucken ass', OK?"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, fucken hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blabbers, "But you can bet your fucken ass it won't be Cheerios!"
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say 'fucken hell', and you say 'fucken ass', OK?"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, fucken hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blabbers, "But you can bet your fucken ass it won't be Cheerios!"