Notice of Revocation of Independence.
By the Honourable John Cleese - formerly of Monty Python fame and now political genius.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter
'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know"
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have
to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county
is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms
such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast
and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football
where your hands cannot be used.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to
get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by the end of
2007.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of the Americas. Since only 2.15% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector
cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you
are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you
will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars,
you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will
be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they
are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who
discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country
called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses
will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of
Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as
"Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol(or
"Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until
April 1st 2007) prices with the former USA. The UK will
harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former
USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/USgallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for Heaven's sake...it's
Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Someone please inform the
smiling gnome currently impersonating in the role of president
Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day.
John Cleese
P.S. Yes this is a joke
By the Honourable John Cleese - formerly of Monty Python fame and now political genius.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter
'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know"
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have
to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county
is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms
such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast
and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football
where your hands cannot be used.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to
get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by the end of
2007.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of the Americas. Since only 2.15% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector
cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you
are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you
will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars,
you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will
be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they
are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who
discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country
called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses
will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of
Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as
"Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol(or
"Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until
April 1st 2007) prices with the former USA. The UK will
harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former
USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/USgallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for Heaven's sake...it's
Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Someone please inform the
smiling gnome currently impersonating in the role of president
Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day.
John Cleese
P.S. Yes this is a joke
