I crave for emotional intimacy with a girl. I never had a girlfriend ever, nor a kiss or any close moments with a girl, and Im 18 years of age. Infact i probably never been alone with a girl ever...i dont even care about sex, i just want to bond with a girl.
Ok first off. im not like the other guys posting here who mention that they lack self esteem and stuff like that...however i wish for a better future for those with those problems.
Ill begin with the fact that I am very confident about myself, outspoken,social, athletic, and I love speaking to women. I am definatley not a nice guy girls mess around with, nor am i that guy who's a total ********. So whats wrong with me you ask?
Well I feel very different from others, though i feel different, i have no problem with asspciating with everyone and adapting to my environments to not outright look diferent, but i make sure im not a following tool. I am different in the way i think and the actions that i do. I guess i fall under the clique of "straight edge." I dont drink, smoke and i LOVE 80-90's hardcore punkrock. I am politically aware about everything. I down right HATE new age music, anything from the 2000's and forward is total trash to me in every genre of music.
High School Years:
In high school, i was accepted and socially active among all cliques of people, from the popular to the dorks. I was what you would call "The Jock trying to be a Nerd" . In the sense that I was one of the top athletes in my schools Rugby Team, yet I tried my best in my education, taking hard courses so that i can make it to Engineering in a good University. The weird thing was, despite what you may see on TV, jocks do not get girls instantly...However the loosing school team. the soccer team, consisted of my pretty looking metro-sexual boys...for some reason they would receive plenty of women. I hated this concept, i always asked myself, why must i look fememine in order to get the feminime speices. As an anti-conformist, i grew a goatee and was surprised when all the girls would tell me how better it would be if i shaved it, even my chest and leg hair . As a strong minded person, i did not care what they had to say, i wasnt mean to them directly, but i wanted a girl who like me for who...for what i thought...i was suppose to be...A MAN. Now im not some ruffian, scrappy looking guy, i am well groomed with body hair. But ive noticed that the more girly looking you were, the more women like you. SOmetimes i couldnt tell between women and men in my highschool
Well i never felt compatible with any girl in my generation ...i just wanted a deep minded woman who is independently strong with good morales. The girls i see in my generation are MTV branded shallow *****, who only talk about stupid reality shows like "The Hills" and love to go to the club to get wasted and get one night stands.
Ok...there must be other schools in your high school who arent like that right? Well, most girls in my High school were very shallow...but i found this 1 girl in my senior year who was great. This girl was probably the most feelings i have ever had for anyone. She was probably h he considered the "alpha female" in the sense that alot of people liked her and she can releash a can of *****-rage at moments notice. I saw right through this bitchy attitude though, this girl used this attitude to hide the fact that she was a good girl. She verbally abused men to avoid them, and i knew she never clubbed nor never had a boyfriend.
Surprisingly i was the only guy she quit bitching at since grade 11, she started being nice, cheeky, flirty ad always would try to get my attention in classes. Well i wanted to show this girl, that i was unlike the other guys, i wanted to show her that i was deep. I wanted to tell her my feelings for her, i wrote them on a paper and it turned out to be a poem. In my eyes, the poem was Greatly worded, not to strong, not to weak, just showed the message that i liker her. I showed my friends this poem and they didnt beleive that i wrote it, they thought i copied it from a love internet site.
Well here came the faithful day that i handed the poem to her. We were both in the last class of the day, she was flirting with me extra today...so i thought it would be the perfect time. After class i stayed extra 5 mins to discuss some math problems with my teacher, suprinsngly this girl stayed and waited for me. We exited the class and walked down the hall talking confortably to each other, when i slipped her the poem and told her to tell me what she thinks about it tomororw. Then i slipped off to rugby practise.
Well that was the last time she ever really spoke to me ever again. :S...wait wtf?...well she avoided me for days after the poem. I called her several times to meet up during the school day to talk about the poem, she agreed. But she never came to those meetings. I was stood up like 3 times. Well she never spoke to me for the rest of the year, even through Prom night. This struck me a bit...i told myself not to be sad cuase of some girl, and just continued on.
^Yes this is the closest ive been with a girl.
Uni Years:
Well im in my Frosh Year in Univeristy now and i made it to engineering. Problem is, THERE ARE NO GIRLS IN THIS PROGRAM. and the rare girls here are taken already. Im also not the most sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to education, i must study for HOURS for a subject where it would take the average engineering student one hour to study. So i have no idea where i can find time for a girl. OK...SO GO TO PARTIES....well like i said...IM straight edge, i dont drink or smoke. Have you ever been to party sober? IT SUCKS ***. Everyone...i mean EVERYONE is drunk out thier minds, and im just sitting thier feeling im in the wrong place. Since im studying my *** off...i lack sleep and dont look my best ever.
Summary:
So there you have it, i am a straight edged engineering student who severaly dislikes MTV hypnotized *****. And the only girl i admitted my feelings too has never spoken to me ever again. I have three more years of engineering left, and probably 2 more to get my masters degree.
this is why i crave emotional intimacy.
Now i leave off with a big WTF DO I DO??????