It's the most, annoying time, of the yeeeear!
I hate Christmas. Actually the whole month of December in general. If December was a woman, she would be Rosie O'Donnell without a doubt, fat (31 days), annoying (Christmas), cold (lesbian), unattractive (everything's dead because it's cold) and lazy (everyones outta school and off work and in my way). Fuck December. Let me count the way I hate thee December:
1. Christmas is inside of you, and Christmas is AIDS.
2. It's fucking cold.
3. The days are shorter, which means it's cold longer and people have annoying Christmas lights shining through my windows longer.
But as much as I hate December, it's nothing compared to Christmas. I fucking hate Christmas with a passion. I suppose it all started when I was 6 years old and walked into my grandpa's bedroom and witnessed him having a heart attack and dying in real time a few days before Christmas. That pretty much set the mood for Christmas to be "yeah, PaPa died around this time XX years ago..." for the whole family for about the next 10 years, which was fantastic. But even if that hadn't happened I figure I would still hate Christmas with a hatred so hot it could melt Frosty's stupid ass. As a kid on Christmas, you get a whole bunch of shit you don't want and like 2 things you really do, like I'm talking, shit you've wanted all year. But now that you got that shit, you realize it sucks and that you spent the whole year looking forward to a pile of shit, which in turn kind of ruins it for whatever you had thought about wanting this year. Expectations are a motherfucker like that. Plus it seemed I always got the exact opposite of what I asked for, which I found interesting seeing as how all year I would usually ask for one specific thing when asked, and then I would receive something completely different. My family was weird about this shit too, for example, for the first couple of years after N64 came out, I asked for that, nothing else, just that. I would usually end up with 2 super Nintendo games (and I didn't own a super Nintendo) and a meat dehydrator (wtf?).
But I'm not a kid anymore so I can't bitch about getting shit I didn't ask for/not getting shit I did ask for. Now it is more malignant, these wicked Christmas forces. It is the most annoying time of the year. I'm speaking of course of the HIDEOUS Christmas songs, the PUTRID color schemes, the WASTEFUL consumption of electricity and the SHAMELESS begging and holier-than-thou charities that damn near DEMAND you give them money. Case in point, I went to Wal-Mart last night to get some laundry detergent, thats all I wanted, nothing more, just some goddamn laundry detergent. What I DIDN'T want was a guilt trip about homeless black kids in Zimbabwe or whatever the hell they are pushing with their bucket and bell. I'm walking into the store and the guy steps in front of me and asks if I want to donate to whatever fucking bullshit he's with and I say "no thank you". Then the fuckface says "are you sure?" and I say "ahh, well you know what, you changed my mind" and I threw a quarter into the parking lot. Like yeah, I suddenly changed my mind because you asked again.....3 seconds later. Of course then I got him and like three other people looking at me like I'm Satan in persona, negating the memory of them interrupting my day with their organized corporate begging service. But I had the last laugh as I dropped 3 pennies 5 feet in front of them in a little water puddle as I left the store. Cunts.
The music of Christmas drives me insane. Not only do they suck, they sucked 80 years ago and they continue to suck now. They aren't fun, cool, hip, relaxing, trancing, entertaining, informative, educational, dance-worthy, fuck-to-worthy, ambiance or mood setting tunes. THEY'RE SHIT. Kids don't even like that shit and kids think that beating on pots and pans is pretty goddamn cool/creative/good, thats how terrible this music is, how in the fuck music companies are able to sell Christmas albums is beyond me. WHO THE HELL BUYS THAT SHIT?! I'd rather buy the Ebola virus wrapped in dog shit, sprinkled with little pictures of Jimmy Carter than EVER spend a penny on a Christmas album. I was actually in the chow hall at work today and they were playing.......I shit you not......Jingle Bells on the overheads. But this is no ordinary Jingle Bells, it had no music, it was simply the tune Jingle Bells being sung by dogs barking. Ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff. Or better yet, the commercials that have Alvin and the Chipmunks singing some stupid Christmas shit. Attention government: Fuck the Barney song, this shit is way worse. You lock a group of terrorists in a room and force them to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks singing Christmas songs for about a day......no more terrorism, or sanity for that matter.
Another thing I fucking hate are the faggy ass, retarded beliefs and traditions. I mean seriously, who the fuck came up with the idea of a 400lb geriatric riding a sled powered by four legged flying herbivores, landing on your roof without caving it in or waking anyone up, then sliding down your chimney as if he can fit no problem, thus breaking and entering into your house, who then proceeds to eat all your food and then leaves a few gifts, and SOME HOW, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE IS COOL WITH THIS HAPPENING. Granted you've been nice of course, otherwise he just leaves coal (which ironically enough probably would've have seemed a better gift in the old days as opposed to a wooden mallet with switching heads or some bullshit. Plus I don't think general stores of the 1800's had return policies.) But the bigger question is: Who the FUCK were the idiots who bought into this idea and started spreading it around and who the FUCK were these idiots convincing? This whole Christmas thing must have started in Arkansas or New Jersey, one or the other, because I don't think any other place has concentrated stupidity on a level capable of making this Santa Claus bullshit catch on. Or how about the mistletoe? I mean seriously, I don't even need to say anything about that retarded fucking idea. Another thing to take into consideration is that someone actually convinced the world that eggnog tastes good, if not only on Christmas Eve. No, I'll tell you what happened. There was a lone dumbass who owned an eggnog production plant who was so desperate to sell eggnog he tricked the same idiots who first bought into Santa Claus that they should totally buy eggnog on Christmas because it would grant them magical powers over mistletoes or some garbage.
The worst part of it all is probably having to be around family and in-laws. I'm so glad I get to buy $100 worth of gas and spend 9 hours in a car I already don't fit into so I can go spend a weekend with people I despise and listen to shit I don't care to hear about. I don't give a fuck if Wally got a promotion at work, Wally is a faggot. I don't care if Melissa is pregnant again, Melissa is a whore and already has 3 baby daddies. I don't give two shits about little Brad signing up for the Air Force, I was there, it sucked/and was stupid, I got a t-shirt, I left, I hope he gets shot. FURTHER, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO BUY THEM PRESENTS. I don't even want to SEE them, much less spend MONEY TO SEE THEM, much less SPEND MONEY TO SEE THEM SO I CAN GIVE THEM SHIT I BOUGHT FOR THEM. This holiday has TERRIBLE LOGIC. It's like paying someone to kick you in the balls repeatedly, fuck your wife, kill your dog and burn your house down. But the food you say, the food is the best part you say! I find it inherently retarded that the best part of Christmas is the part that makes you fat and constipated and 3 days later either gives a anus ripping baseball sized turd or 4 gallons of diarrhea. Christmas is shit, there is no way around it. If you disagree, you are wrong. if you still disagree, wait a few years. It took 25 years until I decided that from now on, I shall go on a 31 day media blackout to avoid unnecessary advertising and Christmas related bullshit. I shall also have 31 day minimal contact rules that limit my exposure to people I do not expressly exhibit general desires to see/interact with. Most of all I shall adopt a 31 day NO TOLERANCE policy towards people insulting my intelligence with holiday cheer quotes such as Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or any other stupid shit. If this no tolerance policy is broken I shall inflict physical pain upon said person. This should make holidays around family much more interesting and entertaining if but by no one else but myself.
TO HELL WITH CHRISTMAS!!
Also, nb4 bah-humbug faggots.
I hate Christmas. Actually the whole month of December in general. If December was a woman, she would be Rosie O'Donnell without a doubt, fat (31 days), annoying (Christmas), cold (lesbian), unattractive (everything's dead because it's cold) and lazy (everyones outta school and off work and in my way). Fuck December. Let me count the way I hate thee December:
1. Christmas is inside of you, and Christmas is AIDS.
2. It's fucking cold.
3. The days are shorter, which means it's cold longer and people have annoying Christmas lights shining through my windows longer.
But as much as I hate December, it's nothing compared to Christmas. I fucking hate Christmas with a passion. I suppose it all started when I was 6 years old and walked into my grandpa's bedroom and witnessed him having a heart attack and dying in real time a few days before Christmas. That pretty much set the mood for Christmas to be "yeah, PaPa died around this time XX years ago..." for the whole family for about the next 10 years, which was fantastic. But even if that hadn't happened I figure I would still hate Christmas with a hatred so hot it could melt Frosty's stupid ass. As a kid on Christmas, you get a whole bunch of shit you don't want and like 2 things you really do, like I'm talking, shit you've wanted all year. But now that you got that shit, you realize it sucks and that you spent the whole year looking forward to a pile of shit, which in turn kind of ruins it for whatever you had thought about wanting this year. Expectations are a motherfucker like that. Plus it seemed I always got the exact opposite of what I asked for, which I found interesting seeing as how all year I would usually ask for one specific thing when asked, and then I would receive something completely different. My family was weird about this shit too, for example, for the first couple of years after N64 came out, I asked for that, nothing else, just that. I would usually end up with 2 super Nintendo games (and I didn't own a super Nintendo) and a meat dehydrator (wtf?).
But I'm not a kid anymore so I can't bitch about getting shit I didn't ask for/not getting shit I did ask for. Now it is more malignant, these wicked Christmas forces. It is the most annoying time of the year. I'm speaking of course of the HIDEOUS Christmas songs, the PUTRID color schemes, the WASTEFUL consumption of electricity and the SHAMELESS begging and holier-than-thou charities that damn near DEMAND you give them money. Case in point, I went to Wal-Mart last night to get some laundry detergent, thats all I wanted, nothing more, just some goddamn laundry detergent. What I DIDN'T want was a guilt trip about homeless black kids in Zimbabwe or whatever the hell they are pushing with their bucket and bell. I'm walking into the store and the guy steps in front of me and asks if I want to donate to whatever fucking bullshit he's with and I say "no thank you". Then the fuckface says "are you sure?" and I say "ahh, well you know what, you changed my mind" and I threw a quarter into the parking lot. Like yeah, I suddenly changed my mind because you asked again.....3 seconds later. Of course then I got him and like three other people looking at me like I'm Satan in persona, negating the memory of them interrupting my day with their organized corporate begging service. But I had the last laugh as I dropped 3 pennies 5 feet in front of them in a little water puddle as I left the store. Cunts.
The music of Christmas drives me insane. Not only do they suck, they sucked 80 years ago and they continue to suck now. They aren't fun, cool, hip, relaxing, trancing, entertaining, informative, educational, dance-worthy, fuck-to-worthy, ambiance or mood setting tunes. THEY'RE SHIT. Kids don't even like that shit and kids think that beating on pots and pans is pretty goddamn cool/creative/good, thats how terrible this music is, how in the fuck music companies are able to sell Christmas albums is beyond me. WHO THE HELL BUYS THAT SHIT?! I'd rather buy the Ebola virus wrapped in dog shit, sprinkled with little pictures of Jimmy Carter than EVER spend a penny on a Christmas album. I was actually in the chow hall at work today and they were playing.......I shit you not......Jingle Bells on the overheads. But this is no ordinary Jingle Bells, it had no music, it was simply the tune Jingle Bells being sung by dogs barking. Ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff. Or better yet, the commercials that have Alvin and the Chipmunks singing some stupid Christmas shit. Attention government: Fuck the Barney song, this shit is way worse. You lock a group of terrorists in a room and force them to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks singing Christmas songs for about a day......no more terrorism, or sanity for that matter.
Another thing I fucking hate are the faggy ass, retarded beliefs and traditions. I mean seriously, who the fuck came up with the idea of a 400lb geriatric riding a sled powered by four legged flying herbivores, landing on your roof without caving it in or waking anyone up, then sliding down your chimney as if he can fit no problem, thus breaking and entering into your house, who then proceeds to eat all your food and then leaves a few gifts, and SOME HOW, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE IS COOL WITH THIS HAPPENING. Granted you've been nice of course, otherwise he just leaves coal (which ironically enough probably would've have seemed a better gift in the old days as opposed to a wooden mallet with switching heads or some bullshit. Plus I don't think general stores of the 1800's had return policies.) But the bigger question is: Who the FUCK were the idiots who bought into this idea and started spreading it around and who the FUCK were these idiots convincing? This whole Christmas thing must have started in Arkansas or New Jersey, one or the other, because I don't think any other place has concentrated stupidity on a level capable of making this Santa Claus bullshit catch on. Or how about the mistletoe? I mean seriously, I don't even need to say anything about that retarded fucking idea. Another thing to take into consideration is that someone actually convinced the world that eggnog tastes good, if not only on Christmas Eve. No, I'll tell you what happened. There was a lone dumbass who owned an eggnog production plant who was so desperate to sell eggnog he tricked the same idiots who first bought into Santa Claus that they should totally buy eggnog on Christmas because it would grant them magical powers over mistletoes or some garbage.
The worst part of it all is probably having to be around family and in-laws. I'm so glad I get to buy $100 worth of gas and spend 9 hours in a car I already don't fit into so I can go spend a weekend with people I despise and listen to shit I don't care to hear about. I don't give a fuck if Wally got a promotion at work, Wally is a faggot. I don't care if Melissa is pregnant again, Melissa is a whore and already has 3 baby daddies. I don't give two shits about little Brad signing up for the Air Force, I was there, it sucked/and was stupid, I got a t-shirt, I left, I hope he gets shot. FURTHER, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO BUY THEM PRESENTS. I don't even want to SEE them, much less spend MONEY TO SEE THEM, much less SPEND MONEY TO SEE THEM SO I CAN GIVE THEM SHIT I BOUGHT FOR THEM. This holiday has TERRIBLE LOGIC. It's like paying someone to kick you in the balls repeatedly, fuck your wife, kill your dog and burn your house down. But the food you say, the food is the best part you say! I find it inherently retarded that the best part of Christmas is the part that makes you fat and constipated and 3 days later either gives a anus ripping baseball sized turd or 4 gallons of diarrhea. Christmas is shit, there is no way around it. If you disagree, you are wrong. if you still disagree, wait a few years. It took 25 years until I decided that from now on, I shall go on a 31 day media blackout to avoid unnecessary advertising and Christmas related bullshit. I shall also have 31 day minimal contact rules that limit my exposure to people I do not expressly exhibit general desires to see/interact with. Most of all I shall adopt a 31 day NO TOLERANCE policy towards people insulting my intelligence with holiday cheer quotes such as Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or any other stupid shit. If this no tolerance policy is broken I shall inflict physical pain upon said person. This should make holidays around family much more interesting and entertaining if but by no one else but myself.
TO HELL WITH CHRISTMAS!!
Also, nb4 bah-humbug faggots.
