that was so lame,I wanted to punch you in the facenativejam wrote:
LOL, there are some good jokes here. I shall share with you the lamest joke ever, so lame that it will make you laugh:
Q: What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?
A: Spoiler (highlight to read):
Get down from there!!
Q: What did the cow say to the farmer on the ground?
A: Spoiler (highlight to read):
Mooooo...... cows can't speak,
lol, it worked, it made me laugh at your guys reactions
They put the word 'best' in the thread title, twice !!
1927 wrote:
They put the word 'best' in the thread title, twice !!
this is is the bestest???
Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver's seat.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Last edited by bad-man (2009-03-05 16:52:49)
bad-man wrote:
this is is the bestest???Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver's seat.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and commit my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, & if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me.
"I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes & threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment,then turned & went straight to the front
door.I opened the door & stepped out of the house & walked straight
toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for
our daughter.
"Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and commit my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, & if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me.
"I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes & threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment,then turned & went straight to the front
door.I opened the door & stepped out of the house & walked straight
toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for
our daughter.
"Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
seen it somewhere before, but still good +1Perv3rt wrote:
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
.....
"Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
here is mine
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”
The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”
The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
Last edited by bad-man (2009-03-09 13:52:05)
Here's one for Ted...
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
NONE! IT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS OKAY!
Spoiler (highlight to read):
NONE! IT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS OKAY!
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
OK THEN!Ty wrote:
How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
NONE! IT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS OKAY!
Yeah it's kind of a joke you have to tell out load, preferably yelling the punchline in a seuth afrecan accent china.
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
I guess soTy wrote:
Yeah it's kind of a joke you have to tell out load, preferably yelling the punchline in a seuth afrecan accent china.
I have to pretend to be the bloke from Blood Diamond, what's his name!? Aghh!
Why are Jews' noses so big?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
cuz air is FREE
Spoiler (highlight to read):
cuz air is FREE
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.'
Love, your son,
Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk! I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home"
'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.'
Love, your son,
Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk! I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home"
this is so that it'sNappy wrote:
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.'
Love, your son,
Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk! I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home"
Last edited by blah (2009-03-25 13:32:40)
Teacher asked little Timmy why he had a cat with him. Timmy said crying "When I left home I heard the mailman say to my mom: When the kid leaves I'm gonna eat your pussy"
Grandma’s letter
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ’ For the love of God! ‘
’ Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ’ For the love of God! ‘
’ Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
This Joke has been sent in by 'Junior 27', she's 8. I might of mentioned her before
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker Face
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker Face
That's great
She (gaga) is Jewish, I was expecting a much better punchline than Poker Face, yeah yeah I get the joke "Poke 'er face" but still
On a related note I absolutely hate that bitch (gaga) and am eagerly awaiting eminem to deal with her like he did with Christina Agulera and Britney Spears and all those other annoying ...types
On a related note I absolutely hate that bitch (gaga) and am eagerly awaiting eminem to deal with her like he did with Christina Agulera and Britney Spears and all those other annoying ...types
When I see lil Molls 2moro I will tell her in a stern voice with finger pointing forward. 'Mek does not approve of your joke', I will of course explain who you are when she asks, and I will tell you her reply. She knows when I allow her to swear and this will be one of those times. We may need a translation for it as she will fire off some yakky daaah I reckon.Mekstizzle wrote:
She (gaga) is Jewish, I was expecting a much better punchline than Poker Face, yeah yeah I get the joke "Poke 'er face" but still
On a related note I absolutely hate that bitch (gaga) and am eagerly awaiting eminem to deal with her like he did with Christina Agulera and Britney Spears and all those other annoying ...types
She swore at Sherrif in Welsh over TS once.
Whats the difference between hitler and michael phelps?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
at least phelps finished a race
Spoiler (highlight to read):
at least phelps finished a race
New Ice Cream: Crushed italiano's by walls
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got his gas bill.
He got his gas bill.