What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
before you start flaming: a jew told me that joke
which number did rich jews get tattooed to their arm at the concentration camps?
90210
which number did rich jews get tattooed to their arm at the concentration camps?
90210
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency, after receiving his money he asks "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less yuans in return?"
The banker says "Fluctuations"
The chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too".
The banker says "Fluctuations"
The chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too".
nice one,nintendo
Stevie Wonder said being blind not so bad it could be worse I could be black.
Dear God please let my karma one day reach 100, whether it be tomorrow or 1000 years in the future i want it to happen.
Got a new car stereo it is voice activated. I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, i shout "Rock" it plays Guns & roses. I was driving through the town the other day and these little sh1ts ran out in front of me. I shouted fcking kids and it played Gary Glitter.
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3 men watch a pole dancer. A Kent man gets £30 and sticks it on her right buttock, a surrey man gets £20 and sticks it on her left. A scouser takes the stolen visa and swipes it between her cheeks and takes £50 cash back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 men watch a pole dancer. A Kent man gets £30 and sticks it on her right buttock, a surrey man gets £20 and sticks it on her left. A scouser takes the stolen visa and swipes it between her cheeks and takes £50 cash back.
i is a scouser,still found it dead funny nintendo.
Ok this joke kinda sucks, but I made it myself.
What can you create with the new program, Microsoft eXXXcel?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
A pornograph
What can you create with the new program, Microsoft eXXXcel?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
A pornograph
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Scotsman were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Scot fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
''Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to thefire-fighters in honor of
these brave souls'
The Scot said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Scot fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
''Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to thefire-fighters in honor of
these brave souls'
The Scot said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?
Dunno if this has been here before but what the hell.
A couple had gone to bed. After lying in the bed for a few minutes the man farted and said: "1-0"
The wife turned on her back and asked: "What was that all about?"
Hubby replied: "It was a football fart!"
In a moment the wife farted and said: "Goal, the game is tied"
Five minutes later the husband farted again and said: "2-1!"
The wife didn't want to lose so she pushed out a huge blast and said: "Goal, the game is tied!" And five seconds later she had a small fart and said: "2-3 with a header!"
The man was in no intent of losing to her. He pushed on really hard, but nothing happened. Because losing was in any way not acceptable he put all in. Instead of farting he shits all over the bed.
The wife is shocked and asks: "What the hell was that!?"
The man replies: "Half time, change of sides"
A couple had gone to bed. After lying in the bed for a few minutes the man farted and said: "1-0"
The wife turned on her back and asked: "What was that all about?"
Hubby replied: "It was a football fart!"
In a moment the wife farted and said: "Goal, the game is tied"
Five minutes later the husband farted again and said: "2-1!"
The wife didn't want to lose so she pushed out a huge blast and said: "Goal, the game is tied!" And five seconds later she had a small fart and said: "2-3 with a header!"
The man was in no intent of losing to her. He pushed on really hard, but nothing happened. Because losing was in any way not acceptable he put all in. Instead of farting he shits all over the bed.
The wife is shocked and asks: "What the hell was that!?"
The man replies: "Half time, change of sides"
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
For a long time I've had my doubts that my girlfriend is unfaithful. It happens often that her cellphone is ringing and she just glances at the phone and and rejects the call without answering it. She is very often out with the "girls", and when I ask what girls, it's always a friend from school, who I don't know. I've tried to follow from the window, when she comes home with a motorbike, but she always walks the last block and I only hear how the bike speeds away.
A couple days ago I wanted to check the time from her cellphone and she went completely apeshit over it screaming that her cellphone is not to be touched and that I'm stalking her. I haven't had any intentions on questioning her about this, and I think I don't want to know the whole truth at all, but yesterday I decided to check the situation. I went hiding in a bush with my camosuit on and a rifle in the hand. After a long time of waiting a Suzuki stopped close by. My girlfriend got off of the bike and gave a long deep kiss to the man unknown to me. I hid behind my own motorbike so they wouldn't see me. There as I was hiding I noticed the lower frame is starting to rust. Do you think I should change the whole frame or just sand it and paint it again?
Br,
Dubious
A couple days ago I wanted to check the time from her cellphone and she went completely apeshit over it screaming that her cellphone is not to be touched and that I'm stalking her. I haven't had any intentions on questioning her about this, and I think I don't want to know the whole truth at all, but yesterday I decided to check the situation. I went hiding in a bush with my camosuit on and a rifle in the hand. After a long time of waiting a Suzuki stopped close by. My girlfriend got off of the bike and gave a long deep kiss to the man unknown to me. I hid behind my own motorbike so they wouldn't see me. There as I was hiding I noticed the lower frame is starting to rust. Do you think I should change the whole frame or just sand it and paint it again?
Br,
Dubious
Which one does not belong: woman, carpet, blowjob
Well duh! You can beat a woman and a carpet, but nothing beats a blowjob!
Well duh! You can beat a woman and a carpet, but nothing beats a blowjob!
Heh, that reminds me of this comic:Ultrafunkula wrote:
For a long time I've had my doubts that my girlfriend is unfaithful. It happens often that her cellphone is ringing and she just glances at the phone and and rejects the call without answering it...
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
So I just thought of a really bad joke, but the "best worst joke" thread hasn't been used in 5 months.
Which Pokémon always gets caught by the police?
Slowbro!
Which Pokémon always gets caught by the police?
Slowbro!
Last edited by specops10-4 (2008-09-10 11:45:16)
So this guy walks into the doctors office and tells the doctor he has a problem.
"The other night I was out drinking, and I had too much. When I awoke in the morning, I went to pee and noticed these two abnormal rings around my penis. One is red and one is brown. I'm really scared and I don't know what caused them. Can you tell what the rings are, and am I infected or what?"
The doctor agrees to take samples. Once he gets the samples he proceeds to tell the patient. "Go home and I'll call you when the test results come in."
The patient goes home and anxiously waits on pins and needles for the doctors call. When the doc finally calls him he says. "Well sir, I have good news and bad news. Which wuld you like first?"
"Tell me the good news first please." replies the patient.
"Well the good news is the red ring is lipstick." says the Doctor.
"So what is the bad news?" asks the patient.
The Doc replies. "The bad news is that the brown ring is Skoal..."
"The other night I was out drinking, and I had too much. When I awoke in the morning, I went to pee and noticed these two abnormal rings around my penis. One is red and one is brown. I'm really scared and I don't know what caused them. Can you tell what the rings are, and am I infected or what?"
The doctor agrees to take samples. Once he gets the samples he proceeds to tell the patient. "Go home and I'll call you when the test results come in."
The patient goes home and anxiously waits on pins and needles for the doctors call. When the doc finally calls him he says. "Well sir, I have good news and bad news. Which wuld you like first?"
"Tell me the good news first please." replies the patient.
"Well the good news is the red ring is lipstick." says the Doctor.
"So what is the bad news?" asks the patient.
The Doc replies. "The bad news is that the brown ring is Skoal..."
Gordon Brown goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."
The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."
The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doing?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big
boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doing?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big
boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
Marriage is a three ring circus:
The engagement ring, the marriage ring, and the suffer-ring.
The engagement ring, the marriage ring, and the suffer-ring.
rofl[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=- wrote:
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
lots of blonde jokes (well 6 anyway) enjoy!
6 degrees of blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.
6 degrees of blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Bourke street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. Its important at my age.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Bourke street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. Its important at my age.