Let me first start this off with saying this is highly personal...ive been wanting to write something like this for a long time....i was inspired by ATG's Suicide thread to write something that might help other people.
Ok well.......here it goes:
/Intro
-----------------------------
I wrote that PM to Stryyker 1 year 4 months ago. I am a completely different person know. I owe it all to him.
What was i back then? I will tell you. I was an e-badass. An Internet Tough Guy. A 3 star general in a video game with over 1800 hours logged. A kid who played a video game for points so he could watch his name move up an imaginary leaderboard so he could get a cool looking 2 kilobyte image next to his name. A kid who started to shake out of nervousness when he talked to an attractive girl. A kid who had 2 real life friends. A kid who had never had a girlfriend before.
But you see, i didn't care then. I hated the real world. People, society, school, and the very physics of the universe itself.
I had my computer though, an escape like no other. Where i could tell people what i really thought about them without getting my face smashed in. A place where cowards like myself could sit and act cool all day while they are complete loosers in real life.
How did i come to get like this?
I would have to say with depression from when my mom passed away when i was in 7th grade. I had alot of friends back then. But they all stopped talking to me after that happened. We were all at a party a week ago and most of the 30 ppl there said they stopped talking to me because they didn't know how to approach me and thought i wanted to be alone. That was completely the opposite of what i needed. This isolation of mine lead to me spending lots of time sitting on my computer playing games. I would get so into it that i would completely forget about the outside world and become completely absorbed. My depression did not exist while absorbed in these games. I was in another world, another life. As soon as i hear dad yelling "Andrew time to go to bed" and i had to shut my pc off i would be back to my depressed self, dragging my feet as i walked hating everything.
At school i did not interact with anyone. I just sat there in my classrooms from the middle of 7th grade until halfway through 11th grade just keeping to myself. All i thought during school through 10th and 11th grade was coming home and getting 2500 points on my bf2 account after homework. Thankfully my grades never really suffered.
On the internet however, i was the cool guy. I used to connect to bf2 servers and make my own squad, and have random ppl come on and be like "Hey TOP Patton i heard your really good man i wanna stick with you this round". I loved placing 1st on the server by 30 points every round. Joining TOP when it was in its prime feel like i was one of the cool kids, because everyone knew about us and how we owned pretty much every server we went in.
What obsession does to you:
http://forums.bf2s.com/viewtopic.php?pid=823522#p823522
I look at that OP of mine and it makes me want to cry knowing i was like that. ITS A FUCKING GAME.
BEING A GENERAL IN BF2 OR A LEVEL 70 PALADIN IN WORLD OF WARCRAFT GETS YOU SHIT IN REAL LIFE KIDS.
It was ok for me at first, using the computer as an escape, it kept me off of drugs and violent activities, but it became an addiction. My entire life was video games. Being addicted to games at my level is just as bad as being addicted to a drug. Your teenage years are supposed to be when you learn how to interact in the real world and discover yourself, not sit living in an imaginary world for 10 hours every day and having no friends.
The last day i played bf2 on my general account was the day before my senior year started, which was last august 21st. It was reset some time in feburary and i shrugged like "whatever". If that happened a year earlier i would have shot myself.
I went into my senior year with a completely different attitude. Realizing i had wasted the last 5 years of my life infront of a computer instead of interacting with my peers, and that this was my last year i was going to know everyone i grew up with, i had a type of confidence behind me like i had never felt before. My depression went away. Although it comes back once every 2 or 3 months for a day or two at at time. The time i spent on the computer decreased probably 80%. For the past year friends have been my life. I play games no more than 2 hours a week now, oppose to the 6+ i used to do every single day. I come from a small school which has about 400 kids. I went from having 2 or 3 friends in real life to everyone worth being friends with in my grade, the junior, and the sophomore class. I went from going months without anyone calling my cell phone to 15 people calling me up everyday just to chat. I can talk to girls now. Actually, i talk to girls more than guys now. My outlook on life has taken a 180 degree turn. I am a changed person. All i can say is mission-fucking-accomplished.
I am now graduated from high school and start college at the end of next month. How do i feel right now? I have finally become what every teenager should be, a happy person with many good friends he/she can chill with. Unfortunately i became this person at the very end. I wasted so much time i wish i could go back with what i know now.
These past 3 weeks ive been alone ( see http://forums.bf2s.com/viewtopic.php?pi … 8#p2148948 ) ive done nothing but hang with people. Ive had a party almost every other night and i can easily say this the happiest time of my life. Parties are one of the best ways to meet people. They helped me alot. For starters, ask around on thursday and friday to see who is having a party during the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------
I hope if you are in a similar situation as i was in, that you will take my advice when i say GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER. Go out and live it up. It may not seem like the real world is as inviting as a 10 hour gaming session might be but with work it is. I understand that i came from a small school and being accepted is easier than in a large school, but it does not matter. Find a group of people you can relate too and stick with them! Don't be a loner, change your ways if you are. Dump the internet life.
Games are for when you have nothing to do. They are for when it is a rainy day or you are sick, or if theres nothing good on TV. Games with ranking systems are a trap. If you can spend a ton of time on games and have a social life then.....well.......i honestly dont know how you do it.
If i had to put myself in a social group i would call myself preppy, except i am one of the few preppy kids that does not look down on anyone. I try to help them, because i know what it is to be an outcast. If I can go from being a no-one to someone who everyone knows and likes than you can get atleast halfway there. I mean that in a totally non-bragging way, I am the most modest person you will ever meet.
I hope anyone who has this type of problem takes my advice, and that they take it now before you are in my position....Getting to know everyone right when they are leaving.
You can do it.
Also, if theres anyone on here that i ever insulted or acted superior too when it came to video games i apologize. It does not matter how long ago i did it. This apology excludes bennet of course
Ok well.......here it goes:
Guess who this is? Its me one year and 4 months ago, 3 quarters into my junior year, talking to my best friend Tyler, most of you knew him as Stryyker. He does not come on this site anymore. He was my best friend for nearly two years until he stopped with the internet life. This is what he wrote back to me.Ive probably had one of the worst days of my life today. I came home and did a great many things i regret now. One of them writing that PM to you. I am a immature asshole who takes video games to seriously. What can i tell you Tyler.....this is my life, the internet. I live to come home from school to spend 5 hours a day on my fat ass playing video games. It is really all i care about. I read in one of your topics somewhere that went along the lines of how you hate people who provide nothing to society, who leach off their parents. Well i am ashamed to say im one of those you speak about. You care about your future, i could give a shit if i was killed in a drive by tomorrow. The sooner im off this fucking planet the better. Im not going into why because i know how you hate internet drama and your prolly laughing at this right now and thinking "give me a fucking break". Im a failure at real life. And thats why i always bitch about that stupid game, because it is all i really enjoy in life. I dont even know why i PMed you in the first place. I probably was just using you as something to vent my anger. And being 3000 miles away and not even knowing you in real life and yelling at you makes me look like a faggot. Im sorry.
That is the only advice i have ever taken from anyone in my life. And it worked. Except i didn't lay off the games for a week. I didn't turn a game on for a month and a half. It was painful, like going cold turkey to break a smoking addiction, but i did it. Since then i cannot sit down and play a game for more than 30 minuites without getting bored. Well it is not really boredom, it is just a feeling i get knowing that these games ruined the majority of my middle school and high school career.I bet that felt good to say. Heres my advice to you. Take a week off. Unplug the computer. It will help alot, trust me.
/Intro
-----------------------------
I wrote that PM to Stryyker 1 year 4 months ago. I am a completely different person know. I owe it all to him.
What was i back then? I will tell you. I was an e-badass. An Internet Tough Guy. A 3 star general in a video game with over 1800 hours logged. A kid who played a video game for points so he could watch his name move up an imaginary leaderboard so he could get a cool looking 2 kilobyte image next to his name. A kid who started to shake out of nervousness when he talked to an attractive girl. A kid who had 2 real life friends. A kid who had never had a girlfriend before.
But you see, i didn't care then. I hated the real world. People, society, school, and the very physics of the universe itself.
I had my computer though, an escape like no other. Where i could tell people what i really thought about them without getting my face smashed in. A place where cowards like myself could sit and act cool all day while they are complete loosers in real life.
How did i come to get like this?
I would have to say with depression from when my mom passed away when i was in 7th grade. I had alot of friends back then. But they all stopped talking to me after that happened. We were all at a party a week ago and most of the 30 ppl there said they stopped talking to me because they didn't know how to approach me and thought i wanted to be alone. That was completely the opposite of what i needed. This isolation of mine lead to me spending lots of time sitting on my computer playing games. I would get so into it that i would completely forget about the outside world and become completely absorbed. My depression did not exist while absorbed in these games. I was in another world, another life. As soon as i hear dad yelling "Andrew time to go to bed" and i had to shut my pc off i would be back to my depressed self, dragging my feet as i walked hating everything.
At school i did not interact with anyone. I just sat there in my classrooms from the middle of 7th grade until halfway through 11th grade just keeping to myself. All i thought during school through 10th and 11th grade was coming home and getting 2500 points on my bf2 account after homework. Thankfully my grades never really suffered.
On the internet however, i was the cool guy. I used to connect to bf2 servers and make my own squad, and have random ppl come on and be like "Hey TOP Patton i heard your really good man i wanna stick with you this round". I loved placing 1st on the server by 30 points every round. Joining TOP when it was in its prime feel like i was one of the cool kids, because everyone knew about us and how we owned pretty much every server we went in.
What obsession does to you:
http://forums.bf2s.com/viewtopic.php?pid=823522#p823522
I look at that OP of mine and it makes me want to cry knowing i was like that. ITS A FUCKING GAME.
BEING A GENERAL IN BF2 OR A LEVEL 70 PALADIN IN WORLD OF WARCRAFT GETS YOU SHIT IN REAL LIFE KIDS.
It was ok for me at first, using the computer as an escape, it kept me off of drugs and violent activities, but it became an addiction. My entire life was video games. Being addicted to games at my level is just as bad as being addicted to a drug. Your teenage years are supposed to be when you learn how to interact in the real world and discover yourself, not sit living in an imaginary world for 10 hours every day and having no friends.
The last day i played bf2 on my general account was the day before my senior year started, which was last august 21st. It was reset some time in feburary and i shrugged like "whatever". If that happened a year earlier i would have shot myself.
I went into my senior year with a completely different attitude. Realizing i had wasted the last 5 years of my life infront of a computer instead of interacting with my peers, and that this was my last year i was going to know everyone i grew up with, i had a type of confidence behind me like i had never felt before. My depression went away. Although it comes back once every 2 or 3 months for a day or two at at time. The time i spent on the computer decreased probably 80%. For the past year friends have been my life. I play games no more than 2 hours a week now, oppose to the 6+ i used to do every single day. I come from a small school which has about 400 kids. I went from having 2 or 3 friends in real life to everyone worth being friends with in my grade, the junior, and the sophomore class. I went from going months without anyone calling my cell phone to 15 people calling me up everyday just to chat. I can talk to girls now. Actually, i talk to girls more than guys now. My outlook on life has taken a 180 degree turn. I am a changed person. All i can say is mission-fucking-accomplished.
I am now graduated from high school and start college at the end of next month. How do i feel right now? I have finally become what every teenager should be, a happy person with many good friends he/she can chill with. Unfortunately i became this person at the very end. I wasted so much time i wish i could go back with what i know now.
These past 3 weeks ive been alone ( see http://forums.bf2s.com/viewtopic.php?pi … 8#p2148948 ) ive done nothing but hang with people. Ive had a party almost every other night and i can easily say this the happiest time of my life. Parties are one of the best ways to meet people. They helped me alot. For starters, ask around on thursday and friday to see who is having a party during the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------
I hope if you are in a similar situation as i was in, that you will take my advice when i say GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER. Go out and live it up. It may not seem like the real world is as inviting as a 10 hour gaming session might be but with work it is. I understand that i came from a small school and being accepted is easier than in a large school, but it does not matter. Find a group of people you can relate too and stick with them! Don't be a loner, change your ways if you are. Dump the internet life.
Games are for when you have nothing to do. They are for when it is a rainy day or you are sick, or if theres nothing good on TV. Games with ranking systems are a trap. If you can spend a ton of time on games and have a social life then.....well.......i honestly dont know how you do it.
If i had to put myself in a social group i would call myself preppy, except i am one of the few preppy kids that does not look down on anyone. I try to help them, because i know what it is to be an outcast. If I can go from being a no-one to someone who everyone knows and likes than you can get atleast halfway there. I mean that in a totally non-bragging way, I am the most modest person you will ever meet.
I hope anyone who has this type of problem takes my advice, and that they take it now before you are in my position....Getting to know everyone right when they are leaving.
You can do it.
Also, if theres anyone on here that i ever insulted or acted superior too when it came to video games i apologize. It does not matter how long ago i did it. This apology excludes bennet of course
Last edited by .:ronin:.|Patton (2011-04-16 21:11:03)
