BF2S Forums The Funny Lists Thread

Things that piss your dog off:

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:

-When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

-Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

-Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!

-How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

-Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)

-Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!.

-Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

-Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

-How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

-Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

-Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

-When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

-Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

-The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

-Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

Bump?

The Different Types of Farts:

Beefy Fart
Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.

Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart out, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

Bunbuster Fart
Sounds like a Beefy Fart, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and sputter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...

Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report says: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have referred to these rare creatures, so proving their existence.

Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.

On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.

Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Present (a.k.a. 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.

Silent but Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.

Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.

Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.

Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.

Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced wind breakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.

Windy Fart
The sort of fart, which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Worrying Fart
The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

The Alarm Fart
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
The Amplified Fart
This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.

The Bathtub Fart
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,

The Biggest Fart in the World Fart
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.

The Burning Brakes Fart
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.

The Car Door Fart
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

The Celestial Fart
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.

The Chinese Firecracker Fart
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.

The Crowd Fart
The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.

The Did an Angel Speak Fart
This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.

The 25 Worst Books for Kids Ever

1-You Were An Accident
2-Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and Other Lies
3-Pop Goes the Hamster (and Other Great Microwave Games)
4-Strangers Have the Best Candy
5-Dad's New Wife Robert
6-Games Mommy and Daddy play when you aren't around
7-There's A Man Inside Barney
8-Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
9-Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
10-You Are Different and That's Bad
11-Good reasons to fear the dark
12-The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
13-Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
14-Some Kittens Can Fly
15-Your nightmares are real
16-Investigating the groans in mommys room when daddy isn't around
17-The Time The Coyote Really Catches The Roadrunner
18-If You're Bad, the Earth Will Explode and Mommy and Daddy Will Die
19-Whos' your Daddy?
20-Why Daddy likes young women by Hugh Hefner
21-The Exciting World of Germs: They Are Everywhere and They Want to Kill You
22-Guess who's adopted
23-The Monsters that DO live in your closet want you Dead
24-The Little Shotgun That Could
25-A children's guide to colors- black, white, latino...

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis:

01. -You've got a hole in your head.
02. -Your master strangles you all the time.
03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you
04. -You shrink in cold water.
05. -You never get a haircut.
06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.
07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
08. -Your best friend is a pussy.
09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

10 Things You Can Say About Your Car, But Not About Your Wife

1-"I got it from a good friend of mine."
2-"Wanna take it for a spin?"
3-"It's good but it's old..."
4-"My first girlfriend and I would ride this for days."
5-"You can use mine, while I'm out of town."
6-"The best ride I have ever had."
7-"Time to trade the old girl in for a new one."
8-"She may be old and not much to look at, but damn what a ride."
9-"I wash her about once a month."
10-"Which one of you kids stuck this banana in the tailpipe?"

Things That Only Happen In Movies:

1-Cars are bullet proof yet they instantly explode when they crash
2-Good guys die peacefully with friends whilst the battle conveniently pauses
3-Aliens who contact Earth must contact the USA and only the USA
4-Incredible shrinking pills somehow shrink your clothes too
5-Women wake up with their hair done
6-After sex, you must still hide your modesty when getting out of bed
7-Everyone, nomatter what era or planet they are from, speak English
8-However fast you run, the zombie always catches you up the moment you trip
9-Pets will warn you of impending doom - they must be resolutely ignored though
10-Hugely traumatic and life altering catastrophies can be laughed off at the end
11-There are taxi cabs around when people need them
12-Tripping is obligatory when your life depends on you not tripping
13-All good guys (even historical ones) know at least one oriental martial art
14-cars always have the keys in them
15-Females must investigate dangerous and scary places in underwear
16-Sex is body-fluid free

..teddy..jimmy wrote:

Wow, thats a two paged bump.

No, that was cleaning the junk drawer while I was having lunch at work.  Those are all the lists I posted since I became member.

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-12-12 10:18:20)

Prodie wrote:

If you already posted them, why create another topic and re-post them allllll?

I was waiting for your question.  I made a thread about funny lists and deleted all the older ones, in order to post them all in here, not in a single thread for every single list, and to avoid your annoying questions.  If you didn't notice these aren't jokes.  But don't ask me, ask Liquidator who suggested me to start a new one.  Or ask King Jew & Alpha.  You are always watching what I'm doing.  You are my personal mod, that's nice from you.

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-12-13 09:50:03)

to long.

HUNDaemon wrote:

There are 10 types of people in this earth.

Ones that know binary, and ones that dont.

Nice dude. I didn't think anyone was going to do that one. If you don't know code, you won't get it.

The Official List Of Shotgun Rules

1. The Shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be called regardless of wether the driver is in sight of the car

2. If you are the first to be picked up on a journey, you are automatically given shotgun, untill you violate the other shotgun laws and thus, forfeit your position, the seat is yours

3. you cannot declare shot gun if someone has previosuly declared shotgun for that journey.

4. when simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door from the all the people who called

5. shotgun cannot be called whilst inside a building (unless you are in a multi storey or underground car park!)

6. shotgun cannt be called in advance, only whilst on the way to the car for the journey

7. on the call shotgun if the driver wants to mix things up a bit he can call reload, this means that all calls of shotgun before that are void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat... and if u plain don't like the person who called shotgun.
this is often used when there is a simultanious call and the driver is unsure of the outcome, also a shotgun can have 2 barrels so a reload can only be called once

8. ja rob rule...if hes in the car shotgun now means back left so he cant punch you every time a yellow car goes past

9. Once shotgun has been called for the front seat then back left and back right can be called, thus leaving the fifth person who is travelling in the middle (or the "bitch" seat)

10. Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat!

11. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.

12. Once the journey is underway, the driver is the obvious controller of the tunes. However if they feel the road needs their full concentration, or they simply cannot be arsed any more, duty is passed to the shotgunner. however putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence when the ipod finishes a song or ANY instances of TAKE THAT will result in demotion to bitch seat.

13. Shoe Rule, anyone calling shotgun must have their shoes on, this is to stop people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to put their shoes on, thus slowing the journey

14. Shotgun overrules Dibs, Baggsy's and and other girly calls!

15. despite the debate, shotgun can be used to shotgun things other than the front seat (eg back left, back right, women, not going to answer the door etc etc etc)

16. If travelling with a couple, one of the couple must shotgun the front.....no one wants to chauffer two of their mates whilst they are sat in the back all over each other

17. If someone has successfully called shotgun, this gives them no right whatsoever to correct the driver on their navigation skills ("take a left here you dickhead!") or driving ability ("I'd be in third gear if i was drving") if the passenger does this then they forfeit their position as shotgun holder

18. if someone says "whats shotgun?" after it has been called then they have to walk

19. If you come up to the car and you already have whos shotgun..the driver gets in and reaches over to unlock the shotgun door. if shotgun opens it before its actually unlocked..(this happens when the driver is still trying to unlock it and person pulls on handle) they have to give up there rights as shotgun. Therefore..shotgun suicide!

20. The successful shotgunner, in the front of a vehicle, assumes the responsibility for all gate opening, off licence nipping into, takeaway ordering and question asking. He/she is, in essence the co-pilot and therefore the enforcer of behaviour in the vehicle and exacter of slaps/punches/water spraying/bag throwing at the passengers in the back.

21. automatic "couple's rights act 1997". This is that, if the driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, they have the right to the seat of their choice.

22. The Pirate Rule - If One of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the occurance of more than one pirate then a sword fight shall determine the succesful shotgunner.

23. When driving past a woman walking a dog, everyone in the car must shout of the window "who's walking who", it is the shotgunners responsiblity and failure to spot a potential heckling results in demotin to the bitch seat

some people have to much time to write funny stuf