Announcement

Join us on Discord: https://discord.gg/nf43FxS
FallenMorgan
Member
+53|4963|Glendale, CA
Today was a hard day for me.  My parents were yelling at eachother since I woke up, and from the way it sounded, my father was being an asshole again.  He was telling her to move out and shit, like he always does when he gets pissed off.  All day now, my dad has been a stone faced asshole.  I wish I could tie him to a chair and scream at him and punch him until he responds to me.  He makes me sick, I'm sickened that I'm related to him.  He's a reason I don't want kids, as long as I keep my current name (It's not really Morgan Brikiin), I will not pass on the name of a bastard.

He never did one damn thing in support of me.  He won't let me dye my hair black, he is incredibly negative to the idea of me changing my name.  The thing is, he's not always like this, but he can easily turn into an asshole.  My mother isn't like this, she'll snap at someone, but then be fine a second later.  My dad is an ass.  Whenever we get into arguements, and my mother isn't home, he acts like an authoritarian ass, like he owns me.  He even said:

"I do own you, you're my son and I want you to be successful"

I wish I had a gun at that moment, so I could point it at him and say "You don't own me," and then point the gun at myself, and make him feel sorry for ever making my life shit.  He only yells, he only once harmed me indirectly, when he tried to grab me, and I fell and hurt my leg badly.  If he crosses the line, I have a baseball bat next to my bed.  If he hurts my mother, I will use it.  One time, I had my shirt on backwards, and I didn't want to change it, and we got into a big arguement.  The arguement was sort of almost resolved:

He hugged me, and told me he was sorry.  Then, he wrestled me to the ground, and took my shirt off, almost tearing it.  I wish at that moment I was strong enough to push him on the ground and smack him around.  He's an authoritarian asshole.  His father beat him silly all the time, and he was drafted in Vietnam.  Both of those things contribute to him being fucked up in the head.  I'm equally fucked up in the head, because of him.  I have a hopeless obsession, I don't like other people, I have no self esteem.

I wouldn't kill myself.  I don't know for sure if heaven or hell exist, but sometimes, I think of what everything else would be like if I killed myself.  I wonder if my parents would blame it on eachother, or if the tradgedy would bring them together.  I'd wonder how my online friends would react - if my best friend Diana in Slovenia would cry.  I'd never do it, I have something impossible to live for, but I just wonder what it would be like to end this tragic bloodline.

My mother is never like this.  She's currently a recovering alcoholic, and she made my life hell, but not as much as my father did.  I forgive my mother - she changed when she got Hepititis C, but my father will never change.  He only cares about the idea of me - he's trapped in a mind that thinks I'll get married and have kids some day, and whatnot.  I don't trust myself around young children, I wouldn't, that is, really.  I'd be too much of an emotional wreck for any woman to handle, and I could never love any children I might have.  It's just my nature - I can't naturally love.  I can't say I love my father like a child loves his/her same sex parent.

My parents got divorced when I was 7 or so.  She, my mother, left, but after I cried my eyes out, she came back.  I don't know for sure - he lies a lot.  He told me he just married her to 'do the right thing', yet he said I wasn't some mistake later, and also, they were together for like, 20 years or something, when I was 15.  I don't know, but it's a fact my parents are divorced.  My mother would often leave for a week or so - one time she said she wouldn't come back, but she broke her ankle badly and had to come home.  I became agnostic then, instead of atheist.  I would have probably had a different opinion of suicide if my mother wasn't there.

I hope maybe my mother can get a GED and a better job, so we can move out, and live together in like an apartment or something, without him.  With him everything is too volatile.  He never asks me if I want to do anything - he says he's gonna teach me how to drive, and all that.  He had a huge opposition to skinny jeans I wanted, and he has a problem with the idea of me shaving anything other than my facial hair.  He won't let me be me too much.

Every once in a while, I'll remember something, an arguement that turned bad, and I'll feel a sudden sense of anger, something as if someone injected testosterone directly into my arm.  I remember one time, for three or so days, my father acted like a ghost - he would barely even go near my mother, and the two of them ignored eachother and got into arguements.  I also remember one time when both my parents were yelling at me, and I had nowhere to go.  My mother betrayed me that day - she usually was my shield from my father.  At that time I really just wanted a gun to shoot myself with.  I have nowhere to hide, my room is sort of like a hallway - you need to go through my room to get to the other half of the house.  My dad has a problem with me closing my door, and it has no lock.  I want somewhere where I can cry and be alone.  Once I locked myself in the bathroom, but after just a little bit my father got all fucking weird and I had to come out.

I just wanted to get this all out.  Now you all know something about me.
Burwhale
Save the BlobFish!
+136|5272|Brisneyland
I cant possibly know what you are going through. All I can say is , move out with your mum, and be strong. Things can get better.
Take care.
David.P
Banned
+649|5323
Be thankful he didn't try to kill her infront of you.
David.P
Banned
+649|5323

FallenMorgan wrote:

Every once in a while, I'll remember something, an arguement that turned bad, and I'll feel a sudden sense of anger, something as if someone injected testosterone directly into my arm.
It's called Suppressed Rage. If you dont let it out soon you will turn into like me, Picking fights with random people over the internet, Escalating things to a level that is ban worthy on most sites, And just in general being a dick.
liquix
Member
+51|5503|Peoples Republic of Portland
Like the above poster says, move out with your mom. It's not healthy for anybody to be abused, verbally or physically. Your pop obviously has some issues, and the only way to fix them for you is the get out.

Sorry life had to be like this for you man.

Try and keep your head on straight, and remember, you don't ever have to be like him to your loved ones.
Catbox
forgiveness
+505|5765
I'm praying for you... the past doesn't equal the future... god bless you
Love is the answer
OrangeHound
Busy doing highfalutin adminy stuff ...
+1,335|5699|Washington DC

You need someone greater than you to love you, and to demonstrate that you are a worthy person.

Les Carter wrote:

As children develop, adults hold great sway over their impressionable minds.  Their words and attitudes have great authority, which means children build their self-concept around adult pronouncements.  Children look to their authority figures to answer the question, "Do I matter?"  Sometimes parents present a message of affirmation clearly so that even when conflict arises, the child learns to respond with confidence. "I'm valued," the child will learn to reason, "because I'm in the presence of an adult who consistently holds me in high regard."

[As one gets older and discovers that they are now an angry adult], they may not be able to recall consistent feelings of safety and security when they were in the presence of an authority figure.  I am not suggesting that all angry adults were chronically exposed to harsh abuse and condenscension in their early years (though many were).  I am suggesting, though, that the message of unconditional love was not fully addressed, leaving a question mark in young developing children's minds.  Not knowing for certain if their worth was constant, these individuals learned to respond to conflict with an attitude of uncertainty.

--The Anger Trap
Nappy
Apprentice
+151|5279|NSW, Australia

if he gets physical with you or your mother, dont take his shit and take him down, and get your mum to call the cops while you pin him down
Shocking
sorry you feel that way
+333|5048|...
I haven't been in the same situation (my situation was different, I won't share - don't want to bother people with it and don't want to remember either) but I'm not proud of the name I'm carrying on either father or mother side, playing with the idea to change it when I move out the house.

Just hold on and be strong, don't do stupid shit (like suicide, if you're close read ATG's thread. I've toyed with the idea far too long too). Protect your mom if you love her, and don't let your dad go physical on your mom or you. Best of luck.
inane little opines
BVC
Member
+325|5745
Try and support your mother where you can, and take care of yourself.
FallenMorgan
Member
+53|4963|Glendale, CA

David.P wrote:

FallenMorgan wrote:

Every once in a while, I'll remember something, an arguement that turned bad, and I'll feel a sudden sense of anger, something as if someone injected testosterone directly into my arm.
It's called Suppressed Rage. If you dont let it out soon you will turn into like me, Picking fights with random people over the internet, Escalating things to a level that is ban worthy on most sites, And just in general being a dick.
I'm mostly timid on the internet, but on this one fansite, there's a guestbook that's more like a forum for haters.  There's one girl on there named Karin who I repeatedly called a cunt, but it started when she told me I should just kill myself.

Thank you all for your support.  It's 24 hours after that incident, and my dad is still stone-faced and dicky.  He's done this before, he taked arguements ultra-bad when I get involved and "disrespect" him.  I called him an asshole - he started letting me say 'ass' on my 16th birthday, next year I can say fuck .

Anyways, he always seems to expect me and everyone else to talk up to him, like he's some king, even when he acts like a dickface.  Whenever we get into arguements, he calls me a wide range of things, and when I call him something as little as a jerk, he gets this whole 'what did you call me?' bullshit trip.  One time, we were arguing a bit, and we had to go to that independent study place.  What he basically said was that if I told him to shut up infront of the guy there (his name is Martin) he'd punch me and put me in the hospital.  What he apparently didn't realise is that the police would be called to throw his ass in jail.

The main problem is that the law allows parents to physically harm their children if they are getting 'out of line' or something.  A court would see me as a problemed teenager most likely, and send me to a mental hospital if I did anything in self-defense.  It's what sucks about the legal system, parents can raise their children however they want, without much interference.  It was like that with women in the 19th century US.

Thanks everyone.
RoosterCantrell
Goodbye :)
+399|5529|Somewhere else

Cuss words are pointless. yelling back is pointless.  Do what he does to your mom, ignore him.

Him pissing you off is his way of knowing that he still gets under your skin. Pointing a gun calling him names, cussing, etc. won't accomplish much.

If you wanna fuck with him, act like you pity him.   Tell him that you understand his life was tough, and it's sad that he can't move on past that.  Tell him you feel sorry for him, treat him like a child, but in a way that you aren't doing it to be rude, mean or a smartass.

Tell him that it's sad the way he's turned out, it's sad that he can't be the man he wants to be, and you pity him for that.  Maybe even go as far to say that you understand his abuse, but you won't let it go any further in your family, tell him you are confident enough in yourself that you see no need to be who he is.  Tell him that you know better than to be an inconsiderate rude person to make up for the all the things wrong in  life.  Tell him that his own problems, his insecurities are his own, and you hope oneday he can get control of himself.   

Tell him all of this NOT in a rude smart ass way, but more in a sympathetic, "i pity you" way.   Even if he's a callous rpick, it will still fuck with his thoughts;  That his own kid sees him as a failure, and thinks he is a person to be pitied.
ATG
Banned
+5,233|5578|Global Command

Nappy wrote:

if he gets physical with you or your mother, dont take his shit and take him down, and get your mum to call the cops while you pin him down
qfe

And strive to do better for your children.
FallenMorgan
Member
+53|4963|Glendale, CA
By the way, if anybody could help me out, does anybody know of apartments in Southern California under 1,000 dollars without a lot of crime or people who don't speak English?  2 bedrooms 1 bathroom is preferred, but other configurations are fine.  I'll have to see what my mother's monthly income is.

Edit: Does north hollywood have a lot of crime?

Last edited by FallenMorgan (2008-04-06 16:19:13)

GunSlinger OIF II
Banned.
+1,860|5693

FallenMorgan wrote:

By the way, if anybody could help me out, does anybody know of apartments in Southern California under 1,000 dollars without a lot of crime or people who don't speak English?  2 bedrooms 1 bathroom is preferred, but other configurations are fine.  I'll have to see what my mother's monthly income is.

Edit: Does north hollywood have a lot of crime?
nothing under a 1,000 a month.  yes, NH has crime.  lots of it.
ATG
Banned
+5,233|5578|Global Command
And hookers and crack.
FallenMorgan
Member
+53|4963|Glendale, CA
Gunslinger, any cheap apartments in your area?
GunSlinger OIF II
Banned.
+1,860|5693
the refrigerator box down the street
R0lyP0ly
Member
+161|5703|USA

GunSlinger OIF II wrote:

the refrigerator box down the street
the funny part is, he's really not kidding. $1,000/mo ain't shit out in urban cali
elmer_42
Sanford and Son
+22|4950|California
Man. That really sounds like it sucks. I just need to echo what Catbox said:

[TUF]Catbox wrote:

I'm praying for you... the past doesn't equal the future... god bless you
GorillaTicTacs
Member
+231|5423|Kyiv, Ukraine
After reading all through it, a few conclusions -

You're a spoiled turd.  You hate your father because he doesn't let you dye your hair or wear your clothes like a retard.  Granted, this is fairly petty on his part, but still.  By your own admission he's never touched you, but you want to put a gun to his head.

I'm betting that to go with her alcoholism and hep C, your mother also has NPD, which is very difficult for a man like your father to put up with.  Based on your own account, it sounds like you may also be starting with symptoms of NPD.  She won't get her GED, being uneducated is too useful for her victim persona.  She's playing you and your father both like a fiddle, and neither you or him have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout.
FallenMorgan
Member
+53|4963|Glendale, CA

GorillaTicTacs wrote:

After reading all through it, a few conclusions -

You're a spoiled turd.  You hate your father because he doesn't let you dye your hair or wear your clothes like a retard.  Granted, this is fairly petty on his part, but still.  By your own admission he's never touched you, but you want to put a gun to his head.

I'm betting that to go with her alcoholism and hep C, your mother also has NPD, which is very difficult for a man like your father to put up with.  Based on your own account, it sounds like you may also be starting with symptoms of NPD.  She won't get her GED, being uneducated is too useful for her victim persona.  She's playing you and your father both like a fiddle, and neither you or him have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout.
My mother is fine now.  She used to suffer from depression apparently, except it may just be one of my father's lies.  My father is the one who lies, cheats, and bullshits to get what he wants.  My mother was an alcoholic because of many factors from a troubled past, ranging from a dirtbag father to an abusive past relationship.
Locoloki
I got Mug 222 at Gritty's!!!!
+216|5689|Your moms bedroom
Hang in there, join the merchant marines as soon as you finish highschool, or go to an officer school and became a merchant marine officer. You will meet plenty of other fucked up people, from similar situations and you will travel the world while getting paid to do it.
Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5494|The Land of Scott Walker
Not fun when parents yell at each other, but it happens sometimes in relationships.  Your father escalating an argument by telling your mom to move out is not the most mature approach, but consider you may not know what she's done to drive him to that point.  I was always on my Mom's side too when I thought my Dad was being too harsh, but I never knew the backstory that led up to the conflict.  Women are very good at playing the victim to get people in their corner.  That's not a judgment of your Mom, just a general observation from my experience. 

My Dad and I were not close until I moved out and went to college.  Perhaps you guys will have a better relationship when you're on a more equal plane.  I didn't feel like I could do much as an individual and that he controlled everything, but it was his house, so he made the rules.  Before we're adults our parents pay the bills and buy everything, so the do "own" us in a way.  Just a small tip ... a tiny bit of respect, whether it's earned or not, could go a long way.  Your Dad sounds like the "in charge" type like my Dad is and whenever I acknowledged he was in control, he was more willing to listen.  Being a father myself, I am much more willing to take a softer approach if my son is respectful.  That's my 2 cents, hope things get better.
FallenMorgan
Member
+53|4963|Glendale, CA
My parents both pay rent, both their names are on the lease or whatever you'd call it.  When he gets pissed off he claims that she is 'renting a room' or some other bullshit, like one time when he called the police because my mother was incredibly drunk and there was a big scene.  He might care about me, but he has a fucked up way of showing it, by not saying a damn word to me for almost three days.

By the way, Stingray, your sig is funny, and true.  For further insight on how weird I am, read my blog.

Board footer

Privacy Policy - © 2021 Jeff Minard