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Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5526|The Land of Scott Walker
The title is an attempt to describe my state of mind right now.  Last night my wife told me she thinks our marriage is dead . . . what the hell do you say to that?  Our 5th anniversary is next week.  I’ve never cheated on her, I bring home the bacon so she can stay home with the kids like she wanted to, and I pitch in with the kids and the house duties as much as I can when I’m not at work.  She didn't say she wanted a divorce exactly, but it can't be far off if she feels this way.  I don’t understand . . . perhaps dazed and confused would better describe my condition today.

Edit: If mods think this is the wrong section, feel free to move, but I figured this was serious talk.

Last edited by Stingray24 (2007-04-12 06:29:38)

Surgeons
U shud proabbly f off u fat prik
+3,097|5570|Gogledd Cymru

do something special for her on your anniversary, i mean really special
m3thod
All kiiiiiiiiinds of gainz
+2,197|5752|UK
Stop spending time on this forum and start spending time with her.  every fucking minute.

have there been no subtle warnings? can't really help as i am not married.

marriage just doesnt sour overnight, does it?

Last edited by m3thod (2007-04-12 06:30:52)

Blackbelts are just whitebelts who have never quit.
Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5526|The Land of Scott Walker
I was planning on upgrading her wedding ring, but if she feels this way, I'm really hesitant to waste my money.
']['error
Banned
+630|5725|The Netherlands
well there's always enough porn on the internet

on-topic: spend more time, do things with her etc.
Switch
Knee Deep In Clunge
+489|5544|Tyne & Wear, England

Stingray24 wrote:

I was planning on upgrading her wedding ring, but if she feels this way, I'm really hesitant to waste my money.
I wouldn't waste time on material objects.  Perhaps go on holiday, just the two of you, somewhere real quiet and tranquil.  Then again my word is probably irrelevant as I am only 21 and have never been married.
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
RicardoBlanco
The English
+177|5649|Oxford

Stingray24 wrote:

The title is an attempt to describe my state of mind right now.  Last night my wife told me she thinks our marriage is dead . . . what the hell do you say to that?  Our 5th anniversary is next week.  I’ve never cheated on her, I bring home the bacon so she can stay home with the kids like she wanted to, and I pitch in with the kids and the house duties as much as I can when I’m not at work.  She didn't say she wanted a divorce exactly, but it can't be far off if she feels this way.  I don’t understand . . . perhaps dazed and confused would better describe my condition today.

Edit: If mods think this is the wrong section, feel free to move, but I figured this was serious talk.
Shit dude...five years too, sorry to hear it

Problem is, you can't ask her what she wants, women don't know, but if she sees you making the effort (I'm not suggesting you don't but perception is everything) things might change. Maybe a good holiday is in order rather than a ring upgrade. Take her somewhere on her own, leave the kids with relatives, and spoil the fuck out of her.

Alternatively, plant some crack on one of her friends boyfriend's and call the police. Then she'll realise how lucky she is that she's not the one going out with a crack head. Careful here though, much backfiring potential.

Last edited by RicardoBlanco (2007-04-12 06:40:22)

crimson_grunt
Shitty Disposition (apparently)
+214|5735|Teesside, UK
You need to spend some quality so as not to get stuck in a rut.  I've seen a few relationships fail because the couple would just sit staring at the tv/computer not talking to each other.  At least a couple of times a week you should make alone time to talk/go see a movie/take a walk in the park/anything that will get you talking and be a break from the realities of day to day life.
Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5526|The Land of Scott Walker

m3thod wrote:

Stop spending time on this forum and start spending time with her.  every fucking minute.

have there been no subtle warnings? can't really help as i am not married.

marriage just doesnt sour overnight, does it?
I'm posting at work right now, but it's a very valid point.  As far as warning signs, we've had some conflict, but nothing more serious than we've had before.  With the two kids, one 3 and 1/2 and one 7 months, they take up a lot of our time and we don't get much "couple" time anymore.  I make a point to schedule at least 2 dates out of the house every month and we watch movies together on Friday night.   It certainly doesn't happen overnight, but I thought we were doing pretty good.  Sure, we have disagreements, but I didn't see this coming at all.

Killswitch: your word is not irrelevant.  Our anniversary is next week and I've had a nice room reserved for a two day stay.  Perhaps we'll work things out then. 

As others have said, I think we have gotten stuck in a rut of routine and need to spend more time together.  I really appreciate the discussion, guys.  I'd +1 each of you, but I only have 2 karma left right now.
superfly_cox
soup fly mod
+717|5862

Give us a little more information.  Your wife saying that your marriage is dead could mean a hundred different things based on the context in which it was said, her mood at the time, her personality, recent events...etc.

->Maybe it could be a way for her to express her dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the marriage in which case you really need to start listening to what she says.

->Maybe she's being dramatic...she is a woman after all.

->Maybe she is planning to leave you (for any number of reasons).

Can't really be sure unless you give us a bit more info...if its not too personal.
jamesb
Joined BF2s in November 2005
+133|5805|Doncaster, England
All you can really do is ask what is wrong.
She is the one who is unhappy and you don't know why.
Talk to your wife and find out how to fix it.
Remind her how important she is to your life.

Good luck mate...
unnamednewbie13
Moderator
+1,927|5852|USA

']['error wrote:

spend more time, do things with her etc.
Yeah, sounds like a bit of upkeep there.

KILLSWITCH wrote:

Stingray24 wrote:

I was planning on upgrading her wedding ring, but if she feels this way, I'm really hesitant to waste my money.
I wouldn't waste time on material objects.
Depends on the girl. US culture usually raises them to expect a certain level of splurging.

Last edited by unnamednewbie13 (2007-04-12 07:23:31)

ATG
Banned
+5,233|5610|Global Command
Sorry bro.
Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5526|The Land of Scott Walker

superfly_cox wrote:

Give us a little more information.  Your wife saying that your marriage is dead could mean a hundred different things based on the context in which it was said, her mood at the time, her personality, recent events...etc.

->Maybe it could be a way for her to express her dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the marriage in which case you really need to start listening to what she says.

->Maybe she's being dramatic...she is a woman after all.

->Maybe she is planning to leave you (for any number of reasons).

Can't really be sure unless you give us a bit more info...if its not too personal.
True, context would help.  I’m hesitant to step out on a limb here and share this, but here goes.  How all this came up was she apparently looks through the cookies or whatever on the PC and found I had looked at one of the threads in here with scantily clad chicks in it.  My bad, I’m a red-blooded man and I do my best not to look at stuff, but once in awhile I do - less than once a month.  All of last year if I really think about it, I probably looked at stuff about 7 times the whole year.  But she’s blown it out of proportion and now she thinks I’m addicted to porn and that I need to get counseling to overcome my “addiction”.  She’s a woman so she has no concept what a man’s mind is like.  If I was wanking every night in front of the PC, then we have a problem, but gimme a break.

She was also upset because I asked her to do more cleaning around the house. *gasp*  I know, it’s such a terrible request, huh. The background on this is that she wanted to quit her full-time job after she found out she was pregnant with our 2nd child.  I wrestled with it for awhile and decided if we got rid of cable and cell phones, didn’t eat out as much, and really tightened our spending, that we could do it.  I agreed on the condition that she would promise to really make an effort to keep the house clean since she’d be home and I’d be working.  I would still do my part, but logically, since she’s home, she has more time to do those things.  She agreed.

Well, our daughter is 7 months old and sometimes for a straight week or more my wife  does not clean up . . . anything.  No dishes washed, no vacuuming done, no laundry washed, clutter everywhere . . . and she’s been home all 5 days.  Frustrating, right?  Over the last couple months I tried asking nicely, tried taking a Saturday and cleaning up the whole place so it would be easier for her to maintain, and finally tried getting all pissed off and yelling.  Nothing’s worked.  She says she doesn’t have a boss and that she won’t let me tell her what to do.  I asked her if she remembered what she promised me when she wanted to stay home.  She replied that she’ll do things “when she feels like it”, not when I tell her to.  Btw, I don’t tell her to do anything, I’ve left it completely up to her to decide how to plan her day.  But when she isn’t keeping up her end of the deal, I’m going to say something.  She goes out whenever she wants without any complaint from me and has freedom to spend money within reason.  I never go and do anything.  My hobbies are the music I write and play and PC games.  Sounds boring, but that’s what I like to do when I have free time and she’s not around or if she's watching some dumb chick show on tv.

I think a small part of it may be drama.  When we have a conflict and she’s emotional, sometimes she’ll blow things out of proportion and suggest maybe we should get a divorce.  I always say, “No, we’re discussing this one issue, I don’t want a divorce and neither do you.”  Then we talk some more and work it out.  This time was different, though . . . she seemed more serious.  If this was just a wakeup call to me, she achieved her goal.  Long, long post and probably boring most of you, but that’s the context.
JahManRed
wank
+646|5709|IRELAND

Ahh man soz to hear that. But us, a bunch of men have a hard enough time understanding whats going on in our partners heads never mind a girl we never met will have a hard time giving you the proper advise. Tho I'll have a stab and forgive me if I am being presumptuous.

When you have kids and you missus stays at home to raise the kids, she sees you going out every day to a different world, were as she is at home with the kids and the kids are now her life. I'm guessing she feels unfulfilled with life. Yes she has kids etc but that's not enough sometimes. If you are giving plenty of quality time and you are sure that's not the issue.

My advise, I did this with my partner. Sent her back to college or work. Give her something outside the family. Something she can feel proud off as an individual.
See your kids are both your responsibility and the fruits of both your labours, maybe she doesn't have something of her own, something she can feel proud of as an individual. She might be thinking "I had all these things I dreamt of doing and I am going to be raising kids all my life" sounds selfish, but its not. Self fulfillment has the knock on effect of making a happier person, who in turn makes you and your kids happier.
And don't worry about putting your kids into child care. My kid goes to a creche(sp?) 3 days aweek and he loves it. Loves the interaction with other kids and the constant attention they give him. He has become more sociable and more out going since.
ATG
Banned
+5,233|5610|Global Command
And sex it up every chance you get.
hate&discontent
USMC 0311 SEMPER FI
+69|5469|USA, MICHIGAN
i'm going on 7 years of marrage, i've had my up's and down's.  the best thing to do is talk, i know it sucks but you need to find out what the problem is.  secondly, spend more time with her, even when she is watching a stupid chick flick watch it with her, it shows her that you want to spend time with her and that SHE is important.  trust me, a little time with your wife goes a long way, it's the little things that count more than the big things to a woman, again trust me i have a wife and 2 daughters a little time means a lot!!
SEREMAKER
BABYMAKIN EXPERT √
+2,187|5649|Mountains of NC

I'm also married and we have our little tiffs here and there but I think what makes us strong is that we share alot of activites together - we love horses and we own 3 - we love to shot and she has her personal CWP S7W 317 and I have too many guns to list - she HATES BF2 & 2142 (actual she hates the time I put into it) but I've told her to deal with it but we love playing fighting games together (mostly Tekken series)

I understand money can be a HUGE factor but do you have shared activites
https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/17445/carhartt.jpg
Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5526|The Land of Scott Walker
Thanks, JahManRed.  I thought a job might help, too, so she got a part-time job that she seemed to like.  We put the kids in childcare for a couple hours until I got out of work.  Now she's quit that to do data entry stuff at home, but that was completely her choice.  I can see where you're coming from with pride as an individual in what you're doing. 

ATG: We do sex it up quite often. Not every night, but on average 3-4 days a week.  On Good Friday when I was off work from noon to 3 she beckoned me to the bedroom and we missed the church service.  Sorry, God, but I went to Easter!

H&D: I take one for the team sometimes and last week rented a chick flick and we watched it together.  You're right about communication.  Hopefully with some more discussion and two days to ourselves next week we'll work through this.

Seremaker: I love shooting, too, but had to sell my HK USP awhile back because we needed the money at that time.  My wife will shoot with me, but I don't have something to shoot at the indoor range anymore.  My wife hates the PC in general, but especially 2142 and R6:Vegas.  She doesn't mind the driving games as much, but even when I spend loads of time with her, she still complains about my gaming.  So I told her that she doesn't have to like my hobbies and that I don't comment on how she spends her free time.  We don't really have shared hobbies, though we go to church or go out for a movie together once in awhile.  Usually we rent a dvd and watch it on a weekend together. 

Edit: She's mentioned she likes playing Madden.  I'm a FPS or driving game type guy, but I could learn . . . good excuse to get a console.

Last edited by Stingray24 (2007-04-12 08:47:04)

SEREMAKER
BABYMAKIN EXPERT √
+2,187|5649|Mountains of NC

hmmmmmmm sucks you sold your HK USP - I got a brand new Taurus Mill.Pro .45 if you want to buy it
j/k - I understand about the money situation



Since the weather is getting warmer and the days are getting longer, you and your wife could do stuff together outside , home maintaince, lawn care
https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/17445/carhartt.jpg
superfly_cox
soup fly mod
+717|5862

Well, here goes my analysis.

First off, its clear that she wears the pants in the relationship which is fine.  In any relationship there is going to be a dominant personality who gets their way most of the time.  In this case, it appears that she knows that she can have her way and is used to it being that way.  She seems able to manipulate you and is perfectly willing to test the limits of what she can get away with.

Second, if what you're saying is true then there is no excuse for her not wanting to pull her weight in the relationship by contributing with the house work.  Don't you think she may have a problem with you if one day you quit your job and stay home?  Its your responsibility to earn money and its her responsibility to take care of the child and house...you wanna fight over who has to clean the garage that's fine but in essence that's what it should be.  Regardless of other things going on in your marriage, she needs to be doing her part because because you are partners in raising the infant living in your house.  Neither of you can do whatever they feel like doing..

What you need to do is consider how far you are willing to compromise your principles in order to accommodate her behavior.  And I'm not talking about the normal give and take type of line where sometimes you'll deal with certain things.  I'm talking about absolute principles that people should never cross.  Once she crosses that line, then you need to put your foot down and make it clear that this is unacceptable...no compromise. 

A relationship is about balance.  Its about mutual respect and understanding.  When there stops being a balance,   It seems that she is either testing the boundaries of what she can get away with or is ultimately disillusioned with the marriage and doesn't care either way.  In both cases you need to decide where you draw the line and take a stand...without issuing ultimatums of course cause nobody likes those.  She'll either take a step towards you in which case she cares and wants to make the marriage work or she doesn't give a shit anymore and will tell you to fuck off.  In either situation you'll ultimately win because you'll either be returning to a level of balance in your marriage or you'll be getting out of a marriage which is only going to make you miserable.  I know the idea of not being with her is devastating, but you'll suffer far worse being with someone who doesn't love you or care about the family.

Honestly, I don't think you have anything to be worried about.  You sound like a good husband because you seem pretty sensitive about her needs and are willing to try to accommodate her points of view.  If she's the right person for you, she'd never leave you over things like what you mentioned before.  You are in the right on the issue of shared responsibilities.  So don't worry, she's probably just limit testing...we all do it in some way shape or form and the more our partners give in the more we'll test.

Note, the exception to everything I've said is if there's some underlying emotional issue which you're not seeing (because you are a man) which is causing her to behave in this way.  Before you even consider any of what i said above you need to make sure that there isn't more going on...maybe post partum depression or other emotional/complex things which are causing her to see the world differently than we all know it is.  You may want to seek female advice on what's really going on with her...you know the stuff that she doesn't tell you but expects you to understand.

all the other advice people are giving you is also excellent IMO.

finally, these points of views and analysis that all of us are giving you are only through the perspective of our life experiences and ways of seeing the world.  take em with a grain of salt cause if there's a saudi among us he'll tell you to lightly beat your wife for discipline purposes and you most certainly don't want to do that   there's no absolute rules in these types of situations.

good luck to you.
topal63
. . .
+533|5799
Sorry to hear, but I sort of had the same jealousy problem as well...

I doesn't really matter what form it takes, on old porno mag, looking at a Victoria's Secret flier before tossing it in the garbage, pausing on a commercial with a pretty girl in it too long before flipping the channel to another, noticing someone out in public. The PC just turns a women in to P.I. and turns normal male indiscretions into concrete evidence of his base nature. It took my wife YEARS to get over this; and tons of explanation(!) and it is not really your fault that you are normal hetero-male. Else why would you be attracted to your wife if you we’re not attracted to women to begin with (in general). You wouldn’t you would be gay; and you’re not. Using logic/rationalizations of your normal male nature - will not suffice though.

I have had many problems in my marriage as well. There has been a disproportionate amount of the real responsibility heaped upon me. But irregardless of there not being a perfect balance in our relationship. I either am continuing to choose her - or I am not. In the end if you love her you will fight and do what is necessary to maintain the relationship even if the solution is flawed.

Last edited by topal63 (2007-04-12 11:04:18)

Kmar
Truth is my Bitch
+5,695|5682|132 and Bush

She need your personal attention. It probably wasn't easy for her to tell you that. It sounds like you are a good provider, just don't forget the most important thing you can give her. Let her know she is still at the top of your list. You guys should go somewhere, just the two of you. Time is more important than any single thing you can buy.
Xbone Stormsurgezz
Stingray24
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
+1,060|5526|The Land of Scott Walker
Superfly, you’re right that neither of us should be able to just do our own thing, but I haven’t found a reasonable method of holding her accountable as of yet.  I’ve told her what I think is unacceptable and she agrees she doesn’t do enough in regard to the house and the uses the kids as the excuse for not doing anything.  To which I pointed out that I have both kids on Saturdays by myself and I managed to clean almost the whole house.     You may be on to something with the limit testing. Nothing else makes sense.  Thanks for your thoughts, I’ll avoid the Saudi/Iranian “light beating” approach.

As far as female advice, if there’s any ladies in here, feel free to throw in your two cents.

Topal 63: Glad someone gets the jealousy thing.  It’s downright maddening that I’m not even allowed to notice another woman for a split second while she can comment on the attractive nature of Will Smith’s butt in IRobot.   I’ve tried logic and explanations and that has utterly failed.  I’m sure I’ll find what’s necessary to maintain our relationship, but right now I’m out of ideas.
topal63
. . .
+533|5799

Stingray24 wrote:

Superfly, you’re right that neither of us should be able to just do our own thing, but I haven’t found a reasonable method of holding her accountable as of yet.  I’ve told her what I think is unacceptable and she agrees she doesn’t do enough in regard to the house and the uses the kids as the excuse for not doing anything.  To which I pointed out that I have both kids on Saturdays by myself and I managed to clean almost the whole house.     You may be on to something with the limit testing. Nothing else makes sense.  Thanks for your thoughts, I’ll avoid the Saudi/Iranian “light beating” approach. :D

As far as female advice, if there’s any ladies in here, feel free to throw in your two cents.

Topal 63: Glad someone gets the jealousy thing.  It’s downright maddening that I’m not even allowed to notice another woman for a split second while she can comment on the attractive nature of Will Smith’s butt in IRobot. :rolleyes:  I’ve tried logic and explanations and that has utterly failed.  I’m sure I’ll find what’s necessary to maintain our relationship, but right now I’m out of ideas.
When I said YEARS, I meant like about 14-15 years... REALLY.  She still considers it on occasion, but not to the same extent as in the beginning. It is totally tolerable now.

Like I said we had problems, some of them the same ones... for awhile she wanted to be flight attendant for United (a personal desire - dream of hers), and I said no way... what do you expect me to raise the kids alone - when your on 48-72 hour schedule - out-of-town! What the "F!"  She did it anyway - after 2 years I said enough! It's your job or me! Divorce of United; or me; she chose me - but that was not the end of the problem or crisis. As she resented me for a long time, but in the end we worked it out. And there has been the irresponsible with money problem - not yet resolved (after 20 years together)... :(

As I said I still choose her, because she is the the one I want - and I am still continuing to choose, you'll do what is necessary to get through the madness... any attempt is a good attempt if you're still choosing her.

Last edited by topal63 (2007-04-12 11:52:12)

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