Bullshitting to Win: A three-part guide
Bullshit is an important cultural phenomenon. It has inspired best-selling books, helped countless employees avoid getting fired, and saved every student from failing at one time or another. Perhaps you are proud of your bullshitting skills. Well, it is time you quit wasting your life and started using your skills constructively. Here is san4's three-part guide to bullshitting your way to victory in BF2.
An important fact to keep in mind is that good BF2 players may be able to shoot accurately and knife the hell out of you but most of them just don't have the mental skillz to handle bullshit. This guide describes three varieties of BS that can even the playing field when you are up against even the best players.
Part I: Tactical flaming
Everyone has done some flaming at some point, but most people have no clue how to do it effectively. They just spout whatever crazy shit they can come up with, and they direct their insults at whoever wanders into their field of vision. That's pointless. In contrast, the goal of tactical flaming is to focus on the other team's best player and get him to spend more time typing and less time kicking your team's ass on the battlefield. Of course the first rule is to include the name of the other team's best player in the messages you type. I'll refer to the enemy's best player as "deth_de4ler" (with apologies to D34TH_D34L3R, D3AtHdE4LeR, D34tHdEaLeR^, d34thd34l3r09, d34thd34l3r21, DethDealer666 and Deth_Deeler). Send your flames to all players in the game (the default key to do this is J), but warn your teammates not to waste their time participating in your flame war. If you're a really skilled bullshitter you can involve several enemy players in the fracas, maybe even taking a whole squad out of the action to play verbal footsie with you.
The most important rule is to forget everything you thought you knew about flaming people on the internet. The key to using flaming effectively is to make sure you *lose* the flame war. Yes, you must lose. I know, it goes against your most fundamental instincts and puts your fragile ego at risk, but do it for the team. Your goal is to type things that are so idiotic that it will be easy for the enemy players to make you sound like a total loser. All you're trying to do is get them to type instead of fight. Make it so easy those poor bastards can't resist.
Here are some examples that are guaranteed to draw enemy players into your diversionary flamewar. I'm sure you can come up with a few creative lines of your own to add to the list.
Call your arch-nemesis deth_de4ler a hax0r!1!! and a noob to get him to think you are an annoying 12-year old, then send him this little gem: "Hey deth_de4ler, what do you think I am, a smelly piece of crap?"No one could resist that invitation. No one. It's just too easy. The Pope would cover his mouth and run to the nearest confessional if you said it to him. The Dalai Lama would piss in his robes trying to hold himself back from smacking you down."Hey deth_de4ler, I'll send you a photo of my boobs if you ask nicely."Your arch-nemesis deth_de4ler will think you are an ugly, sleazy, creepy chick. He will be intrigued. I guarantee you he will take time out from dealing de4th to your teammates to watch for more messages about your boobs. I know I would.If you're not feeling very creative, of course there's the old standby: "I'm not wearing any underwear"Your mates will be able to take every flag in the time it takes for every single member of the other team to type "TOO MUCH INFORMATION YOU ASSHAT!"And last but not least: "I would kick your ass but my mom just said it's time for me to join her in bed."That's just going to freak people out. Just total, nuclear freakout. Use it only in the most extreme situations.Part II: Spreading MisinformationIn BF2, as in life, one form of bullshit that can help you win is lying to other people. You were taught that it is wrong to lie, weren't you? Well, anyone who told you that was lying to you. They probably knew it was a load of crap when they said it. Either that or they were never asked the question, "Honey, does this dress make my ass look fat?"In BF2 there are lots of opportunities for lying to the opposing team that will help you crush and humiliate the poor bastards. And isn't that what life is all about, crushing and humiliating your enemies?Here are three examples. This is just a starter set. If you are a skilled bullshitter you can probably come up with more on your own. Always send a message to your team first saying "disregard my next message" and then start spouting the BS for the other team's consumption.On Karkand, try sending this message to all players: "I found a new glitch! I'm inside the building at the suburb flag this is awesome!!1!" Your team will know to ignore your asinine message but the other team will be pissed off. They may go take a look at your "new glitch", drawing their manpower to a useless point on the edge of the map. Even better, they may waste time trying to kick you. This can easily turn into a "tactical flaming" session (see Part I of this guide). All of this distracts those highly-skilled enemy bastards from kicking your team's ass.On FuShe Pass, send this message to all players: "hey team--I'm getting something 2 eat so someone please try to cover me. I'm at the top of the tower at west mine entrance with my AT missiles." Mentioning that you are playing AT lets the other team know they can climb up to knife your motionless avatar without worrying about claymores. Since there are three towers at the West Mine Entrance base, your enemies will waste a boatload of time climbing up and down the towers looking for you. While they are climbing the ladders you can be capping other flags, watching and laughing your ass off, or sniping the gullible bastards from the nearby hills.It's unusual to see a 64-player infantry-only Mashtuur City map, and it's obvious why. It's huge and you just can't play the entire map without vehicles. If you get a chance to play IO on this map, you can take advantage by luring your enemies into the farthest reaches of the map. For example, send this message to all players: "where the fuk is medics? we got 3 guys here at north gas station w/1 bar of health. medics get here now". Of course you will not be at the North Gas Station when you send that message, and you will never go there. Enemies who hustle up to the North Gas Station expecting to get a flag and three easy kills will be greeted with an empty base. Let them have the flag. It'll take 20 minutes for them to get there and back so any opposing player who takes the bait is pretty much done for the round. After your gullible enemies fall for this one it is probably a good idea to taunt the poor bastards while they trudge back to civilization. For example, you can type "walking is good exercise, isn't it?" or, "seen any guys with 1 bar of health lately?" Of course you can just confront them head-on: "why are you guys way the hell out there?" Be careful to avoid starting a big flame war because they are already out of the action and there's no reason for you to waste your time on them anymore. Your mission has already been accomplished--through the awesome power of bullshit.Part III: Tactical kick votesUsing false accusations to ostracize people is a classic form of bullshit, first used against Socrates and practiced for millenia in all Western cultures. Nevertheless, please keep in mind that starting kick votes based on false accusations is really a bad thing to do. It just ruins the game. So only do this if the other team has a very good player or if you just really want to win. Or if you just feel like doing it for fun.It is obvious why kick votes never succeed: no one ever explains why the player should be kicked. Why would anyone vote to kick some player whose name they don't recognize when they don't even know what he supposedly did? (People who start kick votes without explaining them should be kicked. At least everyone knows what stupid thing *they* did.) The key to winning with kick votes is to be an effective advocate for your vote.One important technique is to use teamwork: have a teammate start the vote so you can argue in favor of it without seeming quite so biased. Of course, the kick vote should be targeted at the other team's best player but make sure that player isn't a member of the clan that runs the server (doh!). Here are some suggestions for tactical kick votes and effective ways to support them.On Karkand it is often helpful to accuse the other team's best player of glitching. Before you or your buddy starts the kick vote, build your case by typing to all players: "dethde4ler, get the hell out of the wall". A minute later, type "deth_de4ler you dam glitcher". Finally you can initiate the kick vote against deth_de4ler and type to everyone, "deth_de4ler was hiding in the wall near Market. kick him before he goes back in there."This example illustrates two important techniques for making false accusations stick to perfectly innocent people. First, build your case over time. That makes it clear that your kick vote is not just an angry impulse. It looks like you tried to warn deth_de4ler and you initiated the kick vote only when he refused to listen. You will sound reasonable, thoughtful and committed to the worthy cause of maintaining an even playing field in BF2. In other words, it won't sound like the devious, lying, anti-social bullshit it is. Second, it is essential to make accusations that are difficult to disprove. In the example above, note the use of the past tense--the accusation is that deth_de4ler "was" in the wall. The purpose of this is obvious: deth_de4ler won't be in the wall when you initiate your vote (because the poor bastard was never in there in the first place). If you scream that he is in the wall right now everyone will know you are a lying bullshitter. But when you say he *was* in the wall, even deth_de4ler's teammates will look at him and wonder: "I know he's not in the wall now, but maybe he was in there earlier." It is a difficult accusation to disprove, and we all know that everyone is guilty until proven innocent.Regardless of the result of your tactical kick vote, the other team's star will be pissed off, distracted, and hurt that 8 people voted to kick him (try to have everyone on your team vote to kick). He'll wonder if someone is going to report him to EA. Perhaps a flame war will start (see Part I of this guide). If the kick succeeds, well, we'll reserve a place for you in the bullshitter's hall of fame.On any map, you can start a kick vote and accuse the other team's best player of spawnkilling. The dirty little secret of spawnkilling is not really a secret: everyone does it. When you are near enemy spawnpoints, don't you keep an eye out for enemies appearing out of nowhere? Of course you do, because they will kill you if you don't kill them first. There's nothing wrong with a little incidental spawnkilling, but you can make your enemies *feel* like they are doing something wrong when they do it. Send a message to all players accusing deth_de4ler of spawnkilling: "nice spawnkill deth_de4ler". After you start the kick vote, send another message to all players: "kick deth_de4ler, he spawnkilled four guys in a row". The goal of this bullshit kick attempt is not to get him kicked (but if it happens you should pat yourself on your lying, scheming back). The goal is to make deth_de4ler nervous when he goes near enemy spawn points. He may even avoid them to reduce the chances that he'll be forced to spawnkill enemy guys who appear right in front of him. It will be kind of difficult for him to capture flags if he won't go near spawnpoints, won't it? Also keep in mind that there are dozens of spawnpoints on every map, so deth_de4ler will be constantly distracted. The effect of this ploy will be even better if deth_de4ler actually did some incidental spawnkilling. He'll feel a little guilty. Maybe he'll type a message to explain. Maybe a flame war will start...Perhaps the most annoying aspect of kick votes is that they appear on your screen (IN ALL GODDAMN CAPS) at inconvenient times. I can't tell you how many times I've been killed because I saw "IDIOT1 HAS INITIATED A KICK VOTE AGAINST IDIOT2..." and I pressed the Page Down key to get rid of the stupid yelling banner at the same moment an enemy came around the corner and blew my head off. Well, after reading the first two parts of this guide you are probably starting to get the idea that any annoying aspect of BF2 can be turned to your advantage if you are willing to act like an asshole. And who isn't? You can take advantage of the intrusiveness of kick vote notifications by using a kick vote as a signal to begin an attack. Have your teammates wait with their fingers on the Page Up key and then as soon as the vote appears (against an enemy player of course) they will press the key and rush in. Enemy players won't know the kick vote is coming so they won't react to it as quickly. Some of the poor bastards may even stop to read it. It will be the last pointless act of their pathetic enemy lives as your team swarms their position and shoots them before they can get their greasy little hands back on their mouses. The obvious strength of this use of kick votes is that it doesn't matter if the vote succeeds. You can use this technique when you are attacking on your own as well. If you know you are about to encounter an enemy player you can initiate a kick vote right before the fight begins. Diversionary kick vote + noob tube = win every time.
Part IV: Conclusion
One significant advantage of thinking about how to use bullshit to win in BF2 is that it can improve your ability to disregard idiots, flamers and bullshitters so you can focus on kicking the other team's ass. The next time you see stupid comments, cheating, stat padding, spawnkilling or a message falsely accusing you of something (or truthfully accusing you of something for that matter), you will think of this guide and realize that these things are just bullshit. You will know that the real danger is getting distracted. That realization will help you maintain your focus on the game and avoid letting tactical or naturally-occurring bullshit keep you from playing your best.
The small print (damn those lawyers!): Please be advised that the author of this guide assumes no responsibility for any consequences of following the guide's recommendations. If you are kicked, banned, pummeled, knifed or burned alive because you flamed, lied or made false accusations against other BF2 players as a result of anything you read in this guide, you have no legal, financial, moral, or ethical claim against the author of this guide. You probably deserved whatever you got. If you experience guilt, remorse, depression or mania as a result of following this guide's recommendations, it is the position of the author of this guide (and his legal representatives) that those emotions are not due to anything in the guide. They are due to your having a conscience and letting it get the best of you. If you feel no remorse whatsoever when lying and bullshitting to win in BF2, that is obviously a sign that you should think seriously about going to law school or running for public office.
Now get out there and bullshit your way to victory!
Bullshit is an important cultural phenomenon. It has inspired best-selling books, helped countless employees avoid getting fired, and saved every student from failing at one time or another. Perhaps you are proud of your bullshitting skills. Well, it is time you quit wasting your life and started using your skills constructively. Here is san4's three-part guide to bullshitting your way to victory in BF2.
An important fact to keep in mind is that good BF2 players may be able to shoot accurately and knife the hell out of you but most of them just don't have the mental skillz to handle bullshit. This guide describes three varieties of BS that can even the playing field when you are up against even the best players.
Part I: Tactical flaming
Everyone has done some flaming at some point, but most people have no clue how to do it effectively. They just spout whatever crazy shit they can come up with, and they direct their insults at whoever wanders into their field of vision. That's pointless. In contrast, the goal of tactical flaming is to focus on the other team's best player and get him to spend more time typing and less time kicking your team's ass on the battlefield. Of course the first rule is to include the name of the other team's best player in the messages you type. I'll refer to the enemy's best player as "deth_de4ler" (with apologies to D34TH_D34L3R, D3AtHdE4LeR, D34tHdEaLeR^, d34thd34l3r09, d34thd34l3r21, DethDealer666 and Deth_Deeler). Send your flames to all players in the game (the default key to do this is J), but warn your teammates not to waste their time participating in your flame war. If you're a really skilled bullshitter you can involve several enemy players in the fracas, maybe even taking a whole squad out of the action to play verbal footsie with you.
The most important rule is to forget everything you thought you knew about flaming people on the internet. The key to using flaming effectively is to make sure you *lose* the flame war. Yes, you must lose. I know, it goes against your most fundamental instincts and puts your fragile ego at risk, but do it for the team. Your goal is to type things that are so idiotic that it will be easy for the enemy players to make you sound like a total loser. All you're trying to do is get them to type instead of fight. Make it so easy those poor bastards can't resist.
Here are some examples that are guaranteed to draw enemy players into your diversionary flamewar. I'm sure you can come up with a few creative lines of your own to add to the list.
Call your arch-nemesis deth_de4ler a hax0r!1!! and a noob to get him to think you are an annoying 12-year old, then send him this little gem: "Hey deth_de4ler, what do you think I am, a smelly piece of crap?"No one could resist that invitation. No one. It's just too easy. The Pope would cover his mouth and run to the nearest confessional if you said it to him. The Dalai Lama would piss in his robes trying to hold himself back from smacking you down."Hey deth_de4ler, I'll send you a photo of my boobs if you ask nicely."Your arch-nemesis deth_de4ler will think you are an ugly, sleazy, creepy chick. He will be intrigued. I guarantee you he will take time out from dealing de4th to your teammates to watch for more messages about your boobs. I know I would.If you're not feeling very creative, of course there's the old standby: "I'm not wearing any underwear"Your mates will be able to take every flag in the time it takes for every single member of the other team to type "TOO MUCH INFORMATION YOU ASSHAT!"And last but not least: "I would kick your ass but my mom just said it's time for me to join her in bed."That's just going to freak people out. Just total, nuclear freakout. Use it only in the most extreme situations.Part II: Spreading MisinformationIn BF2, as in life, one form of bullshit that can help you win is lying to other people. You were taught that it is wrong to lie, weren't you? Well, anyone who told you that was lying to you. They probably knew it was a load of crap when they said it. Either that or they were never asked the question, "Honey, does this dress make my ass look fat?"In BF2 there are lots of opportunities for lying to the opposing team that will help you crush and humiliate the poor bastards. And isn't that what life is all about, crushing and humiliating your enemies?Here are three examples. This is just a starter set. If you are a skilled bullshitter you can probably come up with more on your own. Always send a message to your team first saying "disregard my next message" and then start spouting the BS for the other team's consumption.On Karkand, try sending this message to all players: "I found a new glitch! I'm inside the building at the suburb flag this is awesome!!1!" Your team will know to ignore your asinine message but the other team will be pissed off. They may go take a look at your "new glitch", drawing their manpower to a useless point on the edge of the map. Even better, they may waste time trying to kick you. This can easily turn into a "tactical flaming" session (see Part I of this guide). All of this distracts those highly-skilled enemy bastards from kicking your team's ass.On FuShe Pass, send this message to all players: "hey team--I'm getting something 2 eat so someone please try to cover me. I'm at the top of the tower at west mine entrance with my AT missiles." Mentioning that you are playing AT lets the other team know they can climb up to knife your motionless avatar without worrying about claymores. Since there are three towers at the West Mine Entrance base, your enemies will waste a boatload of time climbing up and down the towers looking for you. While they are climbing the ladders you can be capping other flags, watching and laughing your ass off, or sniping the gullible bastards from the nearby hills.It's unusual to see a 64-player infantry-only Mashtuur City map, and it's obvious why. It's huge and you just can't play the entire map without vehicles. If you get a chance to play IO on this map, you can take advantage by luring your enemies into the farthest reaches of the map. For example, send this message to all players: "where the fuk is medics? we got 3 guys here at north gas station w/1 bar of health. medics get here now". Of course you will not be at the North Gas Station when you send that message, and you will never go there. Enemies who hustle up to the North Gas Station expecting to get a flag and three easy kills will be greeted with an empty base. Let them have the flag. It'll take 20 minutes for them to get there and back so any opposing player who takes the bait is pretty much done for the round. After your gullible enemies fall for this one it is probably a good idea to taunt the poor bastards while they trudge back to civilization. For example, you can type "walking is good exercise, isn't it?" or, "seen any guys with 1 bar of health lately?" Of course you can just confront them head-on: "why are you guys way the hell out there?" Be careful to avoid starting a big flame war because they are already out of the action and there's no reason for you to waste your time on them anymore. Your mission has already been accomplished--through the awesome power of bullshit.Part III: Tactical kick votesUsing false accusations to ostracize people is a classic form of bullshit, first used against Socrates and practiced for millenia in all Western cultures. Nevertheless, please keep in mind that starting kick votes based on false accusations is really a bad thing to do. It just ruins the game. So only do this if the other team has a very good player or if you just really want to win. Or if you just feel like doing it for fun.It is obvious why kick votes never succeed: no one ever explains why the player should be kicked. Why would anyone vote to kick some player whose name they don't recognize when they don't even know what he supposedly did? (People who start kick votes without explaining them should be kicked. At least everyone knows what stupid thing *they* did.) The key to winning with kick votes is to be an effective advocate for your vote.One important technique is to use teamwork: have a teammate start the vote so you can argue in favor of it without seeming quite so biased. Of course, the kick vote should be targeted at the other team's best player but make sure that player isn't a member of the clan that runs the server (doh!). Here are some suggestions for tactical kick votes and effective ways to support them.On Karkand it is often helpful to accuse the other team's best player of glitching. Before you or your buddy starts the kick vote, build your case by typing to all players: "dethde4ler, get the hell out of the wall". A minute later, type "deth_de4ler you dam glitcher". Finally you can initiate the kick vote against deth_de4ler and type to everyone, "deth_de4ler was hiding in the wall near Market. kick him before he goes back in there."This example illustrates two important techniques for making false accusations stick to perfectly innocent people. First, build your case over time. That makes it clear that your kick vote is not just an angry impulse. It looks like you tried to warn deth_de4ler and you initiated the kick vote only when he refused to listen. You will sound reasonable, thoughtful and committed to the worthy cause of maintaining an even playing field in BF2. In other words, it won't sound like the devious, lying, anti-social bullshit it is. Second, it is essential to make accusations that are difficult to disprove. In the example above, note the use of the past tense--the accusation is that deth_de4ler "was" in the wall. The purpose of this is obvious: deth_de4ler won't be in the wall when you initiate your vote (because the poor bastard was never in there in the first place). If you scream that he is in the wall right now everyone will know you are a lying bullshitter. But when you say he *was* in the wall, even deth_de4ler's teammates will look at him and wonder: "I know he's not in the wall now, but maybe he was in there earlier." It is a difficult accusation to disprove, and we all know that everyone is guilty until proven innocent.Regardless of the result of your tactical kick vote, the other team's star will be pissed off, distracted, and hurt that 8 people voted to kick him (try to have everyone on your team vote to kick). He'll wonder if someone is going to report him to EA. Perhaps a flame war will start (see Part I of this guide). If the kick succeeds, well, we'll reserve a place for you in the bullshitter's hall of fame.On any map, you can start a kick vote and accuse the other team's best player of spawnkilling. The dirty little secret of spawnkilling is not really a secret: everyone does it. When you are near enemy spawnpoints, don't you keep an eye out for enemies appearing out of nowhere? Of course you do, because they will kill you if you don't kill them first. There's nothing wrong with a little incidental spawnkilling, but you can make your enemies *feel* like they are doing something wrong when they do it. Send a message to all players accusing deth_de4ler of spawnkilling: "nice spawnkill deth_de4ler". After you start the kick vote, send another message to all players: "kick deth_de4ler, he spawnkilled four guys in a row". The goal of this bullshit kick attempt is not to get him kicked (but if it happens you should pat yourself on your lying, scheming back). The goal is to make deth_de4ler nervous when he goes near enemy spawn points. He may even avoid them to reduce the chances that he'll be forced to spawnkill enemy guys who appear right in front of him. It will be kind of difficult for him to capture flags if he won't go near spawnpoints, won't it? Also keep in mind that there are dozens of spawnpoints on every map, so deth_de4ler will be constantly distracted. The effect of this ploy will be even better if deth_de4ler actually did some incidental spawnkilling. He'll feel a little guilty. Maybe he'll type a message to explain. Maybe a flame war will start...Perhaps the most annoying aspect of kick votes is that they appear on your screen (IN ALL GODDAMN CAPS) at inconvenient times. I can't tell you how many times I've been killed because I saw "IDIOT1 HAS INITIATED A KICK VOTE AGAINST IDIOT2..." and I pressed the Page Down key to get rid of the stupid yelling banner at the same moment an enemy came around the corner and blew my head off. Well, after reading the first two parts of this guide you are probably starting to get the idea that any annoying aspect of BF2 can be turned to your advantage if you are willing to act like an asshole. And who isn't? You can take advantage of the intrusiveness of kick vote notifications by using a kick vote as a signal to begin an attack. Have your teammates wait with their fingers on the Page Up key and then as soon as the vote appears (against an enemy player of course) they will press the key and rush in. Enemy players won't know the kick vote is coming so they won't react to it as quickly. Some of the poor bastards may even stop to read it. It will be the last pointless act of their pathetic enemy lives as your team swarms their position and shoots them before they can get their greasy little hands back on their mouses. The obvious strength of this use of kick votes is that it doesn't matter if the vote succeeds. You can use this technique when you are attacking on your own as well. If you know you are about to encounter an enemy player you can initiate a kick vote right before the fight begins. Diversionary kick vote + noob tube = win every time.
Part IV: Conclusion
One significant advantage of thinking about how to use bullshit to win in BF2 is that it can improve your ability to disregard idiots, flamers and bullshitters so you can focus on kicking the other team's ass. The next time you see stupid comments, cheating, stat padding, spawnkilling or a message falsely accusing you of something (or truthfully accusing you of something for that matter), you will think of this guide and realize that these things are just bullshit. You will know that the real danger is getting distracted. That realization will help you maintain your focus on the game and avoid letting tactical or naturally-occurring bullshit keep you from playing your best.
The small print (damn those lawyers!): Please be advised that the author of this guide assumes no responsibility for any consequences of following the guide's recommendations. If you are kicked, banned, pummeled, knifed or burned alive because you flamed, lied or made false accusations against other BF2 players as a result of anything you read in this guide, you have no legal, financial, moral, or ethical claim against the author of this guide. You probably deserved whatever you got. If you experience guilt, remorse, depression or mania as a result of following this guide's recommendations, it is the position of the author of this guide (and his legal representatives) that those emotions are not due to anything in the guide. They are due to your having a conscience and letting it get the best of you. If you feel no remorse whatsoever when lying and bullshitting to win in BF2, that is obviously a sign that you should think seriously about going to law school or running for public office.
Now get out there and bullshit your way to victory!
Last edited by san4 (2006-12-28 10:41:44)