Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6745|Noizyland

thepilot91 wrote:

how do you make a cat say woof?

answer: you take a lot of petrol and a match-->result: WOOOF!
Similarly:

How do you make a dog meow?

Freeze it and cut it in half with a Chainsaw: "MMEEAAAOWWW!"
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
clogar
damn ain't it great to be a laxer
+32|5926|Minnesota
30 Things To Do In An Exam When You Know You're Going To Fail It Anyways:

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."

34. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #__ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if heshe did it.

42. Dress like the professor.

43. Cross-Dress.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

Last edited by clogar (2008-03-06 15:48:48)

kptk92
u
+972|6378|tc_london
A blonde woman goes home to find her husband in bed with a redhead. In frustration she takes her husbands gun out of the draw and puts it to her head. He begs her not to do it because she would be killing herself. And she says  ' FUCK OFF, OR YOU'RE NEXT '  !!
kptk92
u
+972|6378|tc_london
a blonde, redhead, and a brunette are running from the law. they find an old barn to hide out in, knowing the police are on there trail. they find three empty sacks and jump in them. the police man goes over to the first sack and kicks it

'woof' the brunette says. 'ahhh it must be a dog

he then walks over to the second sack

'meowwww' the redhead says. 'Ahhhhh it must be a cat'

he walks over to the final sack and kicks it.

the blonde replies and says.  'POTATOES'
kptk92
u
+972|6378|tc_london

stkhoplite wrote:

what do 9/10 people enjoy?
Gangrape
LOL
Nintendogamer
Member
+72|6557|Chelmsford, UK
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?"
God Replies, "In five years time".
"But I'll be dead by then!" says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?"
The Good Lord answers, "In ten years time".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Derby win the Premier League?".
God pauses then answers,"I'll be dead by then!"

What's the difference between a bra and Derby County?
A bra has two cups and support

Someone asked me the other day what time Derby kick off. I replied by saying 'every ten minutes'.
AWSMFOX
Banned
+405|6433|A W S M F O X
Juan frequented the beach often, and he was always trying to grab the attention of the girls around him. He never had any success, but he noticed Hernandez always had a gaggle of girls around him, one day he asked Hernandez what his secret was, to which Hernandez replied: "Because you are a nice man Juan, I will tell you my secret, women love men with the big package you know? So when you are putting on your speedos gringo, you stuff a potato into them, eh!" The next day Juan did as Hernandez said, but he found girls liked him even less, they started to run away from him now. He found Hernandez asked why this was so. Hernandez said:

"You have to put the potato in the front of your speedos!"
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6745|Noizyland

Nintendogamer wrote:

What's the difference between a bra and Derby County?
A bra has two cups and support
That's similar to the All Black bra joke after the last World Cup:

Have you heard about the All Black bra?

It's all support and no cup.
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
mtb0minime
minimember
+2,418|6625

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?



He kept getting nailed to the boards
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6644|Cardiff, Capital of Wales
https://img523.imageshack.us/img523/9462/bonokw7.th.jpg

Click to enlarge

Stolen from phun
belldawg
Serial Jay-Walker
+52|5954|Perth, indian ocean
bahaha nice one 1927
CTD-CaptainBuck
BLEEDING BLUE
+71|6738|Tenn
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room had been taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.“

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?" asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,‘ and he sat up all night watching me.”
CTD-CaptainBuck
BLEEDING BLUE
+71|6738|Tenn

tas111sat wrote:

Dont know if this has been posted.
There is a fancy dress party a man knocks on the door in his underpants the man who answers it says what have you come as then?
and he says premature ejaculation ive just came in my pants.
thot the title said "best best" joke?????

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.” To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “Moses.”

The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”
Pug
UR father's brother's nephew's former roommate
+652|6512|Texas - Bigger than France
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One looks at the other and says, "This taste funny to you?"
Nintendogamer
Member
+72|6557|Chelmsford, UK
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Last edited by Nintendogamer (2008-03-23 15:30:04)

commandochristian
Honda - The Power of Dreams
+293|6383|Michigan, USA

Just got this in an email lol

"Our Rebate Checks"

How to use the rebate:

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America , so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6644|Cardiff, Capital of Wales

MAGUIRE93 wrote:

I don't know if this is a joke but its funny.
It is a conversation between my friends.
Zack (me) :kyle grow some balls.
Sean : He cant find the seeds to grow them.
Everyone in the room: LOL
Dear god.
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6745|Noizyland

MAGUIRE93 wrote:

I don't know if this is a joke but its funny.
It is a conversation between my friends.
Zack (me) :kyle grow some balls.
Sean : He cant find the seeds to grow them.
Everyone in the room: LOL
M'kay.                                                                      ,**'
I don't mean to be mean but:                                  '******,
                                                                          ' ********'
           ,   '   ' ,                     ,   '   ,                    .   ******,
'  ,   ,                '   .         , '               ' .             '       , **
    '                        '  . '                         '   .   '       
*pish*                    *pish*                       *pish*
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6644|Cardiff, Capital of Wales

Ty wrote:

MAGUIRE93 wrote:

I don't know if this is a joke but its funny.
It is a conversation between my friends.
Zack (me) :kyle grow some balls.
Sean : He cant find the seeds to grow them.
Everyone in the room: LOL
M'kay.                                                                      ,**'
I don't mean to be mean but:                                  '******,
                                                                          ' ********'
           ,   '   ' ,                     ,   '   ,                    .   ******,
'  ,   ,                '   .         , '               ' .             '       , **
    '                        '  . '                         '   .   '       
*pish*                    *pish*                       *pish*
Can't the real shit ones be removed (jokes, of course)
Reddhedd
trolawlawl
+188|6415|EE Chat
How long does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw the babies.
MAGUIRE93
High Angle Hell
+182|6164|Schofield Barracks

1927 wrote:

Ty wrote:

MAGUIRE93 wrote:

I don't know if this is a joke but its funny.
It is a conversation between my friends.
Zack (me) :kyle grow some balls.
Sean : He cant find the seeds to grow them.
Everyone in the room: LOL
M'kay.                                                                      ,**'
I don't mean to be mean but:                                  '******,
                                                                          ' ********'
           ,   '   ' ,                     ,   '   ,                    .   ******,
'  ,   ,                '   .         , '               ' .             '       , **
    '                        '  . '                         '   .   '       
*pish*                    *pish*                       *pish*
Can't the real shit ones be removed (jokes, of course)
i deleted it.
Vub
The Power of Two
+188|6465|Sydney, Australia
A man in a trench coat approached three old ladies who were sitting on a porch. Upon reaching them he opened his coat and flashed at them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach.
Mekstizzle
WALKER
+3,611|6591|London, England
What do women and condoms have in common?


Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
CanadianLoser
Meow :3 :3
+1,148|6478

Ty wrote:

thepilot91 wrote:

how do you make a cat say woof?

answer: you take a lot of petrol and a match-->result: WOOOF!
Similarly:

How do you make a dog meow?

Freeze it and cut it in half with a Chainsaw: "MMEEAAAOWWW!"
how do you make w00f meow?

!woof meow meow

meow

/irc
PeoNinja
Ninja Fart - Silent but Deadly
+31|6169
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (a bug with 100 legs), which came in a little white box.

He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?


A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"


--------------------------------------------------
A Married Woman, a Mistress and an Engaged Woman Get 'Kinky!'


3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.

He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:
















'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'   

Last edited by PeoNinja (2008-04-01 14:49:19)

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