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A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

1st BF2s Joke Contest

Winner with 41 votes out of 129 [RFW]Xenomorph.

These are the final standings of the 1st BF2s Joke Contest:   

[RFW]Xenomorph: Winner, 41 votes (31%)
"One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!"

joker3327: Second Place, 14 votes
A man in a Mask bursts into the sperm bank with a Gun " open the goddam safe" he shouts to the manageress....he then says ..."take out a sample"    " drink it"....she gulps it down.......    the man takes of his mask...its her boyfriend......he says " See, not the bloody difficult, is it ?"

The Magic Mullet: Tied for Third Place, 12 votes
A duck walks into a bar, approaches the barman and says "Got any bread?"
Barman says "No"
The duck looks at him again........"Got any bread?"
Barman again says "No"
The duck looks around, and asks again......"Got any bread?"
Clearly infuriated, the barman shouts "NO. NO BASTARD BREAD"
The duck again says "Got any b-"
The barman jumps up and shouts "LOOK, IF YOU ASK ME FOR ANY BASTARD BREAD ONCE MORE I'LL NAIL YOUR BASTARD BEAK TO THE BAR."
The duck, unaffected approaches again and asks...."Got any nails?"
Barman says "no"
Duck says "Oh................... Got any bread?"

Sarrk: Tied for Third Place, 12 votes
"So, theres a farmer and he goes to talk to his ducks, he goes to the first one, "Whats your name and what have you been doing today?" The duck replies "My name's quack, and Ive been in and out of puddles all day"
The farmer nods and moves on to the second duck, he asks the same question, this one says "My name's Jack, and Ive been in and out of puddles all day!"
The farmer goes on his way to the third duck, which replies to the question, "My name's puddles..."

Jinto-sk: Fifth Place, 10 votes
It's Bob's last day as a postman after 50 years of doing the same round.
At the first house he is greeted by the owner and given a bottle of Champagne and a pat on the back
At the second house he is greeted and given a box of Cuban cigars and many thanks
At the third house he is given a Cheque for £100 and an engraved lighter
At the forth house he is greeted by a 21 year old blonde goddess dressed in lingerie, she takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she gives him the best shag of his life, she then leads him down to the kitchen and tells him to take a seat while she makes him breakfast.  While the babe is making breakfast Bob can't help but notice £2 next to his coffee mug. so he asks the girl "what's this £2 for?" and the woman replies "well I was talking to my husband last night and said It's the postman's last day tomorrow what shall we get him"
My husband said "Fuck him just give him £2".  "BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA".

1927: Tied for Sixth Place, 9 votes
King Arthur has to go away from his Castle and fight a war in a land far far away.  He's worried that his beautiful Virgin daughter will be led down the  wicked path by one of his trusted knights left behind to defend the castle.
He calls for Merlin who makes all the gadgets the King could ever need.  He tells Merlin his worries and Merlin tells him to "Come and see me tommorow I have just the thing in mind".
The King arrives at Merlins workshops the next day, knocks and enters.  In front of the King lies a gleaming, silver polished belt with a guillotine mechanism in the crotch area.  The puzzled King asks "Good God Merlin, what the hell is that"?  Merlins replies "Allow me to demonstrate King Arthur".  Merlin pulls a carrot from his pocket and inserts into the crotch area of the belt.  Within a split second WHOOOOOOSH, the blade falls down and cuts the carrot in half. "Excellent" cried the King, "That'll stop any red blooded male sowing his oats with my beautiful virgin daughter".
The next morning King Arthur leaves the castle on his crusade to a land far, far away.
A few months pass and then the victorious King returns to his castle and a hero's welcome from his people.  That very day he calls for all his trusted Knights to stand in an inspection parade.  He lines them up and orders them to drop there trousers.  He walks past each one individually, looks down and inspects to see if they have fallen victim to the device which painfully cut the carrot in two.
He looks at the first knight, looks him in the eye, looks down and too his horror notices half of a penis stump.  "Take this man away" he yells, "I trusted you and you have failed me".  The guards move in and take the untrusting Knight to the dungeons kicking and screaming. The next Kinght in the queue is waiting nervously, again same result.  "take him away".  This carries on down the queue until the King reaches the very last knight left for inspection.  The King looks him in the eye, looks down and to his delight see's a full 7" of flesh left remaining.
"Hurray" cries the King, "I knew I could trust you".  "You may have half my kingdom and my daughters hand in marrage, I knew I could trust you".
"Mank bu berry muff" muffled the knight. "Gerry kund og bu gir".

DonFck: Tied for Sixth Place, 9 votes
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath.
The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

CameronPoe: Tied for Sixth Place, 9 votes
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing... they were both stuck-up cunts.

WilhelmSissener: Ninth Place, 8 votes
What do women and public toilets have in common?
All the good ones are busy, and the rest are full of shit.

Jenspm: Tenth Place, 5 votes
What is Sweden's most famous invention?
The Inflatable Dart Board!

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-11-16 15:32:17)

37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines:

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2 2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

A Dog Named Sex:

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

A kid says to his father "Daddy, I don't know what I want to do when I grow up."  The father says "Son, you are going to make the world sparkle."  The boy smiles and runs off to pretend that he is a super hero, a teacher, or a doctor.  The boy's mother says to the father "How nice of you to cheer him up."  Her husband replies "What's cheerful about being a janitor?"

Stun gun--ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS;

Pocket Taser Stun Gun-a great gift for a wife.

A guy who purchased his wife a "pocket taser" for their Anniversary submitted this.....

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & pawn shop that sparked me interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary & I was looking for something special for my wife Tonie. What I came across was a 100,000 -volt, pocket/sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home. I loaded two triple AA batteries in the darn thing & pushed the button, nothing happened, I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button & pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time: I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back & forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave. Okay, so I was alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A-batteries, right???????

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently [trusting little soul ] while I was reading the directions & thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about sapping the cat, But, she is such a sweet soul. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. AM I WRONG???? So there I sat in a pair of shorts & a tank top with my reading glasses perched on my nose, directions in one hand & taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock & disorient your assailant; a two -second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms & a major loss of bodily control; a three -second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer then three seconds would be wasting batteries.

All the while I looking at this device measuring 5'', less then 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really{ & loaded with 2 itsy bitsy triple A batteries} thinking to myself, “NO POSSIBLE WAY !"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking with her head cocked to one side as to say 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give my self a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,& Holy MOTHER WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!!!

I’m pretty sure JESSIE VENTURA ran through the side door, picked me up in the recliner &the body slammed us both on the carpet over & over & over again, I vaguely recall waking up on my side in a fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,& tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "DO IT AGAIN!!" If you are ever thinking to [mug] yourself with a taser, one note of caution, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE SECOND BURST when you zap your self, cause you can't let loose of it until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

THAT HURT LIKE HELL! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits [what little I had left].Sat down surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace...How did they get there?????

MY triceps, right thigh & both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot with Novocain & my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles & offering a significant reward for their return.


******I received this via email from a family member******

he deserves a darwin award
that was fantastic!!!!!!!!

Reciprocity wrote:

?"


How do you get 10 babies into a 5 gallon bucket?
-a blender

How do you get 10 babies out of a 5 gallon bucket?
-Doritos

omfg thats sick lol

Here's one from the E-mail bag :

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, September 18, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY! AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How to Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays -- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll -- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding the Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor --
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss of Identity -- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How to Find Things -- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost -- Real Life! Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live -- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy -- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When youre Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS OR MYSPACE:

1. 40-ish................................49.

2. Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

3. Athletic...............................No boobs.

4. Average looking....................Moooo.

5. Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

6. Emotionally Secure................On medication.

7. Feminist................................Fat.

8. Free
spirit.............................Junkie.

9. Friendship first......................Former slut.

10. New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.

11. Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

12. Open-minded.......................Desperate.

13. Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.

14. Professional..........................B$tch.

15. Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

Fatal Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

MesOne35 wrote:

what do you get when u run over a baby with a lawn mower

an erection

that belongs in worst best joke