Pages: 1 … 3 4 5 6 7 … 38

 

2006-10-06 08:41:15
Rygar
Canucklehead
+69|6951|Nova Scotia
A long one:

What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....
2006-10-06 08:41:30
S3v3N
lolwut?
+685|6823|Montucky
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
2006-10-09 17:39:56
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.
Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.
Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:
DEAR JOE SCREWED
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more
problems than the original system.
Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C: \APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.
2006-10-10 07:22:32
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
The Two Pensioners:

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
2006-10-10 07:26:15
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
2006-10-10 07:39:30
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
Blondes:

1-A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

2-A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.
"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

3-There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette about how she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

4-On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

5- A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
2006-10-10 14:34:34
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself."  The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.  Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
2006-10-10 15:51:08
Twist
Too old to be doing this sh*t
+103|6828|Little blue planet, milky way
In case you haven't heard: Politicians are now debating the word "condom".
The thing about the word "condom" is that it sounds dirty, and seeing as how the idea of the condom is to avoid unwanted pregnancy and disease, it's not good for people to think of it as a dirty word. So in order to rectify this situation a different name for this little peice of latex will have to be used.
The idea was then to use the word "preservative". But this is very tough for young people to pronunce and thus is not a good substitute.
This leads to the inevitable coclusion that a new word must be found. So a compromise is made, we call it a "conservative", but who wants THAT pulled over their heads ?
2006-10-13 06:00:22
Rygar
Canucklehead
+69|6951|Nova Scotia
Just got this 'send this to everyone you know' emails that made me laugh because it's so dumb it is funny.

Beware of the following hoax
Hoax warnings scare me, but this one is important.
Please immediately send this to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, DO NOT show them your bum.
This is a scam; they just want to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

hmm, maybe I should have put it in the best worst joke thread

Last edited by Rygar (2006-10-13 06:01:18)

2006-10-13 11:35:57
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
Corporate Lessons:

1. Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.  Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.  Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars
he owes me?"
Finding:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

2. Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes
from her leg.  Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Finding:         
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

3. Corporate Lesson 3
Usually the staff of the company play football.  The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

4. Corporate Lesson 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.  "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."  Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Finding:
Always let your boss have the first say.
2006-10-18 08:25:56
FI-SCOTTY
Member
+16|7000|Scotland
Apologies if this is already posted.

What did one Tampon say to the other?

Nothing they wouldnt talk to each other.......they were both stuck up cunts.

Last edited by FI-SCOTTY (2006-10-18 08:37:56)

2006-10-22 20:24:56
w0ls0n
Member
+16|6852|Maine

schofield wrote:

anyone know what factor steve irwins sun cream was when he died? there mustn't have not been enough cos the harmfull rays got him
That was just bad,
2006-10-24 02:11:45
Ice Cold Killa
Member
+26|6749|Perth, W.A, Australia.
one day a man goes out and buys a radio/cd player but this isnt any ordinary radio/cd player if you say a song it will play it the man decides to install it into his car and go for a drive. The man stops at some traffic lights and some kids start throwing eggs at his car so he yells "FUCKING KIDS" then all of a sudden the special radio/cd player starts playing every Michael Jackson album.
2006-10-27 04:33:42
Vub
The Power of Two
+188|6799|Sydney, Australia
big shot lawyer decides he wanted to go hunting one day, so he gets into his Merc and heads down to the country side. As he's driving, he sees a duck flying overhead, and thinking this is his chance, he gets out of the car and shoots the duck down with this shotgun. The dead duck landed away in a guy's field, so he climbs the fence to fetch the duck.

As he gets there, a farmer pulls up in a tractor and says: "Who are you, and why are you on my property?"

The lawyer, being a big shot says pompously "I'm a lawyer, and I shot this duck, I'm coming to get it."

"But the duck landed in my land, so it's mine." The farmer retorts.

The lawyer laughs and says "I'm a very successful lawyer, I can sue the pants of you if you don't give me that duck."

"Ok, ok, we'll settle this the old fashion way, man against man."

"OK" says the lawyer.

"This is how it works, we each get to kick each other in the testicles, the first man to give up loses."

"OK, bring it."

So the farmer kicks the lawyer really hard in the nuts. The lawyer falls to the ground grimacing with pain, and after 10 minutes manages to get back up onto his feet. "Alright, my turn" he says with menace.

"Nah, I give up, you can have the duck."
2006-11-08 11:29:47
misconfiguration
GURU
+86|6701|Indianapolis, IN

sergeriver wrote:

Pooping at Work:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

Out of the Closet Pooper
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

The Pooping Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-Cough
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
I had tears coming down my face at work, GREAT ONE +1!!!
2006-11-08 12:52:15
IRONCHEF
Member
+385|6796|Northern California

Jzus369 wrote:

A priest, a rabbi, the pope, a talking dog, a blonde, a blind man, a redneck, a polish guy, two nuns and a guy with a duck on his head walk into a bar and the place collapses in on itself in a joke cliché implosion.
Dude, no gays?
2006-11-08 13:00:58
IRONCHEF
Member
+385|6796|Northern California

sergeriver wrote:

Pooping at Work:
Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Oh damn...still wiping tears away.  Haven't seen this in years and it's just as funny then as it is now.  holy hell my stomach muscles hurt still! lol  nice one serge!
2006-11-08 13:05:26
commissargizz
Member
+123|6768| Heaven
LOL keep em coming serge
2006-11-10 12:05:51
kr@cker
Bringin' Sexy Back!
+581|6854|Southeastern USA

sergeriver wrote:

Signs you are too drunk:


You can focus better with one eye closed.
.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
my new year's res was to become an alcoholic, these happen on a regular basis for me, at least 2 out of 3 a weekend, i'd have to say "mission accomplished"
2006-11-10 16:24:58
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.  "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.  Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
2006-11-10 16:32:00
BigmacK
Back from the Dead.
+628|7055|Chicago.
A priest and a nun go out for a round of golf.

On the first tee box, the preist pulls out his driver and nails a 250 yard shot right up the fairway.
The nun, hits a similar shot.

As the priest walks up to his ball, he pulls out a 9 iron and takes a swing. He completley misses the ball and quietly mutters "Oh, shit." The nun glares at him, and tells him to watch his mouth. He stares down at the ball. Intently, he tries to concentrate. Backswing....foreward motion...."Oh, shit." The nun screams at him, to watch his language. He finally hits his ball and they move to the green.

He pulls out his putter, and gives the ball a roll. "Oh, shit." He tries again. "Oh, shit." One last time, "Oh, shit." The nun had finally had enough. She said to him: "If you swear one more time on this very course, the Lord God will strike you down." He lined up the putt, and gave it one more roll..."Oh, shit."

Just then, a lightning bolt came down and hit the nun square in the head. She dropped down, dead.

The preist looked up to the sky, and heard God say: "Oh, shit."

Last edited by BigmacK (2006-11-10 16:33:23)

2006-11-10 16:54:40
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|7062|Argentina
Farting People:

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.
2006-11-11 07:23:38
Planet_Express_
Member
+4|6682
There is this soldier, and he dies on the battlefield (2). But he goes to heaven. But he doesnt believe in god, he believes in allah.

So he arrives at heaven and he thinks:
" I must be in the wrong place, I dont believe in god".

But he rings the bell, and Maria opens the door:
The soldier: " Im looking for Allah"
She: " Oh, come in. Allah is upstairs. Come in"

So he enters and he goes to level 1.  There he meets Jebus.
Jebus: "Hi mate, whats up"
The soldier: "Jo, im looking for Allah"
Jebus: " Oh, come in. Allah is upstairs. Come in"

So he enters and he goes to level 2.  There he meets God.
God: "Hi dead soldier, how are they hanging"
The soldier: "Jo, im looking for Allah"
Jebus: " Oh, come in. I will call him. Come in"

So God calls Allah, and Allah Appears.
God: " Allah, can you bring us two coffees please"
2006-11-11 07:28:19
naightknifar
Served and Out
+642|6866|Southampton, UK

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Rofl, Brilliant.
2006-11-14 18:27:17
[TTS]Tiger
Member
+1|6731
Little Johnny was 7 years old. Like any boy his age, he was a little curious. He had been hearing about courting fromthe older boys and was wandering what it was and how to do it. So, he went to his mother with it. She got frustrated. Told him to hide behind the curtains and watch his sister and her boyfriend. This he done!

The next day he told his mother every detail. First his sister and her boyfriend came into the living room and sat on the couch to started talking. Then he got up and turned off the lights, then started kissing and hugging her. They must have been getting sick because they started moaning and groaning. He must have thought she was getting sick too because she was making funny faces then he put his hand up in under her shirt to feel her heart. He must not be as good as a doctor because he couldn't seem to find her heartbeat. The hand msut have gotten cold because he put it up her skirt.

She must have been getting a fever becase she said she was getting hot. Next she moved up to the end of the couch.

Then I finally seen what was making them sick. An eel had gotten into his pants. It came out, it was 9 inches long.HONEST! Anyway my sister thought it something because she was screaming oh my God. Need to take her the lake and show her the one there. He grab it with one hand. She must have decide to try to kill by biting its head off. After a few minutes she groaned and raised up. It must have bit her, because he reached into his pocket and got a muzzle for it. She grabbed it both hands while he put the muzzle on it

Then she laid back and spread her legs apart, to get a leg lock on it. He then got on the top of it and tried to kill that way. They must have killed because after a few minutes they let out a big sigh! Yep it was dead it was limp and had its guts hanging out.
They must have been happy because they started hugging and kissing again. But the eel wasn't dead. It must have 9 lives like a cat.

Well sis then sat on it trying to kill it. After about 35 more minutes of that it was finally dead. I knew it was dead this time because he took off the skin and threw it in the trash.

Mother fainted.

 

Pages: 1 … 3 4 5 6 7 … 38

Board footer

Privacy Policy - © 2025 Jeff Minard