BF2S Forums Best Worst Joke

Jim, Tim, and Bob died and went to Hell.
The Devil told them in a thousand years, he will torture them to the point of insanity.
But, until then each man would be granted one wish for one thousand years.
Jim said, "Alcohol!"
The Devil opened a door that lead a room stacked with cases of various alcohol.
"Yipee!" said Jim as he ran in.
Tim said, "I want chicks."
The Devil opened a second door that was filled with beutiful ladies.
"Whoooo!" ran in Tim.
The Devil asked, "and yours Bob?"
"I want cigarettes." said Bob.
Once again, the Devil opened a door that was filled with cigarette packs.

One thousand years passed.

The Devil opened the first door.
Jim crawled out sufficating from alcohol poisoning.
The Devil opened the second door.
Tim looked disgusted, annoyed, and tired by the millions of old grandmas and billions of babies crying.
The Devil opened the third door.
"Got a light?" asked Bob.



A guy buys a really high tech top of the line voice activated sound system for his car that contains virtually every song known to man and decides to show it off to a friend. The friend gets in the car and drives around while the guy tells him about his cool new sound system. unconvinced, the friend asks the car owner to prove it.

"Fine" the car owner said "Jazz"

Sure enough, the radio began playing jazz songs, still, the friend was unimpressed.

"Just to show you that this is up to date" the car owner says "Pop"

The radio starts blaring out the latest pop music and the friend is now quite impressed

"So it's up to date, but can it play old songs?"

The words hadn't left his mouth when songs from the 60's began playing on the radio. Now convinced, the two drove around some more, enjoying the new car stereo when a number of kids suddenly ran across the street in front of them. the driver swerved to avoid them, rolled down his window and yelled

"FUCKING KIDS!"

and the radio started playing.... michael jackson.


The night before a couple were about to be
married, they both were killed in a car
accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked
St. Peter if they could still get married.
The couple were called in to actually see God.

God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not
right now. It may be a few days or a few years,
but I will allow you to be married.'

Five years came and went and the couple were
finally call upon to get married. After one day
of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see
if they could get a divorce. They were sure the
marriage would not last.

God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get
a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much
longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"

The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy : "9"

Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy : "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think this boy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?"

The principal and the boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy : after a moment "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy : "Pockets."

Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy : "Coconut"

Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy : Bubblegum

Teacher : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy : Shake hands

Teacher : Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy : Yep.

Teacher : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy : Tent

Teacher : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy : Wedding Ring

Teacher : I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy : Nose

Teacher : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy : Arrow

Teacher : What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy : Firetruck

Teacher : What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy : Fork

Teacher : Arnold Swarzchenegger has a long one. Phillip J. Fry has a short one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one, but doesn't use it. What is it?
Boy : Surname.

Teacher : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy : Heart.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this boy to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"



Women are like water....





Both are used to make coffee...

Last edited by jkohlc (2006-06-26 00:44:11)

Yo mama so fat, she jumbs in the air, and get stuck.

Q.  What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the Batmobile?
A.  "Robin get in the car"


I totally just won :\

For all of you who missed this joke on the other thread which was closed due to professional derailing, here it is:

There was once a boy called Mark, he was just your ordinary 11 year old leading a normal life, in a normal school, with a normal family and normal friends. It comes to his birthday and his dad wants to get him something special, so he walks into Mark's room and asks him:

"Hi son, it's your 12th birthday, what do you want for your birthday."

"Hmm" the son ponders "I want a plastic parrot."

"Ok" says the dad and he goes out to the local novelty store and gets him a purple plastic parrot. Mark is really happy to get it. But after a day it mysteriously disappears. The father thinks "oh well, little boys will lose their toys, no big deal."

It comes to Mark's 13th birthday and his dad walks into this room.

"OK son, it's your 13th birthday, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Dad, I want 2 plastic parrots."

The dad is puzzled but he still goes out to the novelty store and gets him two plastic parrots. But after two days, both mysteriously disappear. His dad is getting worried, but he doesn't want to ruin his son's schooling so he doesn't say anything.

It comes to Mark's 14th birthday, and his dad goes to his room.

"So son, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Dad, I want a whole box full of plastic parrots."

"Why? Why so many plastic parrots?"

"Please dad, just get me those plastic parrots."

So his dad walks out to the novelty store and buys him a box full of plastic parrots. But after a week, the entire box full of plastic parrots plus the box mysteriously disappear. His dad wants to ask him what's going on, but he decided not to lest his son fails his exams.

It comes to Mark's 15th birthday and his dad wants to get him something special.

"So son, it's your 15th birthday, what would you like?"

"You know what I want dad."

"Not plastic parrots again. What about a bike? Or a computer? Or some computer games?"

"No dad, I just want plastic parrots. This time I want a whole room full of plastic parrots."

So his dad goes out to the novelty store and buys him a whole room full of plastic parrots. But after a month, the entire room full of plastic parrots mysteriously disappear. His dad is getting suspicious, how can a room full of plastic parrots just disappear? At this stage, he begins to lose sleep and his hair starts to fall out in frustration.

It comes to Mark's 16th birthday and his dad goes to his room.

Upon seeing his son's gaze he says "Not plastic parrots again son."

"Yes dad, this time I want a whole house full of plastic parrots."

"Why?"

"Please, just get them for me."

So his dad goes out to the novelty store and buys Mark a house full of plastic parrots. But after 2 months, the entire house full of plastic parrots mysteriously disappear.

It comes to Mark's 17th birthday and his dad walks into his room.

"Ok son, you're now 17. You've been having plastic parrots for the past 5 years, don't you want something else for your birthday?"


"No dad, I want plastic parrots again, this time I want a whole warehouse full of plastic parrots."

His dad sighs and he goes out to mortgage his home and buys his son a warehouse of plastic parrots. But after 4 months, the entire warehouse full of plastic parrots mysteriously disappear. His dad is deeply dismayed, but his son was preparing for his final exams so he left his son alone.

It comes to Mark's 18th birthday. His dad goes into his room and smiles.

"Son, you're 18 now, you should have great ideas and dreams. What do you want for your birthday?"

"Dad, I want a whole container ship full of plastic parrots."

His dad stops smiling. "Not again, please don't do this."

"Yes dad, please do it for me."

So his dad gets a second job, sells his assets and buys his son a container ship load of plastic parrots. But after 6 months the entire load of plastic parrots mysteriously disappear. This time, his dad had had enough. He decided he was going to find out once and for all what this thing with the plastic parrots was about. So he waited for his son to come home.

4pm

5pm

6pm and his son is still not home, and he's getting worried. Suddenly a phone call comes, and on the other end is a solemn voice.

"Is this Mark's dad, your son has been sent to hospital, he was in a car accident. Please come quick."

So he jumps into his car and races down to the hospital. When he arrives, he sees his son lying on a stretcher, the sheets were soaked with blood.

"Son what happened?"

"Sorry dad, I didn't look when crossing the road, and I got hit."

"Ok son, tell me please, what is it with the plastic parrots."

"Ok dad, just get me one more."

So his dad races to the local novelty store and buys his son one plastic parrot.

His son clutches the plastic parrot in his arms, tears streaming endlessly down his cheeks.

"OK son, are you ready? Tell me, what is it with the plastic parrots?"

His son takes in a deep breath.

"Ok dad, I'll tell you, they are..." and he dies.

Vub wrote:

For all of you who missed this joke on the other thread which was closed due to professional derailing, here it is:

There was once a boy...blabla

i think this is the winner

maybe get a sticky?

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

whats the best thing abotu fucking twenty-five year olds?

THERES 20 OF THEM!

Marconius wrote:

Sergeriver, what part of "Best Worst Joke" do you not understand?  These are supposed to be groaners, not normal political jokes.  As much as I like Bush jokes, keep 'em in the punny range.

Such as:

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"


What's black, white, black, white, and green?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

I thought they were bad.  Anyway, I'll open a thread of political jokes.  Sorry for the mistake dude.

Ajax_the_Great1 wrote:

I saw this on a Guico(sp) commercial like ten minutes ago.

"If ugliness was messured in bricks, you would be the great wall of China"

That's such an awesomely crappy joke that I love it. I love crappy jokes gone bad. I think Conan is the cause of that.

Anyone have anything better?

It's Geico.  lol.

ok, this one's long...sorry in advance

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.






The Moral of the Story: Don't stand up in a boat.