What do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
-An erection
Yes, one ticket to hell please
-An erection
Yes, one ticket to hell please
ive been told that before ^^^
but i dont get it lol
but i dont get it lol
Gary Glitter was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Gary Glitter asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "Fuck the children!"
Gary Glitter looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"
Gary Glitter asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "Fuck the children!"
Gary Glitter looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"
What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia.
Hypothermia.
Edna has been in a coma for a fortnight, and things don't look good. Her husband Walter is talking to the young doctor at the hospital, discussing what could be done for his dear wife. "Well" says the doctor, "there's one ray of hope. When one of the nurses was washing your wife this morning, the tip of the flannel touched her 'down there' and the nurse said she was sure that your wife responded. Perhaps if we left you two alone for a while, a little bit of oral sex might make a difference?" Walter reckons it's worth a try, so they put the screens round and the doctors and nurses retire to a discreet distance. When they return ten minutes later, they find old Walter in tears and his wife lifeless on the bed. "I think she must have choked."
What's the difference between Bananaman and Superman?
Ones a fruit and the others a vegetable.
Ones a fruit and the others a vegetable.
how do you get a elephant into a fridge
- Open the door and put it in
how do you get a lepard into a frig
-Open the door, take the elephant out and put it in
what runs faster, an elephant or a lepard
-elephant cause the lepard is still in teh fridge...
- Open the door and put it in
how do you get a lepard into a frig
-Open the door, take the elephant out and put it in
what runs faster, an elephant or a lepard
-elephant cause the lepard is still in teh fridge...
What do you call a ginger goth?
Duracell
Duracell
I went to the zoo.
There was only one dog there.
It was a shitzu.
There was only one dog there.
It was a shitzu.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you wank, is it because:
A. She is a prude
B. You don't know her well enough
C. You should have sat somewhere else on the bus
A. She is a prude
B. You don't know her well enough
C. You should have sat somewhere else on the bus
Little boy: Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl clean?
Mother: No, just flush it like everyone else.
Mother: No, just flush it like everyone else.
Here's a BF2 joke i made :
a boy finds a magic lamp <classic>
-geenie- I shall grant you 3 wishes
-boy- I wish for world peace
-geenie- ...done...<and there was peace all over the world>
-boy- My parents died in a plane accident, can you bring them back to life ?
-geenie- No problem...done...<and the boy's parents appeared before him alive and well>
-boy- Hmmm...and i wish for a good Battlefield2 patch
-geenie- Whoa, whoa, easy kid !
I only do wishes NOT MIRACLES !
a boy finds a magic lamp <classic>
-geenie- I shall grant you 3 wishes
-boy- I wish for world peace
-geenie- ...done...<and there was peace all over the world>
-boy- My parents died in a plane accident, can you bring them back to life ?
-geenie- No problem...done...<and the boy's parents appeared before him alive and well>
-boy- Hmmm...and i wish for a good Battlefield2 patch
-geenie- Whoa, whoa, easy kid !
I only do wishes NOT MIRACLES !
DIRTY ONE:
what is blue and doesnt like sex................
a rape victim.
sorry in advance to anyone this offends
and also
two men are sittin in a bar full of hot chicks and one man goes to the other "i could pull anyone of those girls tonight" and the other man goes "oh yh how will u manage that?" and the other man replies "im a rapist"
sorry again in advance to anyone this offends
what is blue and doesnt like sex................
a rape victim.
sorry in advance to anyone this offends
and also
two men are sittin in a bar full of hot chicks and one man goes to the other "i could pull anyone of those girls tonight" and the other man goes "oh yh how will u manage that?" and the other man replies "im a rapist"
sorry again in advance to anyone this offends
"One one-way ticket to hell please..."
Ernie: Bert, bert! there is a banana in my ear.
Bert: Ernie thats my dick.
(Bert and Ernie of sesamestreet http://www.bertisevil.tv/img/bert-ernie-duckie.jpg)
Bert: Ernie thats my dick.
(Bert and Ernie of sesamestreet http://www.bertisevil.tv/img/bert-ernie-duckie.jpg)
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes
across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He
gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot
only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.
As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the
elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the
man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him.
For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else
but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that
day.
Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks
over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man
can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the
enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and
swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He
gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot
only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.
As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the
elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the
man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him.
For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else
but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that
day.
Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks
over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man
can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the
enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and
swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
Situational Awareness
SCENARIO:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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ANSWER:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.
SCENARIO:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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ANSWER:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.
Last, but not least.....
Bunnies and things...............
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
onher level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there ?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers .
" I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk"
Bunnies and things...............
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
onher level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there ?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers .
" I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk"
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Jesus walks into a pub, gives the landlord three nails and says
'Can you put me up for the night?'
'Can you put me up for the night?'
Now that's getting a one-way ticket to hell!nev wrote:
Jesus walks into a pub, gives the landlord three nails and says
'Can you put me up for the night?'
lol
What does Michae Jackson and Shamu have in common??
they both let kids touch their blow holes
they both let kids touch their blow holes
What does Michael Jackson and Plastic Bags have in common??
They are both plastic and are harmful to children
They are both plastic and are harmful to children
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Heard that one
oh and heres the original.
how do you put an elephant in the fridge?
open the door, put the elephant in and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in and close the door.
The lion King is holding an animal conferance where every animal attends, but one. Which one?
The giraffe, its in the fridge.
You need to cross a crocodile infested river. How do you get across?
You swim, the crocodiles are at the animal conferance.
LOL
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Heard that one
oh and heres the original.
how do you put an elephant in the fridge?
open the door, put the elephant in and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in and close the door.
The lion King is holding an animal conferance where every animal attends, but one. Which one?
The giraffe, its in the fridge.
You need to cross a crocodile infested river. How do you get across?
You swim, the crocodiles are at the animal conferance.
LOL