And baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
You're eleven.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
You're eleven.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
Credit to That Man
Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
Credit to That Man
I said to my wife in bed - "Give me a Chilean Miner!" She said - "What's that?"
I said - "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!"
I said - "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!"
What's the difference between people in Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones.
People in Abu Dhabi doo!!
People in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones.
People in Abu Dhabi doo!!
a couple's in the bedroom, talking.
she: - all men are alike, you only need sex!
he: - right... and women?
she: - and women also need attention.
he, after a pause: - ATTENTION!!! we gonna have sex now!
she: - all men are alike, you only need sex!
he: - right... and women?
she: - and women also need attention.
he, after a pause: - ATTENTION!!! we gonna have sex now!
if you open your mind too much your brain will fall out.
Yo momma so fat, the government knows where she is just by looking at the Richter scale
hi
Hi(larious)=NHB=Shadow wrote:
hi
Whats Stevie Wonders favorite colour?
Velcro.
Velcro.
My wife: "You're too recklessly impulsive."
Me: "Don't be absurd!"
My yak: "Chomp chomp."
Me: "Don't be absurd!"
My yak: "Chomp chomp."
I Friggin Love The Nhs
A bear walks into a bar and addresses the bartender, who walks over and asks the bear what he'll have to drink.
The bear says, "I'll have a rum and..........................coke."
The bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause?"
And the bear says, "I've had them all my life."
A blonde walks into a bar, and then another blonde walks into the same bar. The first blonde says "You didn't see it either?!"
One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in
the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the watertrap. But just before it falls into
the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish
is falling back down to the water, and eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies off, and when it is over the green,
a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and hits the eagle. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to
the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we won't
bring you next time."
why did the farmer get an award?
for being outstanding in his field
noice 
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do, to live without fear and forget regrets. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible..
No wait....sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that.
Never mind.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do, to live without fear and forget regrets. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible..
No wait....sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that.
Never mind.
A girlfriend says to her boyfriend, "You know bulls can have sex every single day? That's 365 times a year!" the boyfriend responds with "Yeah, that's all fine and good, but I bet he doesn't have to sleep with the same cow every time."
Finray wrote:
A girlfriend says to her boyfriend, "You know bulls can have sex every single day? That's 365 times a year!" the boyfriend responds with "Yeah, that's all fine and good, but I bet he doesn't have to sleep with the same cow every time."
Your thoughts, insights, and musings on this matter intrigue me
THE GOLFING NUN.........
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plonked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted the Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f#####g putt, didn't you?'
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plonked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted the Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f#####g putt, didn't you?'
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiicee.Karbin wrote:
THE GOLFING NUN.........
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plonked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted the Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f#####g putt, didn't you?'
Went down to the dole office this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, has fathered at least 20 kids,can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, has fathered at least 20 kids,can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Win.PrivateVendetta wrote:
Went down to the dole office this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, has fathered at least 20 kids,can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"
The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."
The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"
The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"
The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
The driver answered, "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"
The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.
The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"
The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."
The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"
The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"
The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
The driver answered, "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"
The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.
The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"
for a fatty you're a serious intellectual lightweight.
Win, epic win. I'm writing that down for future reference. ;P
Make X-meds a full member, for the sake of 15 year old anal gangbang porn watchers everywhere!
So was that a request to be banned?التعريفات wrote:
http://forums.bf2s.com/viewtopic.php?id=95638