Karma for that.-Sh1fty- wrote:
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
This whole gunman thing in Rothbury isn't even Raoul-Moatley funny
Dear Raoul Moat.
I understand what you were going through, that you felt wronged by your ex and by the police.
And to be honest mate if the police were threatening to send in Gazza with a kebab and a 6 pack, I'd pull the trigger too.
Lots of Love and see you soon,
Derrick Bird.
------------
apparently raoul had blue eyes
one blue this way the other blew that way
I understand what you were going through, that you felt wronged by your ex and by the police.
And to be honest mate if the police were threatening to send in Gazza with a kebab and a 6 pack, I'd pull the trigger too.
Lots of Love and see you soon,
Derrick Bird.
------------
apparently raoul had blue eyes
one blue this way the other blew that way
I Friggin Love The Nhs
Most people were hoping that Raoul Moat was going to hold out for another week, the reward would have gone up the £20,000 because it would have been a Raoul over.
Last edited by paranoid101 (2010-07-10 10:47:14)
A woman asks her programmer husband to go to the shops for her. She says to him "Honey, could you go to the shop and get bread? And if they have eggs, buy six."
The husband goes out and comes back 10 minutes later with 6 loaves of bread. The wife asks "Dear, why did you buy 6 loafs of bread?" to which the husband replies "They had eggs."
The husband goes out and comes back 10 minutes later with 6 loaves of bread. The wife asks "Dear, why did you buy 6 loafs of bread?" to which the husband replies "They had eggs."
Bob: Being a vetrinarean has its perks.
Stewart: Are you kidding? Long workdays, sweaty animals, we havent even been able to eat for six hours!
Lady: Doctor, my pet lobster fought my pet crab and I dont think they'll make it through the night!
Steawrt (To Bob): I told you so.
Stewart: Are you kidding? Long workdays, sweaty animals, we havent even been able to eat for six hours!
Lady: Doctor, my pet lobster fought my pet crab and I dont think they'll make it through the night!
Steawrt (To Bob): I told you so.
This needs to be moved or deleted, its ended up in the wrong section.pace51 wrote:
Bob: Being a vetrinarean has its perks.
Stewart: Are you kidding? Long workdays, sweaty animals, we havent even been able to eat for six hours!
Lady: Doctor, my pet lobster fought my pet crab and I dont think they'll make it through the night!
Steawrt (To Bob): I told you so.
I think pace might have made it up, hence why it's not funny.1927 wrote:
This needs to be moved or deleted, its ended up in the wrong section.pace51 wrote:
Bob: Being a vetrinarean has its perks.
Stewart: Are you kidding? Long workdays, sweaty animals, we havent even been able to eat for six hours!
Lady: Doctor, my pet lobster fought my pet crab and I dont think they'll make it through the night!
Steawrt (To Bob): I told you so.
What's 12 inches long and makes girls scream
Spoiler (highlight to read):
Cockdeath
Why could David Cameron never join the Green Party
Spoiler (highlight to read):
Because his vegetables keep dying
Sorry in advance.
Spoiler (highlight to read):
Cockdeath
Why could David Cameron never join the Green Party
Spoiler (highlight to read):
Because his vegetables keep dying
Sorry in advance.
A young boy becomes lost in a large supermarket. Starting to panic, he approaches a security guard and says "I've lost my daddie!"
"What's he like?" asks the guard.
The boy replies "beer, and women with big boobs."
"What's he like?" asks the guard.
The boy replies "beer, and women with big boobs."
Русский военный корабль, иди на хуй!
A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied.
The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!"
The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
------------------------------------------------
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!""
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied.
The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!"
The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
------------------------------------------------
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!""
I Friggin Love The Nhs
Little timmys mom always told him to start small and then develop his ideas. For example, before writing a paper, he'd write a paragraph, or before ading 8+9, he'd add 1+2.
One day, Timmys teacher asked him to write a letter to a politician. Timmy thought the prospect was daunting, and then his mom told him to remember what she'd always told him. So he wrote to a hot air balloon first.
One day, Timmys teacher asked him to write a letter to a politician. Timmy thought the prospect was daunting, and then his mom told him to remember what she'd always told him. So he wrote to a hot air balloon first.
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...
... and stuck my cock in her mouth.
Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...
... and stuck my cock in her mouth.
I Friggin Love The Nhs
A man went to a pawn shop to see if the owner could help him identify the makes of his three vases. The owner put on his glases and got to work. He asked the man which one he should look at first. "The one with the Chinese symbols" replied the man. "Ahhh, ming dynasty vase, pure jade" said the pawn shop owner. " This is most definitely chinese". "What about the white porcelain ones?" said the man. "Hmmm, made by an english company in Ceylon" said the pawn shop owner. Now the man showed him the last vase. It had a curious pattern on it. It was very wide around the middle, one handle was blue, the other white, and the inside was red. On the middle was a strange symbol. On top was a brown semicircle with white dots on it. Then, a green painted leaf. After that cam a brown thing, some blotchy red, and another semicirlce completing the object. "What make is this?", said the man. The shopkeeper looked very closely at it, and after three minutes, replied : American.
Brought a dog from a blacksmith earlier. As soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door!
hehehehe i like this, nice one KezKez wrote:
Brought a dog from a blacksmith earlier. As soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door!
How is this even remotely funny? Did you make that up yourself? It makes no sense.pace51 wrote:
A man went to a pawn shop to see if the owner could help him identify the makes of his three vases. The owner put on his glases and got to work. He asked the man which one he should look at first. "The one with the Chinese symbols" replied the man. "Ahhh, ming dynasty vase, pure jade" said the pawn shop owner. " This is most definitely chinese". "What about the white porcelain ones?" said the man. "Hmmm, made by an english company in Ceylon" said the pawn shop owner. Now the man showed him the last vase. It had a curious pattern on it. It was very wide around the middle, one handle was blue, the other white, and the inside was red. On the middle was a strange symbol. On top was a brown semicircle with white dots on it. Then, a green painted leaf. After that cam a brown thing, some blotchy red, and another semicirlce completing the object. "What make is this?", said the man. The shopkeeper looked very closely at it, and after three minutes, replied : American.
I'm glad it wasn't just me who didn't find it funny. I read it 4 times and still didn't understand it.CammRobb wrote:
How is this even remotely funny? Did you make that up yourself? It makes no sense.pace51 wrote:
A man went to a pawn shop to see if the owner could help him identify the makes of his three vases. The owner put on his glases and got to work. He asked the man which one he should look at first. "The one with the Chinese symbols" replied the man. "Ahhh, ming dynasty vase, pure jade" said the pawn shop owner. " This is most definitely chinese". "What about the white porcelain ones?" said the man. "Hmmm, made by an english company in Ceylon" said the pawn shop owner. Now the man showed him the last vase. It had a curious pattern on it. It was very wide around the middle, one handle was blue, the other white, and the inside was red. On the middle was a strange symbol. On top was a brown semicircle with white dots on it. Then, a green painted leaf. After that cam a brown thing, some blotchy red, and another semicirlce completing the object. "What make is this?", said the man. The shopkeeper looked very closely at it, and after three minutes, replied : American.
I skimmed it the first time I saw it then ignored it. Just read it there and thought what a load of bollocks.JakAttaK wrote:
I'm glad it wasn't just me who didn't find it funny. I read it 4 times and still didn't understand it.CammRobb wrote:
How is this even remotely funny? Did you make that up yourself? It makes no sense.pace51 wrote:
A man went to a pawn shop to see if the owner could help him identify the makes of his three vases. The owner put on his glases and got to work. He asked the man which one he should look at first. "The one with the Chinese symbols" replied the man. "Ahhh, ming dynasty vase, pure jade" said the pawn shop owner. " This is most definitely chinese". "What about the white porcelain ones?" said the man. "Hmmm, made by an english company in Ceylon" said the pawn shop owner. Now the man showed him the last vase. It had a curious pattern on it. It was very wide around the middle, one handle was blue, the other white, and the inside was red. On the middle was a strange symbol. On top was a brown semicircle with white dots on it. Then, a green painted leaf. After that cam a brown thing, some blotchy red, and another semicirlce completing the object. "What make is this?", said the man. The shopkeeper looked very closely at it, and after three minutes, replied : American.
Someone should have a serious word with him and make him and Dilbert (going off the 'joke' below this) delete these unfunny stories; look at the thread title Pace and friend. We can then delete our comments
Last edited by 1927 (2010-07-20 06:56:09)
Last edited by Dilbert_X (2010-07-24 06:52:27)
Русский военный корабль, иди на хуй!
What's the difference between a vuvuzela and a woman?
One constantly produces an deafening and annoying sound that gets on your nerves, The other one is a plastic horn.
One constantly produces an deafening and annoying sound that gets on your nerves, The other one is a plastic horn.
Fernando Alonso walked into a library and asked if they had any books on winning races in red cars.
The librarian replied, "Certainly sir, just wait there and I'll gift wrap it for you."
The librarian replied, "Certainly sir, just wait there and I'll gift wrap it for you."
I Friggin Love The Nhs
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.
F1 joke?jay_courage wrote:
Fernando Alonso walked into a library and asked if they had any books on winning races in red cars.
The librarian replied, "Certainly sir, just wait there and I'll gift wrap it for you."
I don't get it
Your thoughts, insights, and musings on this matter intrigue me