Lately ive been having more frequent instances of feeling useless.
I don't mean to sound like some emo faggot, believe me, i love life, and i understand that its very precious and you only have a limited time here. -But i think thats causing me to feel worse.
I have psycological problems. My mind causes me to fear irrational things and prevents me from doing anything. Heres my story.
Back in the year 2007 i was a normal kid. I was 15/16, i enjoyed my sport of bmx, anxiety never crossed my mind. I would go places, have fun, do anything that sounded cool. I miss those days.
My memory of events isn't totally clear because i never kept a timeline but anyways its something like this:
In like march of 2008 i had a cold or some shit, didn't feel good, was probably dehydrated. I got up and came out into my livingroom to see my dad, and i suddenly felt nausious and went to my back deck door cause i wanted fresh air and boom passed out. It was scary as hell, i remember laying there and my step mom calling an ambulance and my dad talking to me. I thought i was dying or something. Went to the hospital, nothing was wrong. My blood pressure was low and i passed out. Not uncommon.
Things changed from that point on, but not immediatly...
Something else was bothering me too, i had de-realization problems. (basically i had episodes lasting around a minute where i felt as if i was in a movie. things just carried on around me but it was like i was controlling myself through a game or something, do a search for more information)
I honestly cannot recall if this problem occured before or after the passing out. I believe it was both actually. Im almost sure of it.
Anyways, i had scans and shit done and nothing was wrong with me. I was purely just being a hypcondriac. There was no medical reasoning for my derealization so i decided i would just deal with it.
How do these things related to one another? Im not sure they do.
Sometime in...... im going to guess JUNE of 2008, i was watching a movie with my girlfriend and step mom/dad. Everything was totally normal but suddenly i felt like i couldn't catch my breath. Like i was hyperventilating a very little bit. I got a paper bag and breathed into that and eventually it get better. It was slightly embarrasing, but this seemingly small instance was a huge turning point in my life. At that point i became worried about random medical problems occuring in inconvenient places. A form of Agoraphobia.
On that day, in that instance i lost all my desire to "live it up". I no longer wanted to go to places that i was not comfortable at. Places that i was comfortable at included my house and my work. I believe i lost my desire for adventure because i feared a random medical problem would occur in a public place, causing a scene and requiring an ambulance. For example: I didn't want to go to the mall because "What if i suddenly feel like i cant catch my breath again", or "What if i have a panic attack, or pass out".
Keep in mind nothing bad ever actually happened in public.
This slowly got better. I would bmx still because i was comfortable mentally at the skatepark.
So for a long time i was battling with agoraphobia, which eventually got better and my mental problems subsided for the most part.
Ever since that one weird day with the breathing into a bag thing, i became VERY prone to... developing... irrational fears and mental problems.
Now the next event i also believe is caused by, you guessed it, anxiety.
My mom was very sick, she died from cancer.
It was after the funural and burial, i was laying in bed, and i randomly and suddenly felt air hungry like i couldnt breath in a deep breath. This caused me to hyperventalate and feel light headed. I called my dad into my room and he talked to me and calmed me down, once i got my mind off the breathing, the problem went away - perfect evidence it was completely mental.
NOW i was prone to this 'breathing problem'. Of coarse it wouldn't just go away. For the next week in a half i battled with this breathing problem. I felt like i had to take a deep breath every other minute and sometimes i couldnt. Turns out this is an instance of hyperventilation syndrome due to anxiety.
This happened last month, it has mostly gone away because i read up on it and was sure it was JUST an anxiety related thing.
But now anytime i feel my heart beating hard, or anytime i do something that i feel is over the top, i worry that i will start having the breathing episode. Its rediculous, and im fully aware that im now a bitch to my irrational mental fears.
I can't help it though. Anytime something new happens, it gets instantly added to my "What if THIS happens in a public place"
So basically.
I can't exert a lot of energy (running, bmxing, pushing my body to the limit) because i fear i wont be able to catch my breath - EVEN THOUGH I STILL DO THESE THINGS SOMETIMES AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENS.
I can't go to a club or social place because i fear ill have any number of the previously mentioned attacks - EVEN THOUGH IF I TRIED I WONT
I can't get a ride someplace because i feel stuck there. I have to have my car incase i need to leave said social area - EVEN THOUGH NOTHING BAD HAS EVER HAPPENED.
Listed above in caps lock is the rational part of me telling myself to stop being afraid and to live my life.
What do i do? I cannot keep living like this. I want to get my sense of adventure back. Keep in mind also, and this is important: the longer i go without a problem happening, the more free i feel. However my brain always manages to screw me over after a while of happyness by created something new to worry about.
Oh and also last night i had a random spell of dizzyness. Felt like a punch in the chest combined with vertigo. It only lasted about 1 second. This will now be my new thing to worry about. It also happened today at work. Right now as i type this i feel like im just waiting for it to happen again.
I just want to take time to point out, that while all these cases of shitty things seem real bad, i feel they are ALL made up. None of them are physical pain.
Has anyone else experienced an instance where your anxiety creates problems which create anxiety which creates problems. Its a stupid irrational fucking circle of self-screwing.
Anyways, i feel like im wasting my life because im not doing fun things with friends. And im certain eventually my girlfriend will become sick of me not wanting to 'do anything'.
Its not that i dont have friends. I could call up my buddy and go chill with him. But i dont want to. Why dont i want to? Idk, probly because i think something might happen thats out of my control like a dizzy spell.
Serious answers only please. I feel like maybe i should force myself to accept that theres nothing wrong by breaking my boundries ive set for myself. But its easier said than done.
Thanks for reading.
I don't mean to sound like some emo faggot, believe me, i love life, and i understand that its very precious and you only have a limited time here. -But i think thats causing me to feel worse.
I have psycological problems. My mind causes me to fear irrational things and prevents me from doing anything. Heres my story.
Back in the year 2007 i was a normal kid. I was 15/16, i enjoyed my sport of bmx, anxiety never crossed my mind. I would go places, have fun, do anything that sounded cool. I miss those days.
My memory of events isn't totally clear because i never kept a timeline but anyways its something like this:
In like march of 2008 i had a cold or some shit, didn't feel good, was probably dehydrated. I got up and came out into my livingroom to see my dad, and i suddenly felt nausious and went to my back deck door cause i wanted fresh air and boom passed out. It was scary as hell, i remember laying there and my step mom calling an ambulance and my dad talking to me. I thought i was dying or something. Went to the hospital, nothing was wrong. My blood pressure was low and i passed out. Not uncommon.
Things changed from that point on, but not immediatly...
Something else was bothering me too, i had de-realization problems. (basically i had episodes lasting around a minute where i felt as if i was in a movie. things just carried on around me but it was like i was controlling myself through a game or something, do a search for more information)
I honestly cannot recall if this problem occured before or after the passing out. I believe it was both actually. Im almost sure of it.
Anyways, i had scans and shit done and nothing was wrong with me. I was purely just being a hypcondriac. There was no medical reasoning for my derealization so i decided i would just deal with it.
How do these things related to one another? Im not sure they do.
Sometime in...... im going to guess JUNE of 2008, i was watching a movie with my girlfriend and step mom/dad. Everything was totally normal but suddenly i felt like i couldn't catch my breath. Like i was hyperventilating a very little bit. I got a paper bag and breathed into that and eventually it get better. It was slightly embarrasing, but this seemingly small instance was a huge turning point in my life. At that point i became worried about random medical problems occuring in inconvenient places. A form of Agoraphobia.
On that day, in that instance i lost all my desire to "live it up". I no longer wanted to go to places that i was not comfortable at. Places that i was comfortable at included my house and my work. I believe i lost my desire for adventure because i feared a random medical problem would occur in a public place, causing a scene and requiring an ambulance. For example: I didn't want to go to the mall because "What if i suddenly feel like i cant catch my breath again", or "What if i have a panic attack, or pass out".
Keep in mind nothing bad ever actually happened in public.
This slowly got better. I would bmx still because i was comfortable mentally at the skatepark.
So for a long time i was battling with agoraphobia, which eventually got better and my mental problems subsided for the most part.
Ever since that one weird day with the breathing into a bag thing, i became VERY prone to... developing... irrational fears and mental problems.
Now the next event i also believe is caused by, you guessed it, anxiety.
My mom was very sick, she died from cancer.
It was after the funural and burial, i was laying in bed, and i randomly and suddenly felt air hungry like i couldnt breath in a deep breath. This caused me to hyperventalate and feel light headed. I called my dad into my room and he talked to me and calmed me down, once i got my mind off the breathing, the problem went away - perfect evidence it was completely mental.
NOW i was prone to this 'breathing problem'. Of coarse it wouldn't just go away. For the next week in a half i battled with this breathing problem. I felt like i had to take a deep breath every other minute and sometimes i couldnt. Turns out this is an instance of hyperventilation syndrome due to anxiety.
This happened last month, it has mostly gone away because i read up on it and was sure it was JUST an anxiety related thing.
But now anytime i feel my heart beating hard, or anytime i do something that i feel is over the top, i worry that i will start having the breathing episode. Its rediculous, and im fully aware that im now a bitch to my irrational mental fears.
I can't help it though. Anytime something new happens, it gets instantly added to my "What if THIS happens in a public place"
So basically.
I can't exert a lot of energy (running, bmxing, pushing my body to the limit) because i fear i wont be able to catch my breath - EVEN THOUGH I STILL DO THESE THINGS SOMETIMES AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENS.
I can't go to a club or social place because i fear ill have any number of the previously mentioned attacks - EVEN THOUGH IF I TRIED I WONT
I can't get a ride someplace because i feel stuck there. I have to have my car incase i need to leave said social area - EVEN THOUGH NOTHING BAD HAS EVER HAPPENED.
Listed above in caps lock is the rational part of me telling myself to stop being afraid and to live my life.
What do i do? I cannot keep living like this. I want to get my sense of adventure back. Keep in mind also, and this is important: the longer i go without a problem happening, the more free i feel. However my brain always manages to screw me over after a while of happyness by created something new to worry about.
Oh and also last night i had a random spell of dizzyness. Felt like a punch in the chest combined with vertigo. It only lasted about 1 second. This will now be my new thing to worry about. It also happened today at work. Right now as i type this i feel like im just waiting for it to happen again.
I just want to take time to point out, that while all these cases of shitty things seem real bad, i feel they are ALL made up. None of them are physical pain.
Has anyone else experienced an instance where your anxiety creates problems which create anxiety which creates problems. Its a stupid irrational fucking circle of self-screwing.
Anyways, i feel like im wasting my life because im not doing fun things with friends. And im certain eventually my girlfriend will become sick of me not wanting to 'do anything'.
Its not that i dont have friends. I could call up my buddy and go chill with him. But i dont want to. Why dont i want to? Idk, probly because i think something might happen thats out of my control like a dizzy spell.
Serious answers only please. I feel like maybe i should force myself to accept that theres nothing wrong by breaking my boundries ive set for myself. But its easier said than done.
Thanks for reading.
Last edited by Mitch (2010-02-12 16:28:15)
15 more years! 15 more years!
