Zimmer wrote:
(...) What do I do? Do I communicate or do I simply never reply. The general consensus from all my girl friends is I never reply, because she wants to hold on and doesn't know how to do it, so she's just toying with the idea. I don't know though, I feel like a right douchebag doing this,..
I had something a bit similar, even if not precisely similar. Initially it was me trying to salvage the friendship, not just for our sake, but also our mutual friends caught in a crossfire I had never wanted in the first place. I called her on her birthday, try to connect to her during lunch like we had for the past years etc. The girl's efforts were limited to talking to me only through said friends and literally handing me my 'orders' on a carefully-handwritten notes.
I severed all contact, avoided her and most of our mutual friends whenever I could (if she wanted them that bad, she could have them, I didn't care anymore anyway). This quite upset her and her 'lieutenant', who actually was partially responsible for us falling out. I send her an email, asking to meet her in person. It took an outburst of my second -who is otherwise always cheerfull, calm an positive- for her to finally agree to have a cup of tea with me. I basically surrendered completely, asking her opinion and hers alone and set aside whatever I felt. She wouldn't give an inch and simply denied some of the stuff that had happened or people had said and done. I told her she'd know where to find me if needed and never saw her again. I quit sending X-mas cards, calling on her birthday, though my second still keeps an eye on her for me, in case the girl gets herself in some kind of trouble.
Meanwhile her 'lieutenant' still sends me messages once every few months to see how I am doing. I know from my second that the Lt. has said she felt really sorry at least for her part, but she evidently won't express that to me in person. I always though the Lt. was well,.. a bit immature, but I felt sorry for her, so I took her into the group. After the events preceding the above, I just don't want to know about her. Yet, I reply to her messages friendly and inform how she is doing. She means well, there is no point upsetting her; I'll manage some feigned friendship once every few months.
This is also the point where I'll have to disagree with Hurri. These girls aren't 'bitchin' and they aren't 'toying' with you either. They are completely ignorant of their own failures and if they are they are so only unconsciously, rather projecting their unconsciously observed mistakes on others than accept them to be theirs. The reason they'll keep in touch on a very 'friendly' basis, while dismissing your attempts as 'weird' is because they are so ignorant of their own role (while being very aware of yours). They simply do not see why this platonic friendship could not work. If they have a little more witt they will probably feel sorry for you. If they are a bit more aware of their own mortality they will also feel sorry about their conduct, even remorse. However, even genuine remorse does not enable them to transcend the boundaries of their own safe world. The only way they can express remorse, regret, is by trying to maintain a superficial friendship with the other party, regardless of whether they are actually interested in such a friendship or whether the other party is receptive to putting salt in the wounds. This is due partially to ignorance, but also to the fact that it is the only way for them to calm their conscience. This is however not selfish, as again, they are completely oblivious to any negative effects this may have on anyone else.
In summary, they mean well, and thus can't really be blamed,.. which is immensely frustrating. You'll notice that as time passes, your X-mas cards and birthday calls will stop as will their interference with your life. In the meantime and afterwards whenever the occasion demands it, you'll reply to them reactively, but also courteously as you always have.
