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2009-07-24 16:05:56
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6862

Fuck dude, I really thought that would be most of it behind you.

I'd say give the email a shot. You shouldn't have to put up with this from her, but you can probably suck up hanging around with him a few times if it means he's more on your side about it. It does sound like he'll probably just brush you off, but it's worth a try. I don't know man, I'd never put this much effort into a girl that caused me so much pain, but you're in love and unfortunately that makes you suffer these things out to the end.

Maybe you just need to be blunt with her. Say everything you're saying on here to her - I don't know if you are or not - and tell her that you can't take being second best and that you can only put up with being unhappy in the relationship for so long. I think - *Disclaimer* that doesn't mean you should necessarily do - that perhaps a wake up call that you will walk out on her if this isn't resolved is what she needs. Previously she's the one calling the shots, and knows that you'll take her back in a heartbeat. The other way around it's suddenly a little more uncertain for her.
2009-07-24 16:14:15
Zimmer
Un Moderador
+1,688|6969|Scotland

I would try my utmost hardest to find out where he lives. Is there no way you can find out?
Yellow pages? Haha.

Well, I personally think an email is a bit.... Hm.... Stupid? I know, wrong words, but it's like sending a secret message to someone you like or something. It just cannot resolve anything, but if you think it'll work or could do some damage then go ahead. I just don't see that option coming to anything good.
2009-07-24 16:33:02
bennisboy
Member
+829|6859|Poundland
That shit is fucked up!
1. He dislikes you - for me that is a definite sign he fancies here, above and beyond the rest. You dont dislike a friends other half without meeting them unless you like said "friend"

2. I would not stand for her staying at his for a week. I know you say she doesnt like him, but no one goes and stays at someone's house of the opposite sex for a week unless they are patly interested.

3. Him being a safety blanket is hugely fucked up, girls are attracted to guys theat make them feel safe, and by always going to him its gonna build a bit of attraction, which sounds like it might already be there. The worst bit is she isnt even giving you a chance to show you can protect her!

4. Stop being so selfless, tell her to stop jus thinking about herself for once, she's putting you through absolute shit and she's massively leading the guy on. I know what that's like cos it happened to me for almost a year until she broke up with her bf. Seriously, she cant jus do what she wants to make her feel fine while fucking up everyone else.
2009-07-24 16:35:29
KEN-JENNINGS
I am all that is MOD!
+2,978|6844|949

If I were you I'd be totally frank with Ginger creepo.  You don't have to be angry in-your-face threatening.  I mean, it seems obvious that you care enough about this girl to let her go and do things that royally piss you off (and would piss anyone in your position off).  But if you can explain to him how much you care about her well-being and let him know that as much as their friendship bothers you that you are willing to let it continue for the benefit of your girlfriend's peace of mind maybe you'll make some headway.  Then creepo either bullshits your gf about what you say, in which case you can have full documentation, or he accepts that you honestly do care about her and is perhaps willing to either give you space or embrace your and her relationship.  It will be obvious to you (and hopefully to her) whether or not this guy cares more about the well-being of your girlfriend or about getting his infintesimal weiner wet.
2009-07-24 16:36:33
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683

Zimmer wrote:

I would try my utmost hardest to find out where he lives. Is there no way you can find out?
Yellow pages? Haha.

Well, I personally think an email is a bit.... Hm.... Stupid? I know, wrong words, but it's like sending a secret message to someone you like or something. It just cannot resolve anything, but if you think it'll work or could do some damage then go ahead. I just don't see that option coming to anything good.
The email would be more of a way to see things eye-to-eye with him; we have barely spoken during the entire time that me and Kate have been together, and it just feels like bad air is brewing between us for the sake of it. If he has her best interests at heart, then a message to him basically saying "Look buddy, I have the best intentions and care for her too, give us some space and time for ourselves so we can sort things out, and ultimately make your best-friend-for-life happy, ok?" may be able to just sort things out. It may sound like a long-shot, I know, but hey what else do I have? If he genuinely does care for her and wants the best for her, then he should respect my wishes for him to /shoo so that we can repair our relationship, instead of just selfishly tugging for her to live for the odd weekend visit to him, because she won't be happy in life if that is all she has to cling onto for the next year of her life. I suppose I could presume that he is nothing but a best friend looking out for her, and reason with him that I have the same good intentions, and thus he needs to back off a little and think a little less of their friendship and a little more about her overall happiness.

Also, Kate proposes going to stay with him for the week starting on the 4th August - when he moves in, and that's way too fucking soon for my liking. To get things between me and her back to good, and for me and her to have the good times that we promised each other, we need some actual fucking time. She's been home for the entire last week, and now he wants her to go stay with him in another week's time? Fuck off! I'd like to try and (pleasantly) cancel that arrangement, if I can.

Confronting him, threatening him, intimidating him and/or actually fucking with him would be equal to doing all of the aforementioned to her brother. Whether I like their closeness or not, I definitely cannot fuck with that. I will be booted out of my own door quicker than anything, and after all the grief and upset, I'm definitely not going to kick my own ass just because of some macho 'Get the fuck off my patch' stuff. I'm better than that, I can persevere and prove to Kate that I'm really the better guy, and that he needs to fix his ass up.
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
2009-07-24 16:39:46
Hurricane2k9
Pendulous Sweaty Balls
+1,538|5914|College Park, MD
Be honest with her, if she can't take honesty then forget her. I completely feel for you dude because I was in a similar situation. I was interested in a girl, she was interested in me, and while we were attempting something she'd also be spending a /lot/ of time with two other guys (who are also my friends, or at least one is). She used the "we're just really good friends" line but ultimately I found out she was interested in one of my friends. We had a falling out then made up and now we're back to being good friends. Lack of honesty is what makes relationships and marriages go sour. Now obviously that doesn't mean don't be tactful.

BF2s, how do I know when to kiss a girl? Do you just sorta 'know' it? Also, is it lame to ask a girl if you can put your arm around her? I'd do it but I know she's not always receptive to physical contact (cos of some bad experiences with other men before). She doesn't mind hugging me, which makes me think she wouldn't mind the arm, but what say ye?
https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/36793/marylandsig.jpg
2009-07-24 16:43:40
13/f/taiwan
Member
+940|5911
Give her a good ol' foot massage hurri.

2009-07-24 16:55:03
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683
Thanks for the advice, yet again...

Yeah, bennis, it's fucked up. 'Normal' girls would be harbouring a semi-attraction, I know, and would normally have alarm bells ringing too... but with this, it's purely psychological. He's seen her through near-suicidal times and has always stuck by her through thick and thin; she wants to run to him and stay with him for the week when life is tough because that's the equivalent of burying her head underneath a blanket and ignoring the world's problems.

I'm going to send him a message, basically saying that we need time and space to restore our relationship and be happy. I'll assert that if he cares about her, respects her and wants the best for her, then he'll put his eager 'Yay I have my love-desire-friendship back again!' motive on the shelf and will stop proposing that she goes and stays with him and hangs out. I'll reason and bargain with him, anything to bullshit and get him out of the way for now. If I make out that their friendship can flourish when I know him and I'm on the same page as him - after our relationship is patched up, of course - then maybe he'll leave us the fuck alone for a few weeks to just be and work things out. As it stands right now, her leaving every other week for his distraction keeps putting me back at square one on this fucking unfair boardgame.

Should I feel bad about messaging him? I'm not sure she will approve, but fuck it, what can I do? Is it wrong or indecent to message your girlfriend's best-friend, basically asking him to back off and leave her alone for a bit, so that he can allow a stranger and his best-friend to rekindle their flickering spark? I know objectively all of you guys will say "No", but I think I could be potentially committing relationship-suicide here, if this guy takes badly to it and decides to run with it to Kate and present me as a scheming, manipulative and controllive fucker.
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
2009-07-24 17:07:03
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6862

Hurricane2k9 wrote:

BF2s, how do I know when to kiss a girl? Do you just sorta 'know' it? Also, is it lame to ask a girl if you can put your arm around her? I'd do it but I know she's not always receptive to physical contact (cos of some bad experiences with other men before). She doesn't mind hugging me, which makes me think she wouldn't mind the arm, but what say ye?
Don't ask permission for anything, you just do it. Build her up to the contact if you don't think she'd go for it straight away; touch her arm, hands etc and then put your arm around her. But don't ask for her approval. Girls like strong, confident men, and asking permission is basically showing her you're the opposite. As for the kiss, it's kind of a feel thing, it should just feel right.
2009-07-24 17:14:18
bennisboy
Member
+829|6859|Poundland
Im not sure about messaging him man. Its so easy for him to twist into say "[uzique] is trying to get me to go away, sending me messages and harassin me" N then she;ll be pissed cos it is easy to make it sound like you're going behind her back
2009-07-24 17:14:27
KEN-JENNINGS
I am all that is MOD!
+2,978|6844|949

Uzi, just make sure you don't take too hostile a tone.  You don't want to give that fuck anything he can run back to your gf with to say, "see look, he hates that we're friends, he's jealous of our relationship, he's intimidating me" (when it's likely that he actually feels that way about your relationship).
2009-07-24 17:36:56
mcminty
Moderating your content for the Australian Govt.
+879|6934|Sydney, Australia
EDIT: And of course I typed this before scrolling down to see you'd written the email...


Uzique wrote:

Should I feel bad about messaging him? I'm not sure she will approve, but fuck it, what can I do? Is it wrong or indecent to message your girlfriend's best-friend, basically asking him to back off and leave her alone for a bit, so that he can allow a stranger and his best-friend to rekindle their flickering spark? I know objectively all of you guys will say "No", but I think I could be potentially committing relationship-suicide here, if this guy takes badly to it and decides to run with it to Kate and present me as a scheming, manipulative and controllive fucker.
I don't think you should feel bad. You are the fucking boyfriend!

That being said, I would be careful in how it is worded. As you know, you need to come across in a completely reasonable manner that focuses of the fact that you want some space to work on the relationship, to make Katie happy. This is what he wants, so a bad reaction would be irrational. Avoid anything that could come across as "blaming" him, as I guess that's when he would run off to her and paint you as the bad guy trying to ruin their friendship.
2009-07-24 17:37:02
bennisboy
Member
+829|6859|Poundland
Seems good, altho maybe too much use of dude n mate makes it seems a bit patronising
2009-07-24 17:38:13
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6862

I read it, and it's well written, nothing disagreeable you've said there that he can blow out of proportion. But fucksakes man, make that font bigger, I'm actually seeing spots from straining my eyes trying to read that!
2009-07-24 17:45:05
mcminty
Moderating your content for the Australian Govt.
+879|6934|Sydney, Australia
Uzique, I've had a skim read and so far it looks pretty decent. However, I'm not a fan of the few times you say something like "I don't know exactly what I'm asking or saying here"... since I thought you did? It doesn't come across as being confident in your own message to him.
2009-07-24 17:48:38
Winston_Churchill
Bazinga!
+521|6951|Toronto | Canada

Hurricane2k9 wrote:

BF2s, how do I know when to kiss a girl? Do you just sorta 'know' it? Also, is it lame to ask a girl if you can put your arm around her? I'd do it but I know she's not always receptive to physical contact (cos of some bad experiences with other men before). She doesn't mind hugging me, which makes me think she wouldn't mind the arm, but what say ye?
Just put your arm around her, any girl likes that (unless youre a creep).  If she pulls into you then you know for sure she likes you but if she doesnt respond, just pull her in a little and make it look like you're playing if you think it'll be awkward.
And kissing, usually you just gotta feel it.  If you went out with her or something and its an end of the date time, see if she pauses at the door.  If she does, or says "I had a good time" or something like that, but looks shy or embarrassed youre good to go.
2009-07-24 18:00:17
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6862

Just a thought, maybe trim it down a little? It seems to me like you say the same message a couple of times. I understand you want to stress how you feel, but at the same time he's not going to want to get smacked in the face with a gigantic wall of text when he opens his emails.
2009-07-24 18:02:21
Mekstizzle
WALKER
+3,611|6834|London, England
Yeah, trim it down and keep most of the stuff you've written for when you can tell him the same with words

IMO


I dunno this guy, if he's like you, he might appreciate that e-mail, but if he's not, he'll probably react in a different way.
2009-07-24 18:02:40
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683
Taken, I'll cut that shit doooown.

And who just anonymously Karma'd me? For all of the Austen-like prose, I would think it's KEN on his motherfucking Sense & Sensibility binges. Talk about girl problems...
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
2009-07-24 18:07:27
mcminty
Moderating your content for the Australian Govt.
+879|6934|Sydney, Australia

Uzique wrote:

Yeah, I'll tone down on the "mate" and "dude", just trying to come across informally and pal'ish... didn't want to hit him out of the blue with a 15,000 word epic that basically ends with the punchline of "Fuck off, you absolute cunt!" Also Mcminty, I've edited out the "I don't really know what I'm trying to say..." stuff - you're right. I was trying to come across again as informal, slightly deferential and hesitant to be assertive and controllive, but it probably will get lost in translation as just me being indecisive- and, if he wanted to be opportunistic, weak. I'm certainly not weak or indecisive on the matter- I know he needs to get on his fucking bike, I was just trying to be polite about it .

Good idea to send then, you think? If this guy has any common decency he will give us a fucking break. It's hard enough trying to repair the relationship and get us back to 100%, it's taking up all my thought, time and fucking £££ on presents and flashy days out, and it feels all for nothing when she keeps leaving every week and hitting the emotional 'Reset' button.
Glad I could help there.

I guess you could send it now.. or wait for a few of the other regular contributors in this thread to have a look. Is there something time critical happening soon that means you should send it ASAP?
2009-07-24 18:07:43
ATG
Banned
+5,233|6742|Global Command

Uzique wrote:

Taken, I'll cut that shit doooown.

And who just anonymously Karma'd me? For all of the Austen-like prose, I would think it's KEN on his motherfucking Sense & Sensibility binges. Talk about girl problems...
The empty rhetoric? Yes, you are correct.
2009-07-24 18:08:10
KEN-JENNINGS
I am all that is MOD!
+2,978|6844|949

Uzique wrote:

Taken, I'll cut that shit doooown.

And who just anonymously Karma'd me? For all of the Austen-like prose, I would think it's KEN on his motherfucking Sense & Sensibility binges. Talk about girl problems...
Haha it was me, and it's Pride and Prejudice.  It's an apt qoute though - you are the goodness, and he has all the apperance of it while lusting for more.

I don't have girl problems.  I'm well liking my young girl and the gaga googly-eyes we make when we see each other and hang out.  I feel like I'm 15 again.  It's a nice start, hopefully it continues to more awesomeness.  And the sex has been good; probably the result of my massive weiner pounding a 20 year-old innocent girl.
2009-07-24 18:11:46
Hurricane2k9
Pendulous Sweaty Balls
+1,538|5914|College Park, MD

KEN-JENNINGS wrote:

Uzique wrote:

Taken, I'll cut that shit doooown.

And who just anonymously Karma'd me? For all of the Austen-like prose, I would think it's KEN on his motherfucking Sense & Sensibility binges. Talk about girl problems...
Haha it was me, and it's Pride and Prejudice.  It's an apt qoute though - you are the goodness, and he has all the apperance of it while lusting for more.

I don't have girl problems.  I'm well liking my young girl and the gaga googly-eyes we make when we see each other and hang out.  I feel like I'm 15 again.  It's a nice start, hopefully it continues to more awesomeness.  And the sex has been good; probably the result of my massive weiner pounding a 20 year-old innocent girl.
gay (pride and prejudice) and pedophilic (20 year old), nice.


<3
https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/36793/marylandsig.jpg
2009-07-24 18:54:23
mcminty
Moderating your content for the Australian Govt.
+879|6934|Sydney, Australia

Uzique wrote:

@McMinty: there's no urgency other than the fact that she is planning to leave and go on the 4th August, which, considering the fact that she works 4 days a week as well, doesn't give us a great deal of time together to heal and grow. The sooner I message him, the sooner I get a response, and the more chance of said response being before the critical time she plans to leave to stay with him. I've been alone going insane, worrying out of my mind and introspectively thinking into infinity, for the better part of the last 2 weeks. I can't take another week alone- I'll go home, pick-up a random girl at a club and will fall off the rails. I'm dedicated to this girl but it just seems to be endless cycles of punishment right now, unjust and undeserved.

I really hope he has a decent bone somewhere in his lust-captured and google-eyed body. If he doesn't, I could well be fucked. Her mind has relapsed onto needing him for support, and the only way I can bring it back around to sense is if I give her nothing but good times and happiness-- I can't do that when a) she spends 1/2 of her time away from the house, and 1/2 of that time with him and b) when the fact that he is there at all gives me huge anguish and grief.
Ahh ok. Yeah, so that happens in about a week and a half. Still, send it pretty soon..
2009-07-25 07:14:42
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6862

Uzique wrote:

I really feel like we have lost that essential bond and foundation that a couple needs, when you're both on the same side and work together on things as a unit - even if it means that one or both of you has to make concessions and sacrifices. She's just not willing to play ball on that very basic need and fundament of a 2-way relationship; this entire stressful affair has just made her utterly self-absorbed and selfish. Yet again I feel a slight tinge of contempt and hatred for this inconsiderate, lost little girl. Fucking giving me such a hard time.
I hate to say it, but perhaps it's just getting towards the time where you should just break up. Yes it sucks, especially given your housing situation, but if she's not even willing to give you this much expecting you to return to being a happy couple seems unlikely at best.

 

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