Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683

bennisboy wrote:

dont blame yourself man. We all know how difficult some girls can be to deal with emotionally. Sounds like you tried everything you could but she didn't appreciate it. And its probably cos she had that guy constantly in her ear blowing every fight you two had out of proportion
Yeah, I don't doubt it. The only other person that knows her and knows as much about her 'troubles' is her mum, who I get along with, so I've shot her a message basically explaining that shit has hit an unexpected fan and everything is spiralling out of control with us, and her wellbeing. She says she really needs a break because she has nothing left to give, and can't trust that things will be constantly happy and good for her, even though I know it basically always has been and can be even better... just she has exaggerated and darkened all of the blips in our past into huge, menacing problems that can never be fixed. There are truthfully no issues between us as a couple, being completely honest, there's no huge untalked about problems or any overlasting issue that we haven't solved and got over. She's just spent, has been tired out by everything, and doesn't want to risk herself in the process of giving me a chance to show her that all of the bad shit she has worked herself up into about our relationship is self-invented and not real. What the hell can you do about that? It sucks... even when you're willing to give them the world, they whimsically don't trust you and don't want to take the risk, and you don't even get the chance. She's going home tomorrow, again, straight back to the old support system of creepy-friend and her family, which basically just takes away the opportunity for me to prove to her that things can work out and be great. It's done, basically. Absolut fuck!

I guess that now, by trying to reason with her to let me show her things are fine, I'm just making things worse for myself. If I bring it up or show that I'm pretty upset/pissed off about it, it just gets her emotions all raised again and tears start flowing, and I guess contributively all of these upsetting-talk sessions are just going to be darkened and become more 'bad times' for her to reflect on, and conclude that our relationship is terrible, after all. I can't talk to her about it, then, I can't get an opportunity to spend time with her and prove to her that things are great, and she is texting and getting all the emotional support that she needs from people 120 miles away-- family and friends from her pre-uni life. How the fuck are things going to pan out for the next 12 months, or so? Living in a house with a girl that you separated from for no real reason or fault, other than over-doing things.

Last edited by Uzique (2009-07-18 04:21:25)

libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
nukchebi0
Пушкин, наше всё
+387|6536|New Haven, CT

Uzique wrote:

nukchebi0 wrote:

Hm, that is a bit worse than having the guy just annoy you. Perhaps you should still go after him, as an insurance policy, so that if she "refinds" herself, and decides that you are who she desires (or whatever romantic crap women think of), he won't be an issue when your relationship resumes. If you are still dedicated to her, too, it might be a good idea to do that right away. If she has been relying on that other person for emotional support, its highly likely that she'll be going to him sometime soon (through text messages or whatever communication she uses), and that he will recognize this is an even greater opportunity. Essentially, try not to let him in between you two during this time, or you will have hurt your chances of getting her back. I hope you find a good solution to this (that involves salvaging the relationship), because it sounds like you really care about her.
I know, she's going to be calling home and calling him a lot for the emotional support needed, now that she's convinced herself that she has nothing left to give, and that we have to finish... ironic really, isn't it? She will inevitably go straight to him, so he can serve the role that he has always played for her, and she'll be comforted and will find solace there-- will probably settle and be happy with the single life, as he convinces her that being apart from our amazing relationship isn't so bad after all. I sorely do regret every single little squabble we had since moving into the house... what I thought of as petty nothings have just added to her stress and inner-tension and has caused her to snap. I've been speaking to her on and off all morning but she is adamant that she needs a break, and doesn't know if we will get back together or resolve anything. I'm pretty terrified, I guess, because every single thing that has happened over this nightmarish past week has been completely out of my control, and hasn't been anything to do with me. When it comes to your partner's head and thoughts, what can you do? She is sure in her mind that being alone and trusting the one person she only knows she can 100% trust, herself, is the best way for her to recover and get back onto her feet. I'm sad, upset and disappointed that I contributed towards 'draining' her in the first place, and even with this new knowledge and assurances that things can change so she doesn't feel that way, she doesn't want to take the leap of faith required to trust me, who could potentially harm or let down her fragile mindset.

Ah, going to be a tough week or so. She says she's going home again, "because she left her iPod", which I'm sure is a truthful reason... but it will inevitably result in her hanging out with the creeper best-friend guy some more, as he shows her that he's a far better support than I ever have been, and as he shows her that being away from me doesn't have to be sad and gloomy, with his days out and his "I'll pay for everything!" faked generosity. Fucking hell, I'm absolutely checkmated and I haven't even had a play so far in this boardgame.
Other than not being assertive enough, which you really couldn't predict nor control too much, you're completely right in nothing you haven't had any opportunity to influence this. I can speak from experience (observatory, I was in a friend zone the entire time, so I got an exceedingly good glimpse at it) that girls get very infatuated with people they know and show any semblance of connection with. In this particular instance, the girl was in a relationship with a guy she knew, they had minor fights (mind you, this was high school, so its not completely the same), and she met some guy online (he wasn't shady or dumb - had a 2300+ on the SAT). She got connected with him, at one point telling me "the guy could guess everything about her". Although her standing relationship lasted four more months, I could tell it was doomed from the moment she told me. Rather predictably, she started a relationship with said guy a month later, and I believe they are still together. The point is, the girl didn't try to keep the standing relationship alive, and her boyfriend was in no strong position to do so. When they finally broke up, the justification was that they didn't want fights to ruin a normal friendship, but based on all the conversations I had with her, that wasn't completely the case. Yes, it was a relatively ephemeral high school relationship, but I think it still serves as a good illustration of how women think. I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert in female psychology, of course, but I don't think they differ much in that regard.

In essence, he played a role in this, as did she; you were certainly least involved. With that said, don't dismiss the chances of her getting involved with him. She may have rejected him with your relationship established, but women are emotionally needy and attached, and she could translate that into something with him.

As a note about the last paragraph, it may be truthful, but it is clearly a justification. Its no different than a socially awkward guy trying to start a conversation with a girl by asking her about schoolwork. It may be truthful, but its spurious and a secondary consideration given the circumstances.

Edit: Sorry, I can't keep up with your posting productivity. Seriously, I hope things work out well.

Last edited by nukchebi0 (2009-07-18 04:34:12)

Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683
Thanks for the words - appreciated. I'm not inconsolable or depressed or anything, but of course it is pretty upsetting to know that a long-term amount of hard-work, commitment and pretty heavy feelings have unravelled because of mounting stress and a convenient re-attachment to a friend that she drifted apart from when she was with me. It was just terrible, terrible timing... she went home, after we were having a tense, stressful time together, to clear her head and rest up - all the way home she was texting me saying how she "Missed me" and "Everything is going to be fine, don't worry", but then by the second and third day there was absolute radio-silence... my multiple daily texts would go unanswered until 11:00pm+ at night, when she would eventually reply saying she is too tired to talk after a long and testing day. Basically she was hanging out with him, talking to him, thinking lots about her life, what she wants, our relationship etc.

I definitely was the last person to have a say or influence in this, and I feel powerless now to reverse or challenge the conclusions that she came too when in that influential and detrimental company. If I try to get through to her just how desperate my situation is, what a lose:lose it is, then it just angers her more and she pleads with me to "Put her needs and her head first; be an understanding boyfriend"- the huge frustration is that I am fucking understanding, I understand that she needs emotional support and care when she's down and out like she is now, and she needs it from me, who can perfectly give it to her, not from some easy-option creeper at home that has always been there and has now leapt on his freshest opportunity to break our relationship. It's hopeless. I even messaged her mum, because she's the only other person that knows her as well as I do, but fuck knows what good that will achieve. I guess if I have the future in-laws on my side, perhaps some family-support guidance will help her see that, beyond the grey-clouds of her own subjectivity and depressed mindset, there's a lot to fucking admire and celebrate about the relationship we crafted out of our own hard work.
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
JakAttaK
csanva<3
+492|6538|England
I have only read this page, and it may have been on the other pages, but how long have you been with her Uzique?
Flecco
iPod is broken.
+1,048|6877|NT, like Mick Dundee

JakAttaK wrote:

I have only read this page, and it may have been on the other pages, but how long have you been with her Uzique?
They just moved into a house together.


Enough said?
Whoa... Can't believe these forums are still kicking.
JakAttaK
csanva<3
+492|6538|England
Ouch. Feel for you mate, I sort of know what you mean with the creepy guy constantly making hints. I'm sorry it went south
mcminty
Moderating your content for the Australian Govt.
+879|6934|Sydney, Australia

Uzique wrote:

How the fuck are things going to pan out for the next 12 months, or so? Living in a house with a girl that you separated from for no real reason or fault, other than over-doing things.
Is there any way out of that situation? Or is it some type of co-signed contract deal?

I don't have much experience in this department (), so I can't offer many words of advice. I'll just say best of luck, and that I'll follow this thread and send ya my good vibes from Oz.
Mekstizzle
WALKER
+3,611|6833|London, England

Flecco wrote:

JakAttaK wrote:

I have only read this page, and it may have been on the other pages, but how long have you been with her Uzique?
They just moved into a house together.


Enough said?
Even then Apparently it's only been abit more than half a year. I always thought he/they were jumping the gun abit. That and the fact that they're still what, 19 years old. It all seems too fast, and it's catching up with her. To me, it doesn't seem like anything surprising. And I personally think it's out of his control right now, it's upto her to realise how things are and come to her senses and make a correct decision on things.
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683

Mekstizzle wrote:

Flecco wrote:

JakAttaK wrote:

I have only read this page, and it may have been on the other pages, but how long have you been with her Uzique?
They just moved into a house together.


Enough said?
Even then Apparently it's only been abit more than half a year. I always thought he/they were jumping the gun abit. That and the fact that they're still what, 19 years old. It all seems too fast, and it's catching up with her. To me, it doesn't seem like anything surprising. And I personally think it's out of his control right now, it's upto her to realise how things are and come to her senses and make a correct decision on things.
I know that the reasonable conclusion is that we jumped the gun... but, it's hard to explain a subjective decision like that! She's a very emotionally-needy person, and I've known it since the first time I met her- she opened up to me and let me really understand her personality and eating disorder in a way that was so unique, that is even shocked and surprised herself. No one else has ever been let in to know about her vulnerabilities like that, and I guess ever since, building on the relationship, it has remained a unique and kinda profound bond. For my part, I've had a shit-ton of long-term relationships, and was becoming so jaded by the time I started going through the one-night-stands routine again at University. She was a real breath of fresh air: hate to sound borderline-cliché, but it was just a whole new experience and conception of what 'love' and 'relationship' meant to me. She just does a lot of good for me and brings out the best in me, in ways that perhaps you guys won't be able to understand from gleaning characteristics from my shitty Forum persona. She was over-the-moon about getting a house with me, it was a big hassle and at multiple times in the process it would have been very easy to give up, and go with an easier option... but we stuck at it, and we were both very happy for the life that we created. I think the general stress of that process, though, the whole newness of having your own house, entirely to yourself- just caused her to burn out and crash, emotionally. The small bickerings and meaningless disagreements that all couples have, regardless of their strength and closeness, menacingly morphed in her mind under these pressures to become evil obstacles. She had to get out. Now, after returning, she's self-convinced herself of so-and-so, and those are the conclusions I'm trying to deal with. None of it really arises from us being immature, jumping-the-gun, making a rash decision that turned out to be a mistake, etc.etc. ad infinitum. Just a complicated scenario with a complex character.

Last edited by Uzique (2009-07-18 05:37:53)

libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
Flecco
iPod is broken.
+1,048|6877|NT, like Mick Dundee

mcminty wrote:

Uzique wrote:

How the fuck are things going to pan out for the next 12 months, or so? Living in a house with a girl that you separated from for no real reason or fault, other than over-doing things.
Is there any way out of that situation? Or is it some type of co-signed contract deal?

I don't have much experience in this department (), so I can't offer many words of advice. I'll just say best of luck, and that I'll follow this thread and send ya my good vibes from Oz.
Previous employers/friends have provided accommodation.

Current employer is chasing it. So I'm in the same boat. Mostly don't know shit about that sort of thing.
Whoa... Can't believe these forums are still kicking.
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683

Flecco wrote:

mcminty wrote:

Uzique wrote:

How the fuck are things going to pan out for the next 12 months, or so? Living in a house with a girl that you separated from for no real reason or fault, other than over-doing things.
Is there any way out of that situation? Or is it some type of co-signed contract deal?

I don't have much experience in this department (), so I can't offer many words of advice. I'll just say best of luck, and that I'll follow this thread and send ya my good vibes from Oz.
Previous employers/friends have provided accommodation.

Current employer is chasing it. So I'm in the same boat. Mostly don't know shit about that sort of thing.
It's a co-signed 12 month contract, yes, on a pretty luxurious property that we can't afford to financially forfeit on. And yes, given that hard-fact, that does give chance to the possibility of there being awkward fuck-buddies involved, especially given my sex-drive and hatred of sexlessness, and her cheerleader-appeal and DD-cup man-magnets. Really trying not to think of that eventuality right now... fixing the meaningful relationship is the only option for me
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
mcminty
Moderating your content for the Australian Govt.
+879|6934|Sydney, Australia

Uzique wrote:

Flecco wrote:

mcminty wrote:

Is there any way out of that situation? Or is it some type of co-signed contract deal?

I don't have much experience in this department (), so I can't offer many words of advice. I'll just say best of luck, and that I'll follow this thread and send ya my good vibes from Oz.
Previous employers/friends have provided accommodation.

Current employer is chasing it. So I'm in the same boat. Mostly don't know shit about that sort of thing.
It's a co-signed 12 month contract, yes, on a pretty luxurious property that we can't afford to financially forfeit on. And yes, given that hard-fact, that does give chance to the possibility of there being awkward fuck-buddies involved, especially given my sex-drive and hatred of sexlessness, and her cheerleader-appeal and DD-cup man-magnets. Really trying not to think of that eventuality right now... fixing the meaningful relationship is the only option for me
Damn that's a crap arrangement (given the circumstances).

As for the other problem.. http://www.soundservice.co.uk/  ..
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6861

In all honesty, and whilst it doesn't help you out at all, I'd say you moved in together too quickly. I'm sure it seemed right at the time; it usually does, but I've seen a bunch of my friends fuck up relationships in their second year of uni by moving in with their boy/girlfriend that they got together with in their first year.  Some of them did resolve it, and others moved out and kept the relationship together. Now I'm not saying that's what you should do, but moving in presents a lot of problems. Somehow, it's always very different to when you just spend all your time together at one persons house, I guess maybe it's the lack of having somewhere to escape to?

But anyway, I guess me being the 'I told you so' douchebag doesn't really help.
bennisboy
Member
+829|6859|Poundland
Uzique, I'd say just give it time, there is not much else you can do at the moment. She'll probably realise that she misses you and come running back. I think you just have to wait for her to see that. Dont keep trying to convince her cos it'll jus drive a wedge between you. Now go out n get pissed!
TSI
Cholera in the time of love
+247|6193|Toronto
Zeek, I feel for you. I've seen this happen quite a few times. Sorry to hear.
I've seen it resolved, though.

Essentially, what I'm proposing is a slightly different tack: instead of talking to her about the relationship she's possibly developing with [annoying prick], and worrying as you do, let it all go. Boom! You've said that your relationship is pretty solid, and from what I've gathered I believe that the main challenge to its integrity comes from her own insecurity and mental fragility. Face it, whatever you do, you can't stop her going to see [annoying prick]. By doing what you're doing, you're painting a "Uzique-vs-[annoying prick]" scenario in her mind--and it's going to hurt her real bad, as what you're essentially doing is alienating [annoying prick] and thus making her feel guilty about doing anything away from you--and fearing you.

I don't think that her spending time with this guy is a problem, insofar as he's living 120 miles away. I say let it go, let her have her fun, and when she does come back, smile, ask her how much fun she's had, and then impress the living daylights out of her. In France I discovered that chocolate, champagne and strawberries are unbeatable.

If that doesn't work, give me his address. I have a couple of friends in the UK who could visit him. Best of luck.
I like pie.
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683

ghettoperson wrote:

In all honesty, and whilst it doesn't help you out at all, I'd say you moved in together too quickly. I'm sure it seemed right at the time; it usually does, but I've seen a bunch of my friends fuck up relationships in their second year of uni by moving in with their boy/girlfriend that they got together with in their first year.  Some of them did resolve it, and others moved out and kept the relationship together. Now I'm not saying that's what you should do, but moving in presents a lot of problems. Somehow, it's always very different to when you just spend all your time together at one persons house, I guess maybe it's the lack of having somewhere to escape to?

But anyway, I guess me being the 'I told you so' douchebag doesn't really help.
Thanks for your advice, all. Nice to know that when I'm not being a douchenozzle, some people are willing to communicate with the geezer beneath the nametag.

Yeah, ghetto, you're right about pointing out maybe things were too soon. I don't agree, of course, but that's because of the subjective and hugely complex way things went. For one, the house she originally intended to move into was shared with a guy that was hopelessly in love with her, and was borderline a stalker and major grievance. He made her life hell, made her incredibly depressed, and was still turning at at her door at 2am in the morning, drunkenly punching the walls, when I was staying over hers. I sorted the prick out and made arrangements so that we could live together this year - it wasn't my original plan, not at all, I'm a lad's lad at heart, but it made her infinitely happier and removed the massive trouble that she was in, stuck in an already-signed contract with that prick. She has her own place to escape to, as well, and I freely let her as often as she wants; the house we have is fucking massive, and she has an entire third-floor to herself with en-suite, small pantry, gym-room etc. She literally never needs to come downstairs or interact with me, if she doesn't want to. With her eating disorder, too (read: vomiting), she was basically shitting herself with nerves over living with anyone that she knows from University. With me as her boyfriend, and in the position of being one of the only people apart from her own parents/family to know about her issue, she definitely feels more comfortable and dreads the horrid routine less.

I'm actually in pretty detailed mail-exchange with her mum. She's giving nuggets of objective, stand-off wisdom, and I really respect her for that. Whether I've actually done any tangible wrong or not, her little girl is still upset and having a hard time, and I'm basically the antagonist in that scenario. Her mum is being cool, and it's nice to talk to someone that understands the complex psychology and background of this chick.

+1's
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6861

TBH, it does sound like you did the right thing by moving in then.

And completely not the issue, but how fucking huge is this place?! When you said pretty luxurious, I assumed you just meant a decent sized brand new flat.
krazed
Admiral of the Bathtub
+619|6992|Great Brown North
well at least you have her mom working with you right?
ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6861

If all else fails, you can always nail her mum

...sorry.
..teddy..jimmy
Member
+1,393|6862

Uzique wrote:

So today my long-term girlfriend came home from a trip home "to see family", and ended up telling me that she had spent the last 2 days with her reallllllly-creepily close best friend (male) that I mentioned a few pages back, who was sending her creepy "I miss us" emails in the past. She turned up at the house at 5pm and, as it turns out, she had been at a theme-park with him all day on a proper merry day out. She also told me that she had to "draw the line", and said that she missed her friendship and close-bond with him, and to continue in our relationship we basically now have to have this weird guy that's stuck in the 'best friend zone' himself as a third-wheel. She's talking about like phoning/texting/messaging him everyday, basically turning to him for all the emotional support and strength that any normal person would get from the relationship.

This guy has been a frequent and recurring nightmare for me in this relationship -- the only problem, in fact. He's just always... there. Before she met me, he was a genuinely good guy to her, and did care for her etc. although the creepy texts/emails show he has clearly always longed for something more, but never got it. As a result, I see this guy as a threat and a little bitch that's trying to crawl inside my missus on the 'kind, understanding, best-friend-for-life' route, but all she sees is a faultless, blameless Messiah that has just done a good job of keeping her chin up during hard-times in the past.

So, apart from a big "FML", what should I do BF2s? She's essentially asking for everything with her & him to be restored to the way that it was on day one of our relationship, i.e. a big fucking headache for me.  I just don't like the 'third wheel' feeling, nor do I like the idea that my own support, care and love is being undermined by the guy that 'could have been' for all of her teenage past. I've told her that I have to draw my own lines, and established that certain things are just fucked-up; e.g. the way they speak to each other, the way he pesters and hints at more, the closeness and platonic smoochiness- basically things that just make the boyfriend feel uncomfortable. Now, after eloping and relapsing into that style of friendship with him, after a 3-4 month period of not much contact, she's saying she wants it back as a permanent thing. Fucking cock.
Lay down the law uzi...tell her you find it bloody weird and it'll have to stop. Girls only change if you make it very obvious you're annoyed because they lack the social intelligence to understand why only when it's too late.

Sometimes I wish you could literally knock some kind of sense into girls.

Last edited by ..teddy..jimmy (2009-07-18 15:21:17)

ghettoperson
Member
+1,943|6861

Also, 'moddy' isn't a word.
Gawwad
My way or Haddaway!
+212|6897|Espoo, Finland
It's the same as 'moderatorish'
..teddy..jimmy
Member
+1,393|6862

Uzique wrote:

She's going home again tomorrow afternoon, anyway, for another week. Another week of being treated and having the time of her life with that wankstain, haha. I've just kind of resigned myself to the luck and chance of fate now, I suppose. Either she'll come around and realize everything I've given her and have been prepared to do for her, or she'll enjoy the liberties and care-free way of single-life way too much and will stay away for as long as possible. She'll have to be here in September/October though, when term starts, so she'll just be voluntarily making her own life very difficult if that is the path that she chooses to take.
Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants so just let her make up her mind. Let her know you're not happy about the situation and believe me she'll come running back gagging for you the second she realizes things are sketchy. I can't count the amount of times girls have treated me like shit, I dump them and they come running back ready to receive whatever you demand.
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6683

..teddy..jimmy wrote:

Uzique wrote:

She's going home again tomorrow afternoon, anyway, for another week. Another week of being treated and having the time of her life with that wankstain, haha. I've just kind of resigned myself to the luck and chance of fate now, I suppose. Either she'll come around and realize everything I've given her and have been prepared to do for her, or she'll enjoy the liberties and care-free way of single-life way too much and will stay away for as long as possible. She'll have to be here in September/October though, when term starts, so she'll just be voluntarily making her own life very difficult if that is the path that she chooses to take.
Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants so just let her make up her mind. Let her know you're not happy about the situation and believe me she'll come running back gagging for you the second she realizes things are sketchy. I can't count the amount of times girls have treated me like shit, I dump them and they come running back ready to receive whatever you demand.
Ah she knows that things are sketchy man, and I've told her I'm more than unhappy about the way things are going- I have very clearly explained that I know, if I give her space then she's just going to run to creeper-guy and a 'liberated' single-lifestyle for support and consolation, and she'll never want to try and come back to fix a relationship that she has been unhappy in for the last few stressful weeks of moving-in and adjustment. Part of me wants to just slap her and say, let me fucking show you that everything is and will be fine, but her mental stress and emotional exhaustion really is just creating a huge barrier right now. Yes, she needs time to get over that blockade in her head so she can think clearly, but how is that 'clarity of thought' going to turn when she's been spending the majority of her summer month's with a creeper best friend, living a lifestyle with no restraint or responsibility? I can't see her fully 'healed' and recovered mind then thinking "Yeah, I want to return to that relationship I perceived as being unhappy, and then left without giving [Uzique] any chance to make things work". It's hideously unfair, but I know that it's the way things have got to be... if I try to coerce her into giving me a chance anymore, I'm just going to frustrate her mind and drive her further away. Getting this one back on track and ensuring that we patch-up this stressful bump in the road is going to be a major task: part-fluke and luck and part involving me sticking around and putting my entire life on hiatus until she finishes frolicking around and makes up her mind.

Difficult girls are difficult, it's such a massive kiln. This is the most I've ever posted in self-indulgent, shitty whine threads like this, but Jesus, it's also probably the first time I've given everything to a chick to make her and the relationship happy, and ironically also the first time it's all gone tits up for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/
MadDogs&RunningMen
I'm back
+25|5632
lol uzique you talks.  many issues you have.

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