i like it!!!!cospengle wrote:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Bourke street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. Its important at my age.
The Chaucer Pubbe Gagge
Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas two for the price of one.
Yet after wine and meade and sac,
Man must have a massive snack,
Great pasties from Cornwalle!
Scottishe eggs round like a balle!
Great hammes, quaile, ducke and geese!
They suck'd the bones and drank the grease!
One fellowe stood all pale and wan,
For he was vegetarianne
Yet man knoweth that gluttonie,
Stoketh the fyre of lecherie,
Upon three young wenches round and slye,
The fellowes cast a wanton eye.
One did approach, with drunkene winke:
"'Ello darlin', you fancy a drink?",
Soon they caught them on their knee,
'Twas like some grotesque puppettrie!
Such was the lewdness and debaucherie -
'Twas like a sketch by Dick Emery!
(Except that Dick Emery is not yet borne -
So such comparisonne may not be drawn).
But then the fellowes began to pale,
For quail are not the friende of ale!
And in their bellyes much confusione!
From their throats vile extrusione!
Stinking foule corruptionne!
Came spewinge forth from droolinge lippes,
The fetide stenche did fille the pubbe,
'Twas the very arse of Beelzebubbe!
Thrown they were, from the Horne And Trumpette,
In the street, no coyne, no strumpet.
Homeward bounde, must quicklie go,
To that ende - a donkey stole!
Their handes all with vomit greased,
The donkey was not pleased,
And threw them into a ditche of shite!
They all agreed: "What a brillant night!"
Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas two for the price of one.
Yet after wine and meade and sac,
Man must have a massive snack,
Great pasties from Cornwalle!
Scottishe eggs round like a balle!
Great hammes, quaile, ducke and geese!
They suck'd the bones and drank the grease!
One fellowe stood all pale and wan,
For he was vegetarianne
Yet man knoweth that gluttonie,
Stoketh the fyre of lecherie,
Upon three young wenches round and slye,
The fellowes cast a wanton eye.
One did approach, with drunkene winke:
"'Ello darlin', you fancy a drink?",
Soon they caught them on their knee,
'Twas like some grotesque puppettrie!
Such was the lewdness and debaucherie -
'Twas like a sketch by Dick Emery!
(Except that Dick Emery is not yet borne -
So such comparisonne may not be drawn).
But then the fellowes began to pale,
For quail are not the friende of ale!
And in their bellyes much confusione!
From their throats vile extrusione!
Stinking foule corruptionne!
Came spewinge forth from droolinge lippes,
The fetide stenche did fille the pubbe,
'Twas the very arse of Beelzebubbe!
Thrown they were, from the Horne And Trumpette,
In the street, no coyne, no strumpet.
Homeward bounde, must quicklie go,
To that ende - a donkey stole!
Their handes all with vomit greased,
The donkey was not pleased,
And threw them into a ditche of shite!
They all agreed: "What a brillant night!"
Important Announcement from EU Commission
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty`s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish ( Euro for short).
In the first year, `s` will be used instead of the soft `c`. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard `c` will be replaced with `k`. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome `ph` will be replaced by `f`. This will make words like ` fotograf ` 20 per cent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent `e`s ` in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing `th` by `z` and `w` by `v`.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary `o` kan be droped fron vords kontaining `ou` and similar changes vud , of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evntuly vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru !!
---------------------
To the citizens of the United States of America,
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You will probably need to look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Alaska , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All junctions (not intersections) will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty`s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish ( Euro for short).
In the first year, `s` will be used instead of the soft `c`. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard `c` will be replaced with `k`. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome `ph` will be replaced by `f`. This will make words like ` fotograf ` 20 per cent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent `e`s ` in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing `th` by `z` and `w` by `v`.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary `o` kan be droped fron vords kontaining `ou` and similar changes vud , of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evntuly vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru !!
---------------------
To the citizens of the United States of America,
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You will probably need to look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Alaska , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All junctions (not intersections) will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
A vampire walks into the bar and the bartender asks him "Hey bud, the usual pint of good ol blood?"
"not today jimbo, just a cup of hot water"
taken aback from this, the bartender asks
"really? whys that!?"
"I feel like tea, i've brought a tampon"
"not today jimbo, just a cup of hot water"
taken aback from this, the bartender asks
"really? whys that!?"
"I feel like tea, i've brought a tampon"
A man was walking along the street one day when he saw a ladder leaning against the side of a building with a sign pointing upwards saying "Climb up to success".
So he began climbing.
At the first window he stopped and looked in. There was a really old lady in her 60s, and in a granny-like voice said tantalisingly to him: "You can stay with me for the rest of your life, or you can keep climbing to success." He didn't give it a second thought and kept climbing.
At the second window there was a relatively attractive middle-aged woman. She said to him enticingly: "You can stay with me for the rest of your life, or you can keep climbing to success." He was a bit tempted, but decided to keep climbing.
At the third window there was a really attractive 18yo girl with a perfect body. Our hero almost fell off the ladder gawking at her. She said in the sweetest yet raunchiest voice: "You can stay with me for the rest of your life, or you can keep climbing to success." Now this was a hard decision for him, and he was genuinely interested in her. But his ambitions got the better of him, and painfully he managed to drag himself away and resumed climbing.
He climbed and climbed and finally, out of breath, he reached the top.
There stood an old man, with his pants around his ankles, and he said: "Hi, my name is Ses".
Spoiler (highlight to read):
say SUCCESS out loud
So he began climbing.
At the first window he stopped and looked in. There was a really old lady in her 60s, and in a granny-like voice said tantalisingly to him: "You can stay with me for the rest of your life, or you can keep climbing to success." He didn't give it a second thought and kept climbing.
At the second window there was a relatively attractive middle-aged woman. She said to him enticingly: "You can stay with me for the rest of your life, or you can keep climbing to success." He was a bit tempted, but decided to keep climbing.
At the third window there was a really attractive 18yo girl with a perfect body. Our hero almost fell off the ladder gawking at her. She said in the sweetest yet raunchiest voice: "You can stay with me for the rest of your life, or you can keep climbing to success." Now this was a hard decision for him, and he was genuinely interested in her. But his ambitions got the better of him, and painfully he managed to drag himself away and resumed climbing.
He climbed and climbed and finally, out of breath, he reached the top.
There stood an old man, with his pants around his ankles, and he said: "Hi, my name is Ses".
Spoiler (highlight to read):
say SUCCESS out loud
Last edited by Vub (2008-10-15 06:23:04)
Spread sheets.Havok wrote:
Ok this joke kinda sucks, but I made it myself.
What can you create with the new program, Microsoft eXXXcel?
Spoiler (highlight to read):
A pornograph
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender suggests that he gives them to him one at a time. The guy explains to the bartender that his two brothers are still in Ireland and they always do their drinks three at a time to remember each other. This trend goes on for a while. One day, the guy comes in and only orders two shots. The bartender says: "Hey buddy I am sorry to hear about your loss." The guy looks a little befuddled & asks the bartender what he is talking about. The bartender says: "Well you only ordered two shots today so I was guessing that one of your brothers had passed away." The guy looks at the bartender and says: "No, my brothers are fine & dandy. I quit drinking three days ago."
A man tattooed WY on his dick.When the dick is flaccid you can only see "WY",but when he gets a boner the tattoo stretches and it says Wendy,name of his girfriend.He went into a bar and after a few drinks he walks into a toilet.He unzips his pants at the urinal and notices that a black man urinating beside him has WY tattooed on his penis also.He asks the black man:-"So your girlfriend's name is Wendy too,huh?"
The black man replies:-"No,mine says:Welcome to Jamaica,have a nice daY!"
The black man replies:-"No,mine says:Welcome to Jamaica,have a nice daY!"
LOL! +1blah wrote:
A man tattooed WY on his dick.When the dick is flaccid you can only see "WY",but when he gets a boner the tattoo stretches and it says Wendy,name of his girfriend.He went into a bar and after a few drinks he walks into a toilet.He unzips his pants at the urinal and notices that a black man urinating beside him has WY tattooed on his penis also.He asks the black man:-"So your girlfriend's name is Wendy too,huh?"
The black man replies:-"No,mine says:Welcome to Jamaica,have a nice daY!"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."
Hahaha, although if I had been the father I'd have said "son, that's the tusk"bad-man wrote:
A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."
A man was in his study late at night when suddenly a genie pops out of nowhere and asks him "so what will your third and final wish be?"
The man is dumbfounded. "Aren't I supposed to get 3 wishes?"
"Yes," replied the genie, "you made a wish, then your second wish was to put everything back to the way it was before you made that wish. So therefore you only have one wish left."
"Oh ok then." The man thought for awhile, "Alright, what the heck, I wish to be irresistable to women!"
"Funny" said the genie as he granted the man his wish and disappeared forever, "that was your first wish too."
EVENING STANDARD - London: Seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
An emperor needs a samurai and asks a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish sword master to each demonstrate his skills.
The Japanese samurai releases a fly from a matchbox. Whoosh goes his sword, and the fly drops to the ground in two pieces.The Chinese samurai opens his matchbox, and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword, and the fly drops to the ground in four pieces.
The Jewish samurai releases a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword, but the fly continues to buzz around.
The emperor, perplexed, says, “You didn’t kill the fly.”
The Jewish samurai replies, “Right. But he will never mate.”
The Japanese samurai releases a fly from a matchbox. Whoosh goes his sword, and the fly drops to the ground in two pieces.The Chinese samurai opens his matchbox, and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword, and the fly drops to the ground in four pieces.
The Jewish samurai releases a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword, but the fly continues to buzz around.
The emperor, perplexed, says, “You didn’t kill the fly.”
The Jewish samurai replies, “Right. But he will never mate.”
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
love little johnny jokes +1Nintendogamer wrote:
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.
“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.”
“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.
“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
LMAObad-man wrote:
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.
“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.”
“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.
“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
What is the climax of Spanish soap opera?
When Rodrigo finds out he's his own mother.
A mutant climbs up from the sewer,enters the building and knocks on the apartment 5B.A woman opens the door:
-"Hello,are you the woman who aborted in the toilet 25 years ago?"
-"Yes"
-"MUM!"
Last edited by blah (2008-10-30 15:43:49)
hehehh, kind of nasty... but +1, here is mineblah wrote:
A mutant climbs up from the sewer,enters the building and knocks on the apartment 5B.A woman opens the door:
-"Hello,are you the woman who aborted in the toilet 25 years ago?"
-"Yes"
-"MUM!"
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.
Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
Dr. Dre
ROFLMAO +1bad-man wrote:
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.
Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”
Little Johnny was in Kindergarten and the school was having an open house. All the students with their parents were there. The teacher was going through the alphabet and calling on kids for examples of what started with that letter. The teacher starts with the letter 'A.' Little Johnny has him arm up, but the teacher knowing he has a swearing problem thinks to herself: I know he will say asshole, so I better not call on him. Teacher: Susie. Susie: A is for apple (applause). The teacher moves on to the letter 'B.' Little Johnny has his up, but the teacher thinks to herself: I know he will say bitch, or bastard. Teacher: Christopher. Christopher: B is for bicycle (applause). Little Johnny has his hand up intermittently, and the teacher gets to the letter 'R.' Little Johnny has his hand up. The teacher thinks to herself, well I have to call on him sometime and I can't think of anything bad that starts with 'R.' Teacher: Johnny. Johnny: R is for rat, a big fucking rat.bad-man wrote:
love little johnny jokes +1
My dad sent this to me in an email, i thought it was good haha
> Geoffrey the Aboriginal
>
>
> A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
> invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the
> only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
>
> He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
> Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
> oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said,
> 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give million
> dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. 'The words were barely
> out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
> and saw Geoffrey in the pool!
>
> Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing
> the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
> of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
> flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
> The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the
> croc were screaming and raising hell.
>
> Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
> K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
> was just staring at him in disbelief.
>
> Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
> dollars.'
>
> Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey.
>
> The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
> 'How about half a million bucks then?'
>
> 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey.
>
> The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
> amazing.
>
> How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
>
> 'Again, Geoffrey said no.
>
> Confused,the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?'
>
> Geoffrey said,
'I want the name of the fucker who pushed me in the pool.
> Geoffrey the Aboriginal
>
>
> A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
> invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the
> only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
>
> He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
> Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
> oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said,
> 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give million
> dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. 'The words were barely
> out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
> and saw Geoffrey in the pool!
>
> Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing
> the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
> of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
> flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
> The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the
> croc were screaming and raising hell.
>
> Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
> K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
> was just staring at him in disbelief.
>
> Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
> dollars.'
>
> Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey.
>
> The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
> 'How about half a million bucks then?'
>
> 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey.
>
> The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
> amazing.
>
> How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
>
> 'Again, Geoffrey said no.
>
> Confused,the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?'
>
> Geoffrey said,
'I want the name of the fucker who pushed me in the pool.
Hahabelldawg wrote:
joke