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[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5182|Netherlands
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
> around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
> scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
> it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that
> you just served?'
>
> The waiter replied, 'Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
> Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
> delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
>
> The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per
> day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
> and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
> was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
> bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These
> are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
> serve yesterday.'
>
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor ... sometimes
> the bull wins!'
Buckles
Cheeky Keen
+329|5889|Kent, UK
One for the Brits among us...

Did you hear about the failed attempt by the Polish to climb Mt Everest?

They got half way and ran out of scaffolding...
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5182|Netherlands
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a  nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today,  and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the  hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met NurseTracy.

'Mr. Goldstein,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Goldstein, 'I told you yesterday that  my Private Part died.'

'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'
Nintendogamer
Member
+72|5920|Chelmsford, UK
Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly
pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do yo u mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen, Lady, I'm 69 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
theDude5B
Cool member
+804|6084
After lifting the Champions League cup for the second time, Ryan Giggs said "It's not Terry's it's mine"

Samaritans are offering counselling to all Chelsea fans. Call 0800 10 10 10 - that's 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing

John Terry is going to start making his own brand of vodka - and like him it's bottled in Russia

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegendly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing "We're forever blowing Doubles."
Mitch
Ive been here for 15.5 years. That’s half my life.
+876|5858|South Florida
Know what a female peacock is called?

A peacunt.
15 more years! 15 more years!
lilbaily2
Member
+12|5975|OH
What do you call a viking with hair in his teeth?



Gladiator


Glad iat or
Nintendogamer
Member
+72|5920|Chelmsford, UK
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child, 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies, ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher, 'If you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies, 'Playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher.. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell 'Blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit '


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5182|Netherlands
small joke

2 muscito"s flying over the beach and see pamela anderson lee , tell the other muscito to other have you do that
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5182|Netherlands
Next joke :

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
i g
Banned
+876|5197|GA

what's the hardest part about putting a live baby in a blender?


Spoiler (highlight to read):
my dick
SamTheMan:D
Banned
+856|5307|England

Eye-GiZzLe wrote:

what's the hardest part about putting a live baby in a blender?


Spoiler (highlight to read):
my dick
TimmmmaaaaH
Damn, I... had something for this
+725|5773|Brisbane, Australia

Eye-GiZzLe wrote:

what's the hardest part about putting a live baby in a blender?


Spoiler (highlight to read):
my dick
oh. .....

....


LOL
https://bf3s.com/sigs/5e6a35c97adb20771c7b713312c0307c23a7a36a.png
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5182|Netherlands
next Joke :


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."\Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The  blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She  shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice drink, and then ... let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5182|Netherlands
small joke :


Major Announcement from Apple Computer

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast  implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size .
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
BRiiNDED
Member
+137|5457
Zeus, the Greek God, flying over the ancient city Greece, spotted a gorgeous naked lady washing by a lake. He went down and made love to her. Then he told her "in 9 months you shall have a baby boy and you will call him Hercules".. She smiled and replied "in 9 days yourll have a rash and call it Herpes, now fuck off!"

BRiiNDED
Member
+137|5457
Most of the text jokes i get are racist but ill post two anyway, ive changed the text colour so you dont have to read unless you feel like it..

Warning:::Racist, Dependant on View's:::Highlight To Read:::
Spoiler (highlight to read):
Three Muslims were knocked down and killed in a Tesco car park today.... Tesco's -- Every little helps
Warning:::Lame Jokes:::


Two guys sitting in a pub, one says to the other “I fucked your mum last night. We did everything she sat on my face, rubbed her tits up and down my cock, she let me fuck her doggy style and even told me to give it to her in the arse. She finished off by sucking me until I cam in her mouth”. The other guy replied. “Let’s go home dad, I think you’ve had enough to drink”

2 pubes on a toilet seat, one turns to the other and says “I’m going to get pissed off soon”

Three guys are discussing woman. “I like to watch a woman’s tits best” the first guy says. The second guy says “I like to watch a woman’s arse best”. H asks the third guy “What about you?”... “Me? I prefer to see the top of her head!”

Josef Fritzel was asked by the police “why did you only feed your daughter and grandchildren on sandwiches alone for 24 years?” he replied “because they were inta-bread”

I went to the gym yesterday to try out the new machine they have installed. I could only manage half an hour before I felt sick, it’s good though it’s got Mars Bars, Kit Kats, Crisps, EVERTHING!

Ha-ha you like fucker dumb a is who person retarded another to it send now; this read to trying time fucking your took you. (Now read it backwards)

Last edited by Death_Brinded_Pro (2008-06-02 11:32:07)

Vub
The Power of Two
+188|5828|Sydney, Australia

Nintendogamer wrote:

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child, 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies, ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher, 'If you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies, 'Playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher.. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell 'Blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit '


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
Haha that first one is great!

OK, one day a blonde got desperate for cash and so she decided to try her hand at crime. At the park, she found a little boy and kidnapped him. The blonde then decided to write a ransom note: I am a blonde and I need cash. If you want to see your son alive and well, leave $20000 in a paper bag at Central Park tomorrow lunchtime.

Then true to the virtue of blondes, she decided to send the little boy home with the ransom note.

The next day at lunch time she went to Central Park and lo-and-behold, under the park bench was a bag full of money. On the bag was written "how can you do this to a fellow blonde!"
Mattimus
Wardimus
+16|5158
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
c14u53w172
Member
+31|5331|tomania
why do male albanians have red eyes while having sex? it's because of the pepper spray!

Last edited by c14u53w172 (2008-06-10 03:25:51)

namsdrawkcaB
Biggest n00blet around!
+35|5632
Why do Jew's have big noses?

Because air is free.
Nintendogamer
Member
+72|5920|Chelmsford, UK
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
madmax
Member
+12|5595|perth, w.a.
why is PMS called PMS
coz mad cow's disease was taken

why do woman get thrush
so they know what it's like to live with a irritable cunt

why do women get periods
coz the deserve them
Slarty
Member
+37|5297|Ingerland
A man walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and screams "you have one minute to get out!"

A tortoise at the back shouts "you bastard"
Lynx14
Member
+41|5304
So I'm walking by the mental hospital and I hear a big commotion. All the patients are chanting "13...13...13...". I'm trying to figure out what's going on when I see a little hole in the wall. I put my eye down to the hole and look through the wall when some idiot pokes me in the eye with a stick. Right after this they start chanting "14...14...14...".

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