Sorry Serge! Had to post this one...
Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little kid?
A: Would you like to buy some sweets?
Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little kid?
A: Would you like to buy some sweets?
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"She asked.
"Hunting Flies"He responded.
"Oh! Killed any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded.
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone. "
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"She asked.
"Hunting Flies"He responded.
"Oh! Killed any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded.
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone. "
OMFG I swear to god i had tears running down my face i swear on my life that just made me tear it was so fucking funny oh dear god... that's brilliant!!!misconfiguration wrote:
I had tears coming down my face at work, GREAT ONE +1!!!sergeriver wrote:
Pooping at Work:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
Out of the Closet Pooper
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
The Pooping Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-Cough
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Lol its steve didnt know you come here still btw its matt.zer0fus10n wrote:
OMFG I swear to god i had tears running down my face i swear on my life that just made me tear it was so fucking funny oh dear god... that's brilliant!!!misconfiguration wrote:
I had tears coming down my face at work, GREAT ONE +1!!!sergeriver wrote:
Pooping at Work:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
Out of the Closet Pooper
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
The Pooping Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-Cough
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said "i bet you cant tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
The wife thinks for a few minutes and then says "You're better hung than you"re brother"
The wife thinks for a few minutes and then says "You're better hung than you"re brother"
Why did the woman cross the road?
I don't know.... but why the f*** was she out of the kitchen?
I don't know.... but why the f*** was she out of the kitchen?
So hydrogen and oxygen are sitting in a bar, and gold walks in. Hydrogen goes 'EY YOU! get outta here!
Wow, I actually learned something form basic science.Coolbeano wrote:
So hydrogen and oxygen are sitting in a bar, and gold walks in. Hydrogen goes 'EY YOU! get outta here!
Au
Lawls.
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
The Grass tickles there balls
The Grass tickles there balls
what do you tell a woman who's gone to the hospital twice?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.
Nothing, you've already told her twice.
Why can't women snow board?
Because there isn't any snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Because there isn't any snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
What do you call a guy with his hand in a horses ass ?
Amish Mechanic
Amish Mechanic
Last edited by SEREMAKER (2007-05-25 07:33:34)
So hydrogen and oxygen are sitting in a bar, and their friend copper leaves for the night. Hydrogen goes SEE YOU!
So hydrogen and oxygen are sitting in a bar. Hydrogen asks "Have you seen Helium tonight?" And oxygen points to the table in the corner and says: "HE's there!"
Theres 3 guys in a plane...1 has an apple...1 a banana...1 a grenade...they think they dont need em so they throw em out the window...when they get to their stop they see a guy on the ground hold his head...they ask him whats wrong...he says " THAT FUCKIN THING CAME OUTA NO WHERE!!!!" and pointed at the apple....then they see a guy on his back hurt...they ask him he says..."I slipped on that damn thing!!" and points at the banana...
Then they see a guy laughing like crazy...they ask him whats so funny he says " I farted and blew up my fuckin house!!!!!"
Then they see a guy laughing like crazy...they ask him whats so funny he says " I farted and blew up my fuckin house!!!!!"
loaz niceelite3444 wrote:
Theres 3 guys in a plane...1 has an apple...1 a banana...1 a grenade...they think they dont need em so they throw em out the window...when they get to their stop they see a guy on the ground hold his head...they ask him whats wrong...he says " THAT FUCKIN THING CAME OUTA NO WHERE!!!!" and pointed at the apple....then they see a guy on his back hurt...they ask him he says..."I slipped on that damn thing!!" and points at the banana...
Then they see a guy laughing like crazy...they ask him whats so funny he says " I farted and blew up my fuckin house!!!!!"
u have 3 ladies, a redhead, brunette, and a blonde...
they are at the salon and are talking about what they find in their daughters purses...
the redhead says "i found lipstick in my daughters purse, i think she is kissing guys"
the brunette says "i found make up in my daughters purse, she must be trying to get a guy"
the blonde says "i found condoms in my daughers purse, SHE HAS A PENIS!!!!!"
they are at the salon and are talking about what they find in their daughters purses...
the redhead says "i found lipstick in my daughters purse, i think she is kissing guys"
the brunette says "i found make up in my daughters purse, she must be trying to get a guy"
the blonde says "i found condoms in my daughers purse, SHE HAS A PENIS!!!!!"
41 things to do in a public bathroom
1. Introduce yourself to the guy at the next urinal.
2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied.
3. Order a pizza. (This works great in bars that allow outside food deliveries. Call back the pizza parlor thirty minutes after you place your order, giving them plenty of time to start delivering the pizza, and tell them you can be found in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Refuse to leave until you get your pizza.)
4. Stick your head over an occupied stall and ask for the time.
5. Tell people that they're on TV. Point to some random spot on the far wall and ask them to "smile for the camera".
6. Lie down across all the sinks and pretend to be passed out.
7. Use a stopwatch to time people going to the bathroom. Cheer them on to encourage good performance.
8. Hold your hand in front of a hand dryer while someone's using it.
9. Pour a bucket of water over an occupied stall.
10. Grab someone's ass really hard while they're using a urinal, and see how far you can get before they catch you.
11. Guard the paper towel dispenser in the name of the Earth Liberation Front.
12. Say to the guy at the next urinal: "This is the best part about being gay."
13. Say, "Huh, that's funny. I don't remember eating asparagus."
14. Turn off the faucet while someone's washing their hands. Repeat.
15. Pee on someone's leg and tell them it's raining.
16. Offer to blow-dry other people's hands with your mouth to save energy.
18. Point at someone's crotch while they're using a urinal and yell, "Ha ha, your fly is down!"
19. Put on a hand puppet show underneath the stall next to you.
20. Complain about the size of your penis.
21.While inside the bathroom, ask where the nearest bathroom is. After you've received a puzzled look or response, reply, "I'm not looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom. Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells like shit in here."
22. Demand to know where the glory holes are.
23. Walk up behind someone who's using a urinal and wrap his head in toilet paper.
24. Ask a friend to help you stage a live audio performance of a violent mugging for your unwitting audience inside the stalls. Make sure the final line of dialogue is, "You come out of there and I'll blow your fucking head off."
25. Inside a stall, pretend to be talking to a young child, "That's right Johnny, remember what I told you about unzipping your fly? Oh, now look what you did!" Then slap your hands twice and make crying noises.
26. Hang a realistic dummy from a noose inside one of the stalls as a wacky surprise for the next visitor.
27. Knock on the stall next to you and say, "Do you have enough toilet paper in there? I got plenty if you need some."
28. Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to wipe?"
29. Put up a sign that says, "This is the legally required 'Employees must wash hands' sign which we disregard on a daily basis."
30. Put up a sign that says "Caution: please do not use toilets."
31. Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil.
32. Have (mobile) phone sex while standing at a urinal.
33. Smear peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, drop it between stalls, and curse yourself for being clumsy.
34. Flash people standing just outside the bathroom door. Tell them that you've finally "found the loophole".
35. Pump soap for people, give out paper towels, and demand tips.
36. Wear a camera around your neck and offer to take people's photos for money.
37. When the bathroom is empty, get down on your hands and knees and hold your face over one of the urinals. Wait in that position until someone enters the bathroom. Act as if you're embarrassed to be caught.
38. See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls before someone asks you if you're alright.
39. Whisper, "Now spread your legs, honey. Oh yeah, that's it."
40. Drop a small, unclothed, plastic baby doll in a toilet, along with an ample supply of red food coloring.
41. Identify people who have not washed their hands. Follow them out of the bathroom and publicly announce this fact.
Congratulate yourself aloud on a job well done.
1. Introduce yourself to the guy at the next urinal.
2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied.
3. Order a pizza. (This works great in bars that allow outside food deliveries. Call back the pizza parlor thirty minutes after you place your order, giving them plenty of time to start delivering the pizza, and tell them you can be found in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Refuse to leave until you get your pizza.)
4. Stick your head over an occupied stall and ask for the time.
5. Tell people that they're on TV. Point to some random spot on the far wall and ask them to "smile for the camera".
6. Lie down across all the sinks and pretend to be passed out.
7. Use a stopwatch to time people going to the bathroom. Cheer them on to encourage good performance.
8. Hold your hand in front of a hand dryer while someone's using it.
9. Pour a bucket of water over an occupied stall.
10. Grab someone's ass really hard while they're using a urinal, and see how far you can get before they catch you.
11. Guard the paper towel dispenser in the name of the Earth Liberation Front.
12. Say to the guy at the next urinal: "This is the best part about being gay."
13. Say, "Huh, that's funny. I don't remember eating asparagus."
14. Turn off the faucet while someone's washing their hands. Repeat.
15. Pee on someone's leg and tell them it's raining.
16. Offer to blow-dry other people's hands with your mouth to save energy.
18. Point at someone's crotch while they're using a urinal and yell, "Ha ha, your fly is down!"
19. Put on a hand puppet show underneath the stall next to you.
20. Complain about the size of your penis.
21.While inside the bathroom, ask where the nearest bathroom is. After you've received a puzzled look or response, reply, "I'm not looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom. Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells like shit in here."
22. Demand to know where the glory holes are.
23. Walk up behind someone who's using a urinal and wrap his head in toilet paper.
24. Ask a friend to help you stage a live audio performance of a violent mugging for your unwitting audience inside the stalls. Make sure the final line of dialogue is, "You come out of there and I'll blow your fucking head off."
25. Inside a stall, pretend to be talking to a young child, "That's right Johnny, remember what I told you about unzipping your fly? Oh, now look what you did!" Then slap your hands twice and make crying noises.
26. Hang a realistic dummy from a noose inside one of the stalls as a wacky surprise for the next visitor.
27. Knock on the stall next to you and say, "Do you have enough toilet paper in there? I got plenty if you need some."
28. Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to wipe?"
29. Put up a sign that says, "This is the legally required 'Employees must wash hands' sign which we disregard on a daily basis."
30. Put up a sign that says "Caution: please do not use toilets."
31. Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil.
32. Have (mobile) phone sex while standing at a urinal.
33. Smear peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, drop it between stalls, and curse yourself for being clumsy.
34. Flash people standing just outside the bathroom door. Tell them that you've finally "found the loophole".
35. Pump soap for people, give out paper towels, and demand tips.
36. Wear a camera around your neck and offer to take people's photos for money.
37. When the bathroom is empty, get down on your hands and knees and hold your face over one of the urinals. Wait in that position until someone enters the bathroom. Act as if you're embarrassed to be caught.
38. See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls before someone asks you if you're alright.
39. Whisper, "Now spread your legs, honey. Oh yeah, that's it."
40. Drop a small, unclothed, plastic baby doll in a toilet, along with an ample supply of red food coloring.
41. Identify people who have not washed their hands. Follow them out of the bathroom and publicly announce this fact.
Congratulate yourself aloud on a job well done.
Dude....
I LOVE IT. Crazy bathroom tips.
I LOVE IT. Crazy bathroom tips.
31. Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil. trust me motor oil is not fun AHAH
and lulz on 22. Demand to know where the glory holes are.
and lulz on 22. Demand to know where the glory holes are.
2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied.
done that before. soooo funny when they come out.
done that before. soooo funny when they come out.
BATHROOM TIPS HILARIOUS!! i only turn the lights out when i leave lol
I say anyone in here? and even if someone answers i turn the light off
I say anyone in here? and even if someone answers i turn the light off
Im sorry this is really gay but why r pirates pirates?
Cause they arrrrrrrr!!
Cause they arrrrrrrr!!