BF2S Forums Joke Monday

Boomer1120 wrote:

mondays suck.. Joke time!!


Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
> golf.....
>
> Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
> through the ......

I know where you got that

How do you know it's time to go to bed in Neverland?

The big hand touches the little hand....

a man goes into a pub and has a few ints.
after he is finished he asks the barman if he can do the crossword.
the barman asks "first answer this. why does sheep shit come out in little dottles?"
"dunno"
"why does cow dung come out in a pat"
"dunno"
"well if u dont know shit then you cant do the crossword!"

Alright, the funniest joke i know:

Old lady goes to the doctor and say "Doctor i've got a terrible problem.  I fart all the time.  Luckily they're not very noisy and they don't smell at all"

The doctor ponders for a moment and replies "Ah, I know what we can do for you" and pull out some medicine.  "Take two of these a day and come back in a month".

A month later the old lady is back in the doctors office.  When the doctor arrives she bursts out "Oh my god doctor, what have you done to me?!"

Puzzled, the doctor replies "What do you mean?"

"Well I still fart all the time.  And yes, they still aren't very loud...but now they smell SOOO bad!!"

"Well" replies the doctor.  "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses let's see if we can get you fitted for a hearing aid".

A successful CEO of a prominent company has a drop-dead gorgeous secretary, but has a wife at home.  One day, his secretary starts dropping hints that she would like very much to sleep with him.  So, he decides to call it a day and take her back to her place for a little fun.

After they finish he starts getting dressed and heads for the door.  Right before he leaves, he thinks to ask her:

CEO: "Do you happen to have any baby powder?"
Secretary: "Sure, here you go."

She hands him the baby powder and he sprinkles it on his hands and rubs it into his shirt and finishes by wiping his hands on his pants.  He leaves for home.

Once he arrives at home, his wife has made dinner already and is waiting for him.

Wife:  "Where have you been?  I've had dinner ready for over half an hour!"
CEO:  "Sorry I'm late, honey.  My gorgeous secretary invited me to her place for some fabulous sex."
Wife:  "Whatever.  I see that baby powder all over your shirt and pants- you went out bowling with your friends from work again, didn't you?"

Ok, been a while since I wrote this joke out, but here goes:

>>>>>
A man was driving on a dirt road when his car broke down in the middle of nowhere as the sun was setting, but he saw a farmhouse in the distance, so he decided to walk to it.  Unfortunately, it was a very long way to the farmhouse, and by the time he got there, he was tired and hungry.  So he knocked on the door and a Chinese man answered.  He explained his situation to the Chinese man, and asked if he could have some food and shelter for the night, and then use a phone in the morning.  The Chinese man agreed, but said that the man must swear that he wouldn't lay a hand on his daughter, which the man agreed to.

At dinner, there was the most beautiful woman sitting across from the man that flirted with him all night when the Chinese man wasn't looking.  The guest assumed that the woman was the daughter, and despite the warning that the Chinese man had given him, the man snuck out of his room later that night and had the best sex of his life with the woman.

The next morning, the man woke up on his back in a bedroom on the top floor of the farmhouse, and immediately saw a 150-lb boulder sitting on his chest.  There was a note attached to the boulder, which read "You have betrayed my trust.  I know you slept with my daughter last night, and as punishment you must endure the three Chinese torture tests.  Torture test #1: You must throw the boulder out the window."

The man reasoned that he didn't really have much choice in the matter, so, with some difficulty, he managed to heave the boulder out of the only window in the room.  Then he saw another note taped to the windowsill which read, "Torture test #2:  The boulder is tied to your right testicle."

The man paniced and looked down and saw the quickly vanishing slack that was indeed tied to his right testicle.  So, the man quickly jumped out the window to avoid finding out what would happen if the slack ran out.  Then, he saw a huge sign on the ground.  It read, "Torture test #3: Your left testicle is tied to the windowsill."

man i got another 1 all the sudden. here it goes...

in MCRD san diego, where the marine undergo the harsh training to be a marine.

one day its the drill day, meaning its the time where the marines has to drill to perfection so that their CO would impress. but because this always happen every week, the CO decided to test them. he inspect the recruits one by one and stumble across a guy with a stomach problem, the CO punch that recruit as hard as he can. The recruit stumbles and catch on his  breath, the CO asked," does it hurt?" and the recruit said," no sir!" "why?" "Cause im a marine!" and then the CO moved to the other recruit and see he has a knee problem. so he kicked that recruit's knee as hard as he can. the recruit fell and got up again. the CO asked," does it hurt?" "No sir!" "Why?" "Cause im a marine!" so the CO movin on. on the end of the line, he saw a guy with his crotch swinging around. so the CO kicked the recruit's balls as hard as he can. but the guy still standing still. the CO asked," does it hurt?" "No sir!" "Why?" "Cause it was his sir!" (pointing to the guy to the back.)

A General is assaign to his new detail in the middle of the desert.  He arrives to find an all male base with the nearest town 50 miles away.  He settles in, but after 8 months, he finds himself yearning for some "female company" 
He calls his must trusted Col. in.
 
"So Col. What do the men do for *ahem* female company?"

The Col. replies sharply. "Sir, you need a visit to the camel."

Disgusted at the thought of beastiality, the General dismisses his trusted Col. with a tarnished look.

The general survives another 8 months or so before the urges take over again.  This time he calls in a Capt.  Again he requests some source of female attention.

The Capt. replies. "Sir, you need a visit to the camel."

The General is again disturbed by the suggestion of making love to a camel.  He shoo's the Capt. from his office.

By 2 years into his tour, the General has turned into a complete horndawg, hell bent on sex.  He calls in the Sgt Major and tells him to set him up with a camel date.  The Sgt Major complies and tells the General that the camel will be ready for him right before noon formation.

The General eagerly prepares for his "date".  He dresses in Class A's and ensures he looks his best.  He arrives at the camel barn just prior to formation.  As he steps inside and closes the barn door, he notices a big camel with very nice tack and harness waiting for him.

The General thinks to himself, "Well a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do."   With this mentality he proceeds to strip and have his way with the camel.

About halfway through the ordeal, the General finds himself having a GREAT time!  He begins grunting and making all sorts of kinky talk (let your imagination run wild here).

When he finishes, he walks to the barn door.  Disheveled, sweaty, and dirty, he opens the barn door to find the entire corp standing at attention, looking back at him.  Every eye in the corp is on the general, all staring like a deer in headlights.

No one speaks for some time.  Then the trusted Col. steps up to the General, leans in and whispers.

"Sir, don't you want to ride the camel into town for the whores like everyone else?"

KJ

What did the bird say when it flew over a JEW?
cheap cheap

blademaster wrote:

What did the bird say when it flew over a JEW?
cheap cheap

good one Hitler

Three guys stand on the roof of a tall office building. One of them says, "Hey guys, did you know an invisible angel guards this building?"
The second guy goes, "Yeah right"
-"No really, if I jump off the ledge the angel will catch me and put me back on the roof"
The second guy chuckles and says "Sure, show me"
So the first guy takes a running jump off the building, stalls in mid-air, floats back to the roof and touches down unharmed.
The second guy thinks, hey, I can do that too!
So he takes a running jump and plummets to his violent death.
The third guy says, "Superman, you're such a dick sometimes"

LaidBackNinja wrote:

.......
The third guy says, "Superman, you're such a dick sometimes"

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

This topic is superB.

Last edited by Poncho (2006-04-03 08:19:58)