BF2S Forums Best best joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


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The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock"
scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the
classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now
we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our
eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on
the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the
children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very
slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their
eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But
below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes
again!"


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Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.

I headed straight out the front door...............
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Signed,

Confused

Last edited by PeoNinja (2008-04-01 22:04:26)

clogar wrote:

30 Things To Do In An Exam When You Know You're Going To Fail It Anyways:

...

24. Masturbate.

....

Best joke of all time?



























France.

An old man walks into a bar and calls the bartender over. “What do you want, Sir?” ..The old man says “I’ll make a bet with you!” The bartender says “what kind of bet” the old man says. “ I bet you $20 I can bit my own ass”. The bartender says “OK; I’ll take that bet“. The old man pulls his dentures out and reaches back and bites him self on the ass. Well the bartender gets upset. The old man tells the bartender “don’t worry I’ll give you a chance to win your money back “I’ll bet you $40 that I can bit my own eye“! . The bartender upset said your not going to pull your teeth out are you?” The old man says “Nope”. The bartender says. Well OK. The old man pop’s out his fake eye and bits down on it. . The bartender gets really pissed now and walks away. . Later the old man walks up to the bar and calls the bartender over and says “I feel really bad about what I did and I want to make it up to you. The bartender reluctantly asked “how”? The old man say I bet you I can stand at the end of your bar and piss in that shot glass all the way at the other end of your bar? . The bartender thinks about it for a bit thinking there’s no way. So he agrees. The old man climbs up onto the bar and drops his pants. As the old man try’s all he does is piss all over everything. The bar, stools and bottles as the bartender laughs his ass off. When the old man was done he climbed down and pulled up his pants. The bartender walks up still laughing and picks his money up saying to the old man. I hope you learned your lesson old man. The old man grins a little and leans over to the bartender saying, I did. You see those guys in the corner? I bet them a $1,000.00 I could piss all over your bar and you’d just laugh your ass off about it.

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

A man in desperation rings his mrs from the A+E of an hospital.

"Shit love, Ive cut my finger really bad with the circular saw in work its fucked"

"Oh no" she says "The Whole finger"?

"No" he replies, "The one next to it".

How do you turn a washing machine into a snowblower?










give her a shovel

Poor pregnancy test instructions:
1- Peel a banana
2- Insert the banana in the vagina
3- Remove the banana

Checking the results. If theres a bite on the banana you are pregnant, if the banana is complete theres no  baby.

The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents.
















Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.















* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms.















He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.















He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.















* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack.















The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.















* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door.















"Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated.















The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.















* * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.
















* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
















* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious.
















* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist.

Some short but sweet Tim Vine jokes.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

This really should be in the Best Worst Joke thread but cant find it. Shame it is not a sticky.

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An old Austrian proverb says.... Women are like a fine red wine... best left to mature in the cellar.
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British bookings for stag nights in Austria have dropped off as it turns out that it's true, Austrian fathers really do lock up their daughters!
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"The Sound of Music 2" will be released soon featuring the 'Von Trapped' family... Should be good as it's taken 24 years to complete in a secret Austrian basement.

A pirate is walking down the street, minding his own business when a curious woman stops him.

"Excuse me," she says, "but you are a pirate, right?"

"Yes." replies the pirate.

"Well then, where are your buccaneers?" asks the woman.

"Under my bucking hat."