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Cucked by a cat

SuperJail Warden wrote:

Cucked by a cat

i did speak with my family about it, to get some outside perspective. obviously, it's been a long, hot, humid summer, with lots of time spent inside this 'new' home for one reason and another. it's been a pressure cooker, and the cat has been front and centre when i'd really rather have focused on any number of other, positive, feelgood aspects about just owning a new home. the other half has spent more time shopping around for new cat toys to keep her engrossed than she has for actual human furnishings. meh.

it was understood before we attempted moving in together, that i would be willing to try all the medication and allergy shots on offer by the japanese healthcare system (within reason; i wasn't prepared to spend $10,000s a year in expensive private treatments when that money could and should go towards, e.g., family planning or something). but if my health was still a problem, months in, she would get rid of it.

turns out, it's not my allergies, it's her cat's insane (lack of) training and socialisation. and she's not prepared to get rid of it for that reason. the cat was adopted from a shelter from kitten age in the first place, so maybe it has these attachment/abandonment issues 'baked in' to the firmware at BIOS flash v0.1. i don't know. but back to a shelter she will not send it. the alternative is i go back to the night-time entrepôts and bordellos, back to my street cat ways.

Last edited by uziq (2025-09-02 19:31:21)

totally agree that we need a break. i did propose a long weekend away together, but i'm now thinking we need a proper de-escalation and to spend some proper time apart. i do need rest, i've been very self-aware of the fact that i'm operating way below optimal 'patient and understanding partner' levels at this point. initially, yes; now, i'm frayed, and i can be a bolshy little bastard at the best of times.

she did do a consultation with a trainer over the phone, which overall she seemed to think was good (probably because she said many placating things like "this is a very common scenario"), but i personally had my doubts. the advice seemed a bit wishy-washy when what i was expecting was something like a plan or regimen to get this thing into order. 'maybe it's crying because it doesn't like being locked up' was not exactly the nugget of insight i was hoping for, considering that when it wasn't locked up it still cried ... just right outside the bloody bedroom instead. the proposed strategy of 'give the cat everything it needs to be as relaxed, engaged and stress-free as possible' isn't quite music to my ears, considering at the moment all of those things come at the expense of my relaxation, concentration, and cortisol levels.

this cat is definitely over-attached. if my girlfriend goes to the toilet, it follows. if she takes a shower or brushes her teeth, it sits outside the bathroom door (that is, if its pawing can't open it so the cat can also be in the fucking wetroom with her). obviously when she comes to bed at the end of the night, the cat wants to follow where it isn't allowed. my girlfriend WFHs very often so the cat spends the majority of its life days sleeping on the chair with her basically, or sat on the desk, right there. inseparable.

the unfortunate thing is that i'm basically discovering my partner is emotionally over-wedded to this thing, too. not a good situation to be in, perched on the edge of things, very far away from home or an easy 'plan B'. she is slowly realising that she is emotionally unable to send it away to a pet minder for a few weeks ... at my increasing frustration and despair. i've been floating the idea of the cat being out the picture temporarily ever since week 1, when we encountered initial difficulties; but she didn't take any action. now in our latest round of bickering it turns out it's my fault for not 'coming up with concrete options' – but it's her pet, and i would feel wrong pressing a list of google'd homes or petminders on her ... she's been avoidant, in other words, and not wanting to do the difficult thing that might actually benefit our relationship.

now, i would never want my partner to give up their pet, it seems like a monstrous situation all round, but it's also slightly lacerating to realise that moving in with a cat is very much like marrying someone with kids from a pre-existing marriage. not an unworkable or necessarily unpleasant situation ... but the 'new relationship, new home, bright future together' thing has been demoted somewhat. it's now morphing into 'you're the one who needs to adapt and find a way to fit in with cat person's previous 15-year-plan'.

i think my partner fell into this emotional dynamic with the cat for a whole bunch of reasons. most busy corporate types in tokyo are chronically lonely. her family are up north in the boonies and not really around – and they don't sound particularly close anyway. her dating life was apparently in a bit of a nadir for a few years (she lived in new york for most of her 20s and only recently returned to japan, which was a life shock in-itself, i guess). for one reason and another, she found herself lonely and adjusting to a hard new reality 'back home'. and then covid ... enter the cat.

Last edited by uziq (2025-09-03 06:03:11)