My Mom always said that my casual encounters with the hogs on craigs list and copious consumption of all things bacon would come back to haunt me someday. It seems as if she was on to something, as I recently contracted the disease known as H1N1. I will now document my trying ordeal and struggle for survival.
Day One:
I awoke feeling a bit snotty and lethargic. Knowing that a close member of my family had the pork flu, and that the bastard had been spitting in my Cap'n Crunch, I did the math. I had a baseball game that day, and felt a bit down during the game. I dropped an easy grounder, but everyone knows that fielding is for assholes. The true pantie moistening comes from the long balls. I decided that burritos were the cure, and had a pleasant dinner drenched in hot sauce.
Day Two:
I awoke feeling like I had crawled out of a horses anus. I spewed snot, ached all over, and barely had the energy to beat my girlfriend. I spent the day in bed watching court room shows and playing video games. It would have been a pretty awesome day, if not for the 7 pounds of snot my face produced on an hourly basis. I ate Ramen noodles, cheese, and crackers because no one was around me to feed me.
Day Three:
I awoke feeling my face had been the target for a record setting bukkake marathon. Again, I spewed snot and ached from head to toe. I spent the day wondering why black people only litigate on television and played video games. I ate Ramen because I had no women within striking distance to feed me. I considered wacking off, but decided I was to weak. This speaks volumes as to how dire the situation had become.
Day Four:
I awoke feeling a little better, less sweaty, and much less snotty. I knew I wasn't well, but decided to go to work anyhow. This may be my only chance to infect that asshole Dave from accounting. I rubbed disease all over his keyboard and stuffed a few of his pens up my nose.
Day Five:
I was back to my normal arrogant, racist, and antagonistic ways. I had survived.
What I learned:
Hog flu is a lie. It is sensationalistic bullshit perpetuated by the media to panic middle age housewives who have no real problems so they need someone to create them for them. If you get the hog flu you'll snot it out and be just fine. Shove your hand sanitizer up your ass and stop being a pussy.
Thank you
Day One:
I awoke feeling a bit snotty and lethargic. Knowing that a close member of my family had the pork flu, and that the bastard had been spitting in my Cap'n Crunch, I did the math. I had a baseball game that day, and felt a bit down during the game. I dropped an easy grounder, but everyone knows that fielding is for assholes. The true pantie moistening comes from the long balls. I decided that burritos were the cure, and had a pleasant dinner drenched in hot sauce.
Day Two:
I awoke feeling like I had crawled out of a horses anus. I spewed snot, ached all over, and barely had the energy to beat my girlfriend. I spent the day in bed watching court room shows and playing video games. It would have been a pretty awesome day, if not for the 7 pounds of snot my face produced on an hourly basis. I ate Ramen noodles, cheese, and crackers because no one was around me to feed me.
Day Three:
I awoke feeling my face had been the target for a record setting bukkake marathon. Again, I spewed snot and ached from head to toe. I spent the day wondering why black people only litigate on television and played video games. I ate Ramen because I had no women within striking distance to feed me. I considered wacking off, but decided I was to weak. This speaks volumes as to how dire the situation had become.
Day Four:
I awoke feeling a little better, less sweaty, and much less snotty. I knew I wasn't well, but decided to go to work anyhow. This may be my only chance to infect that asshole Dave from accounting. I rubbed disease all over his keyboard and stuffed a few of his pens up my nose.
Day Five:
I was back to my normal arrogant, racist, and antagonistic ways. I had survived.
What I learned:
Hog flu is a lie. It is sensationalistic bullshit perpetuated by the media to panic middle age housewives who have no real problems so they need someone to create them for them. If you get the hog flu you'll snot it out and be just fine. Shove your hand sanitizer up your ass and stop being a pussy.
Thank you
