BF2S Forums Someone I know has issues at home, should I help?

And by the way, I hate to admit this in a public forum, and I expect that you'll all act like adults when I tell you this, but when I was married my wife used to beat the shit out of me. And I'm not kidding or making light of spousal abuse, I'm telling y'all to prove a point.

She was about 5'1", and weighed all of maybe 110 pounds. I outweighed her by 50 pounds and all mine was muscle. Still, she beat me silly. I used to sleep in another room and pile up coke cans at the door so that if she got past the lock I'd wake up. I got that scared.

I know you're sitting here going "what a dipshit" or "bullshit" or "how the hell do you let that happen". Well, let me tell you. The first time she did it I was shocked. I almost hauled off and hit back, but I was raised never to hit a woman. So she cried and apologized and we made up and blah, blah, blah, and I thought it was an isolated freak-out incident that would never happen again.

Well, a month later she hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Knocked me out.

I know you're thinking "dumbass, you should have left her immediately," and I would have but you know, at the time you're married and you have a life and you think maybe she just needs Prozac, and maybe she'll get better and all that shit and really your judgment is so fucking clouded you just try to work through it, assuming the person cares about you and that it'll get better. You don't realize that it CAN'T get better. Man I went to work (I was a stockbroker for 8 years) with a scratch on my face that I said was from getting rough with the dog. It was pathetic.

About once a month she just went crazy for no frigging good reason and would take whatever was handy and fuck me up with it, or break something of mine or throw something through the TV or whatever. It was bad.

Finally I told my Dad one day. It was really fucking depressing when he said "Aw bullshit Bob, the girl weighs 100 pounds. There's no way that little girl is getting physical with you, you work out every day." Man that was a low point for me. And I'm a guy who hunts, works out, was a Kenpo guy in high school, played on an adult rugby team. It really has nothing to do with anything other than your immediate circumstance.

Anyway, finally one night when my brother and his wife were in town she went off for no good reason and threw a full glass of wine at my face, and it broke on the side of head. I was never so happy that someone finally got to see it so I could walk away and everyone would know why.

I would never let myself get into a situation like that again but I have sympathy for some poor chick who lives with a guy who makes all the money, who is outsized by a half a hundred pounds, who has nowhere else to go, who gets the shit beaten out of her. You have to see what kind of a hopeless situation she thinks she's in. I was the breadwinner, didn't need her or her money, was ripped and she was tiny, and I STILL let it go on because I was married and didn't want to get divorced and thought that she was a basically good person who just had issues that she needed to work through. In retrospect, that's a problem that can't be fixed and I needed to move on, but when you're wrapped up in a situation and there's nobody there to help, it's hard to extricate yourself.

At THE VERY LEAST, tell her you're there for her and that if she really wants out of a bad situation, you believe in her and you'll help her. That might give her the wherewithal to leave of her own accord without your help. Feeling alone in a fucked up situation like that is bad. Really bad.

Dersmikner wrote:

And by the way, I hate to admit this in a public forum, and I expect that you'll all act like adults when I tell you this, but when I was married my wife used to beat the shit out of me. And I'm not kidding or making light of spousal abuse, I'm telling y'all to prove a point.

She was about 5'1", and weighed all of maybe 110 pounds. I outweighed her by 50 pounds and all mine was muscle. Still, she beat me silly. I used to sleep in another room and pile up coke cans at the door so that if she got past the lock I'd wake up. I got that scared.

I know you're sitting here going "what a dipshit" or "bullshit" or "how the hell do you let that happen". Well, let me tell you. The first time she did it I was shocked. I almost hauled off and hit back, but I was raised never to hit a woman. So she cried and apologized and we made up and blah, blah, blah, and I thought it was an isolated freak-out incident that would never happen again.

Well, a month later she hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Knocked me out.

I know you're thinking "dumbass, you should have left her immediately," and I would have but you know, at the time you're married and you have a life and you think maybe she just needs Prozac, and maybe she'll get better and all that shit and really your judgment is so fucking clouded you just try to work through it, assuming the person cares about you and that it'll get better. You don't realize that it CAN'T get better. Man I went to work (I was a stockbroker for 8 years) with a scratch on my face that I said was from getting rough with the dog. It was pathetic.

About once a month she just went crazy for no frigging good reason and would take whatever was handy and fuck me up with it, or break something of mine or throw something through the TV or whatever. It was bad.

Finally I told my Dad one day. It was really fucking depressing when he said "Aw bullshit Bob, the girl weighs 100 pounds. There's no way that little girl is getting physical with you, you work out every day." Man that was a low point for me. And I'm a guy who hunts, works out, was a Kenpo guy in high school, played on an adult rugby team. It really has nothing to do with anything other than your immediate circumstance.

Anyway, finally one night when my brother and his wife were in town she went off for no good reason and threw a full glass of wine at my face, and it broke on the side of head. I was never so happy that someone finally got to see it so I could walk away and everyone would know why.

I would never let myself get into a situation like that again but I have sympathy for some poor chick who lives with a guy who makes all the money, who is outsized by a half a hundred pounds, who has nowhere else to go, who gets the shit beaten out of her. You have to see what kind of a hopeless situation she thinks she's in. I was the breadwinner, didn't need her or her money, was ripped and she was tiny, and I STILL let it go on because I was married and didn't want to get divorced and thought that she was a basically good person who just had issues that she needed to work through. In retrospect, that's a problem that can't be fixed and I needed to move on, but when you're wrapped up in a situation and there's nobody there to help, it's hard to extricate yourself.

At THE VERY LEAST, tell her you're there for her and that if she really wants out of a bad situation, you believe in her and you'll help her. That might give her the wherewithal to leave of her own accord without your help. Feeling alone in a fucked up situation like that is bad. Really bad.

Respect for sharing that experience.

No, because if you try and mess about you could be the cause of one of them leaving the house and you will never forgive yourself.

Kmarion wrote:

She has children. That should be the approach you should take in helping her understand how dangerous the situation is. IMO.

I decided that I won't be directly involved in this.  My friend and her wife went to the cops and told them everything.  Now, it's up to the woman to accept being helped.  I find her situation very sad, but unfortunately I can't do anything if she doesn't want help.  And besides, I have a family and that's my first concern.

Last edited by sergeriver (2007-12-17 09:44:14)

Dersmikner wrote:

Cougar wrote:

Leave her alone.  You wouldn't like it very much if you were trying to beat your wife and some peepsqueak kept stickin his nose in your business.

"wouldn't like it"?!  prreettty sure the wife doesn't "like" getting beat, and isn't she the one we are worried about?

what if it was a case of sexually abused kids?  those parents wouldn't like anyone in their business either, but i don't give a shit what the parents "like".  i am concerned about the best interest of the kids, or in this case, the wife.

Sarcasm much?

Dersmikner wrote:

And by the way, I hate to admit this in a public forum, and I expect that you'll all act like adults when I tell you this, but when I was married my wife used to beat the shit out of me. And I'm not kidding or making light of spousal abuse, I'm telling y'all to prove a point.

She was about 5'1", and weighed all of maybe 110 pounds. I outweighed her by 50 pounds and all mine was muscle. Still, she beat me silly. I used to sleep in another room and pile up coke cans at the door so that if she got past the lock I'd wake up. I got that scared.

I know you're sitting here going "what a dipshit" or "bullshit" or "how the hell do you let that happen". Well, let me tell you. The first time she did it I was shocked. I almost hauled off and hit back, but I was raised never to hit a woman. So she cried and apologized and we made up and blah, blah, blah, and I thought it was an isolated freak-out incident that would never happen again.

Well, a month later she hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Knocked me out.

I know you're thinking "dumbass, you should have left her immediately," and I would have but you know, at the time you're married and you have a life and you think maybe she just needs Prozac, and maybe she'll get better and all that shit and really your judgment is so fucking clouded you just try to work through it, assuming the person cares about you and that it'll get better. You don't realize that it CAN'T get better. Man I went to work (I was a stockbroker for 8 years) with a scratch on my face that I said was from getting rough with the dog. It was pathetic.

About once a month she just went crazy for no frigging good reason and would take whatever was handy and fuck me up with it, or break something of mine or throw something through the TV or whatever. It was bad.

Finally I told my Dad one day. It was really fucking depressing when he said "Aw bullshit Bob, the girl weighs 100 pounds. There's no way that little girl is getting physical with you, you work out every day." Man that was a low point for me. And I'm a guy who hunts, works out, was a Kenpo guy in high school, played on an adult rugby team. It really has nothing to do with anything other than your immediate circumstance.

Anyway, finally one night when my brother and his wife were in town she went off for no good reason and threw a full glass of wine at my face, and it broke on the side of head. I was never so happy that someone finally got to see it so I could walk away and everyone would know why.

I would never let myself get into a situation like that again but I have sympathy for some poor chick who lives with a guy who makes all the money, who is outsized by a half a hundred pounds, who has nowhere else to go, who gets the shit beaten out of her. You have to see what kind of a hopeless situation she thinks she's in. I was the breadwinner, didn't need her or her money, was ripped and she was tiny, and I STILL let it go on because I was married and didn't want to get divorced and thought that she was a basically good person who just had issues that she needed to work through. In retrospect, that's a problem that can't be fixed and I needed to move on, but when you're wrapped up in a situation and there's nobody there to help, it's hard to extricate yourself.

At THE VERY LEAST, tell her you're there for her and that if she really wants out of a bad situation, you believe in her and you'll help her. That might give her the wherewithal to leave of her own accord without your help. Feeling alone in a fucked up situation like that is bad. Really bad.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!  GET OUTTA HERE!!!  You seriously got the shit beaten out of you by a 5 foot, 110lb woman?   AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

No respect.

Yes, I got my ass kicked by a 110 pound smoking hot tiny little former college cheerleader who was a ball of hate. I'm really not even embarrassed by it anymore. I was trying to make my marriage work, I didn't want to leave her, I loved her and thought that she could get better and would with my help and I was in a strange situation and made what at the time seemed like the right call; tough it out and hope things get better. Things didn't. She had a drinking problem and we were like oil and water. She contacted me a few months ago (12 years later) and she has a husband and three kids and is in AA and hasn't had anything to drink in like 5 years. I wasn't the guy who she cared enough about to quit drinking and someone else was. Not much else to it than that.

The reason I said something was to let everyone here know that it's not all black and white, cut and dried, and unless oyu are in the situation it's really hard to know what everyone involved is going through and thinking.

I can't imagine that the guys who sit around the campfire with me on hunting trips taking tequila shots and chewing tobacco would ever imagine that I got the shit beaten out of me by a little princess, but that's the way it was.

Hopefully somebody here realizes that just one person can help...

Cougar wrote:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!  GET OUTTA HERE!!!  You seriously got the shit beaten out of you by a 5 foot, 110lb woman?   AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

No respect.

you're an asshole whether you were joking or not.i hope you feel as stupid as you just made yourself look.

Tough crowd.  Good thing I was paid in advance, that gives me the right to not care

Thorax wrote:

Tough crowd.  Good thing I was paid in advance, that gives me the right to not care

o.O

Dersmikner wrote:

And by the way, I hate to admit this in a public forum, and I expect that you'll all act like adults when I tell you this, but when I was married my wife used to beat the shit out of me. And I'm not kidding or making light of spousal abuse, I'm telling y'all to prove a point.

Respect.