BF2S Forums The Funny Lists Thread

The three kinds of people in this world:

1. People who can count.

2. People who can't.

Junk mail:

Things to do when you're stuck in traffic...

• Honk your horn (old favourite)
• Sing to the song on the radio
• Sing to the song on the radio of the car beside you
• Make up your own song to sing
• Put on a Barry Manilow tape/CD/8-track (it is suggested that you try everything else on this list before you try this one!)
• Play the drums on the steering wheel along with the song
• Lay the seat back down until it is horizontal and do sit-ups
• Use your windscreen washer until it runs out of water
• Get out of your car and jog in circles around it, occasionally pausing and leaning on the surrounding cars to stretch your calf muscles
• Get out of your car, shout "Taxi!" and then stand waiting for one.
• Drive backwards and forwards in the space you have until your car runs out of petrol
• Jump out of your car and shout "Everbody slow down! You're freaking me out!" (It's best to look really upset for this one)
• Get out of your car, walk to the car in front of you and ask the driver if you can join them. Regardless of their response, get in the car and starttalking about the most annoying subject you can think of until they kick you out. Repeat this proces with every car in front of yours. When you reach the car at the front of the line, kick the driver out and drive off
• Ask the driver of each car if they want their windscreen washed for $5. If they do, reach in and turn on their windscreen wipers
• Start playing the theme from Mission Impossible and run between the cars, occasionally diving to the ground and rolling underneath them. When the song ends, casually walk back to your car and get in, acting as though it wasn't you
• Sit on your head
• If you have electric windows, wind the window up and down continuously, all the time watching it as if it's possessed
• If you have a CB radio, select an open channel and start speaking in martian
• Climb onto the roof of your car and start reading the newspaper to the cars behind you. If you don't have a newspaper, use your car's manual
• Pretend you're Al Unser Jr racing at Indianapolis (include sound effects)
• Fart, then blame it on the guy in front of you
• Pretend you're doing the traffic report from a helicopter
• Pretend you are a helicopter
• Write a suicide note, randomly pick a car, give the note to the driver and then lie in front of their car
• Snore
• Pretend you're the commentator from your favourite sporting event from history
• Sit calmly in your car and then act as if the car's been rear-ended (throw yourself about in the car)and then abuse the guy behind you and complain about the damage
• Practice your opera singing
• Walk amongst the cars trying to make words starting with the letters on the number plates
• If you have a mobile phone/car phone, find a vehicle with a phone number on it and dial that number
• Walk through the cars and laugh at anyone driving cars such as Volvos, Goggomobiles, etc
• Rewire your car stereo system
• Rewire the neighbouring car's stereo system
• Turn on the airconditioning to cool down the radiator (connect a pipe from the vent and make it blow on the radiator)
• Get out of your car and run screaming from the giant alien spaceships that just began blowing up the nearby buidings
• Turn off your air conditioning (if you have it!) and find another car that has it and share with the driver your theory of relativity
• If you have a sunroof, shout "up periscope!" and stick your head through the sunroof, look around, shout "down periscope!" and sit back down
• Drink plenty of fluids and then run through the cars asking each driver "can I use your toilet?"
• Get out of your car, find a nearby phone booth, change into your superman costume and fly off into the sky
• Ask each driver if they would like some bacon & eggs while they wait. If they say "yes", proceed to cook it on their engine block
• Pick out a car, ask the driver if you can measure their steering wheel. Before they answer, put your steering wheel lock in their steering wheel, lock it and say "Hey, it's the same size as mine" and walk off
• Try swapping adjacent cars' hubcaps over
• Let the air out of the tyres of the car next to yours, breathing it in as it comes out. Then try and blow it back up again
• Get in the car next to yours, fart, and get out
• Headbutt the steering wheel, making sure the horn honks each time
• Using any object that even closely resembles a microphone, start interviewing the other drivers about an imaginary crime
• Pretend you're filming the new Lethal Weapon movie (it helps to have your own Uzi)
• Pretend you're filming the Basic Instinct sequel (eg run naked through the cars carrying an ice pick)
• Rotate your tyres so they get even wear
• Flick peas in to your neighbour's car by rolling them from the sunroof down the windscreen on to your windscreen wipers. Use both wipers for multifire
• Flick your headlights on & off indicating you wish to overtake the car in front
• Get everyone to floor the accelerator while in neutral and give a prize to the person whose engine lasts longest
• Pretend you're driving a monster truck and attempt to drive over all the cars in front of you.
• Hitch a ride with a passing snail
• See how many other cars your keys will unlock/start
• Swap number plates with the car in front
• If there is a limo nearby, do a blowfish on one of the windows
• If there is a limo nearby, ask them if you can watch TV with them. If theydecline, refer to the previous item and then bend their TV antenna
• Find a car with an identification ball on the aerial (the one's the ownersuse to find their car) and take it off and put it on an identical car
• Pick a fight with another driver, when he gets out of his car, lock thedoor, close it and run
• Approach the driver of a sedan, ask them to open their boot. When they do,mumble something about not paying for the drive-ins and jump in their boot and close it
• Find some people having a domestic argument, watch them until they are finished, applaud, tell them how enjoyable watching them was and then go back to your car and try to re-enact it
• Stand next to the engine and use one of the spark plugs to try andignite a fart

Great Reasons To Be A Guy:

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Rules for Men:

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

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Rules for Women:

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

Women Guide to Male English:

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Women and Dogs:

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN...

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.


HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE...

Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.


HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS...

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.

9 posts in a row? GG

ATM:

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Leave

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because she’s too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit “cancel”

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

12a. Hit “cancel”

12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Understanding a Woman


We need      REALLY MEANS     I want
 
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You want   REALLY MEANS   You need
 
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It's your decision    REALLY MEANS   The correct decision should be obvious by now.
 
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We need to talk   REALLY MEANS   I need to complain
 
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Do what you want    REALLY MEANS    You'll pay for this later.
 
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You're ... so manly    REALLY MEANS     You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
 
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Sure... go ahead    REALLY MEANS   I don't want you to.
 
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I'm not upset    REALLY MEANS    Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 
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You're certainly attentive tonight.    REALLY MEANS   Is sex all you ever think about?
 
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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!     REALLY MEANS      I'm on my period.
 
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Be romantic, turn out the lights.     REALLY MEANS     I'm Embarrassed
 
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This kitchen is so inconvenient       REALLY MEANS     I want a new house.
 
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You have to learn to communicate.    REALLY MEANS    Just agree with me.
 
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Yes   REALLY MEANS    No
 
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No   REALLY MEANS    No
 
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Maybe    REALLY MEANS    No
 
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I heard a noise    REALLY MEANS    I noticed you were almost asleep.
 
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Do you love me?    REALLY MEANS    I'm going to ask for something expensive.
 
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How much do you love me?    REALLY MEANS    I did something you're not going to like.
 
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I'll be ready in a minute.    REALLY MEANS    Be patient I'll be a while.
 
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Am I a little fat?    REALLY MEANS    Tell me I'm beautiful.
 
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I'm sorry.    REALLY MEANS    You'll be sorry.
 
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Do you like this recipe?    REALLY MEANS    It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
 
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Was that the baby?    REALLY MEANS    Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
 
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I'm not yelling!    REALLY MEANS    Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
 
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All we're going to buy is a soap dish    REALLY MEANS    Major shopping trip.  Did you bring your checkbook?

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane:

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Pooping at Work:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

Out of the Closet Pooper
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

The Pooping Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-Cough
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Dream Girl Sayings:

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake.  You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.

26. I'm finished, so whenever you're done...