^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lol
Lol
Question: WHat is the nerdiest time on a 24 hour/military time clock?
Answer: 13:37!11
yeah, it's corny, but I had to say it.
Answer: 13:37!11
yeah, it's corny, but I had to say it.
Okay, I'll bite and add one of my own. Make this a Friday joke thread.
If you have a husband who is retired, you can probably relate to this story.
If you don't have a husband who is retired, be prepared.
Otherwise, just read and enjoy!
If you are a retired husband, you'd better behave in the future
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type
of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping
in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the"Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited awhile, then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
here!"
If you have a husband who is retired, you can probably relate to this story.
If you don't have a husband who is retired, be prepared.
Otherwise, just read and enjoy!
If you are a retired husband, you'd better behave in the future
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type
of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping
in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the"Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited awhile, then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
here!"
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:
"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"
"But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:
"John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like? "
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:
"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:
"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"
"But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:
"John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like? "
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:
"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"
Three Brazilian Soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"
Dubya is going through a neighborhood during a campaign and notices a kid selling puppies. His sign reads, "Republican puppies for sale!"
Intrigued by the sign, Dubya stops in and checks out the pups. The boy lets him hold a newborn puppy and the press paparazzi eat it up.
Two weeks later, Dubya is touring the area again, but when he passes by the puppy sale, he notices the sign has been altered. This time it says, "Democrat puppies for sale!"
Dubya stops and when he finds the boy he asks him why the puppies are now "Democrats".
The boy puts down the puppy he's holding, looks Dubya up and down and says
"Well their eyes are open now."
KJ
Intrigued by the sign, Dubya stops in and checks out the pups. The boy lets him hold a newborn puppy and the press paparazzi eat it up.
Two weeks later, Dubya is touring the area again, but when he passes by the puppy sale, he notices the sign has been altered. This time it says, "Democrat puppies for sale!"
Dubya stops and when he finds the boy he asks him why the puppies are now "Democrats".
The boy puts down the puppy he's holding, looks Dubya up and down and says
"Well their eyes are open now."
KJ
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said: This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said: "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
"This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said: "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow."
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said: This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said: "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
"This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said: "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow."
Awesome to see this thread brought back.
Here it is:
A man and his wife go to the zoo. They are at the Gorilla exhibit, when they find themselves looking through the bars at a huge male silverback.
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Honey, let me teach you something. 1st, I want you to show this gorilla your tits."
She objects, but after much persuasion flashes the gorilla her rack. The gorilla starts to sit up and take notice by bearing his teeth and grunting loudly.
"Now I want you to flash your ass at the gorilla" The husband instructs.
The wife realizes she's already bared the boobs, and turns around, bends over and hikes the skirt up to reveal a hot ass.
The gorilla is visibly moved and begins to beat his chest, and calls out his dominance with OOOH's and AAH's.
"Almost done with the lesson dear," says the husband. "Now lift up the front of the skirt and show that gorilla all you've got."
At this point the wife is getting crazy with exhibitionism, puts her leg on the rail, hikes up the skirt and gives the gorilla a view that would make a stripper proud.
The gorilla goes nuts. It begins to run around the cage, heaving tires like cardboard boxes, beating his chest, and making loud grunts and noises.
The husband grabs the wife, throws her into the cage, closes the gate and says,
"Now tell him you have a headache."
Here it is:
A man and his wife go to the zoo. They are at the Gorilla exhibit, when they find themselves looking through the bars at a huge male silverback.
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Honey, let me teach you something. 1st, I want you to show this gorilla your tits."
She objects, but after much persuasion flashes the gorilla her rack. The gorilla starts to sit up and take notice by bearing his teeth and grunting loudly.
"Now I want you to flash your ass at the gorilla" The husband instructs.
The wife realizes she's already bared the boobs, and turns around, bends over and hikes the skirt up to reveal a hot ass.
The gorilla is visibly moved and begins to beat his chest, and calls out his dominance with OOOH's and AAH's.
"Almost done with the lesson dear," says the husband. "Now lift up the front of the skirt and show that gorilla all you've got."
At this point the wife is getting crazy with exhibitionism, puts her leg on the rail, hikes up the skirt and gives the gorilla a view that would make a stripper proud.
The gorilla goes nuts. It begins to run around the cage, heaving tires like cardboard boxes, beating his chest, and making loud grunts and noises.
The husband grabs the wife, throws her into the cage, closes the gate and says,
"Now tell him you have a headache."
Last edited by Kung Jew (2006-06-05 11:14:43)
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, lost in the desert, thirtsy and hungry.
A fairy comes along and wishes them one wish each,
The English man wishes for a crate of fruit...ping! he gets it,
The scottish man wishes for a crate of water...Ping! he gets it,
The Irish man wishes for a car door...ping! he gets it,
The scots and english man say, "What the hell did u wish that for!"
The Irish man replys "So i can wind down the window when it gets hot" !!!!!!!!!
A fairy comes along and wishes them one wish each,
The English man wishes for a crate of fruit...ping! he gets it,
The scottish man wishes for a crate of water...Ping! he gets it,
The Irish man wishes for a car door...ping! he gets it,
The scots and english man say, "What the hell did u wish that for!"
The Irish man replys "So i can wind down the window when it gets hot" !!!!!!!!!
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter
(should sticky this thread for fun sake)
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter
(should sticky this thread for fun sake)
A man visits his doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I went out on the town drinking and I don't remember what happened. When I woke up this morning, I found a red ring and a brown ring on my dick. I don't know what it is and I'm really scared I did something I shouldn't have."
So the doc checks him over and sure enough there are two rings, a brown ring above a red ring on his johnson. The doc gets samples and tells the man that he will call him in 2 days.
The man goes home and sweats out 2 days while waiting for the doc's call. When the phone rings, he eagerly answers it.
"Well," begins the Doctor. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the red ring is lipstick."
"Whew" replies the patient. "But what is the bad news?"
The Doc replies. "The brown ring is Skoal."
So the doc checks him over and sure enough there are two rings, a brown ring above a red ring on his johnson. The doc gets samples and tells the man that he will call him in 2 days.
The man goes home and sweats out 2 days while waiting for the doc's call. When the phone rings, he eagerly answers it.
"Well," begins the Doctor. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the red ring is lipstick."
"Whew" replies the patient. "But what is the bad news?"
The Doc replies. "The brown ring is Skoal."
classsiccccccccccccccccccccccMouse315 wrote:
http://bash.org/?top
Entertainment for hours.
If you get through the top 100, just press random.
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 15 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 15 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
Golfer
A Canadian golfer playing in Ireland, hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer
says.
Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're
O’K and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the 3 things I would want...
a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back in Ireland.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the
woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game,youknow.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
I did that fer ye also.
And tell me, how's yer sex life?"?
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."
C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, Once, sometimes twice a week."
What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A Canadian golfer playing in Ireland, hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer
says.
Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're
O’K and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the 3 things I would want...
a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back in Ireland.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the
woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game,youknow.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
I did that fer ye also.
And tell me, how's yer sex life?"?
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."
C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, Once, sometimes twice a week."
What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Last edited by Subliminal_Sub (2006-06-28 15:12:27)
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side
of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU SINNER
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side
of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU SINNER
Last edited by wolraht (2006-07-06 12:50:19)
Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit
accompanied by his attorney.
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported
employment income. How do you explain that?
Before the attorney could speak, Ralph replied, "I love to
gamble and I usually win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that
wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere
in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no
way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a
huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen
and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.
The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet
me twenty thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
accompanied by his attorney.
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported
employment income. How do you explain that?
Before the attorney could speak, Ralph replied, "I love to
gamble and I usually win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that
wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere
in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no
way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a
huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen
and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.
The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet
me twenty thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
A golfer is about to tee off when he is approached by a beautiful blonde woman. She asks him if he would let her play the round with him. He quickly seizes the opportunity and extends her a gracious invitation. Well after 18 holes, she has beaten him by no less than a single stroke on every hole. She notices his obvious embarrassment at being beaten by a woman. She turns to him and offers him a blow job in the parking lot to make him feel better. He accepts and she "cheers him up".
The next week, the same golfer is teeing up when the blonde approaches him and again requests a round of golf. The golfer eagerly accepts, but this time plays his best game. But at the end of the game, he is still 18 over her score. Embarrassed, he shows her the scorecard. To his delight, she offers her oral remedy...
This goes on for many weeks. Then one day, after the standard parking lot 19th hole, he offers to take her out to dinner. She accepts and he agrees to pick her up at 7:00 at her place.
When he shows up, she answers the door, but holds up her hand and says,
"Before we go out on this date, there is something you should know. You see, I've really come to enjoy our time together and I find myself really liking you and your company. I had a really great time playing golf with you, and an even better time going down on you in the parking lot. But you should know something....
I'm really a man."
The golfers jaw drops, then he screams, "YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH! FUCK YOU!! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING FROM THE LADIES TEES FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS!!!!"
KJ
PS If you don't get this joke than obviously you are not a bowler....
The next week, the same golfer is teeing up when the blonde approaches him and again requests a round of golf. The golfer eagerly accepts, but this time plays his best game. But at the end of the game, he is still 18 over her score. Embarrassed, he shows her the scorecard. To his delight, she offers her oral remedy...
This goes on for many weeks. Then one day, after the standard parking lot 19th hole, he offers to take her out to dinner. She accepts and he agrees to pick her up at 7:00 at her place.
When he shows up, she answers the door, but holds up her hand and says,
"Before we go out on this date, there is something you should know. You see, I've really come to enjoy our time together and I find myself really liking you and your company. I had a really great time playing golf with you, and an even better time going down on you in the parking lot. But you should know something....
I'm really a man."
The golfers jaw drops, then he screams, "YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH! FUCK YOU!! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING FROM THE LADIES TEES FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS!!!!"
KJ
PS If you don't get this joke than obviously you are not a bowler....
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to
prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells
at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the
closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!
WHO'S HORNY???!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep."
It Works Every Time
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to
prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells
at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the
closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!
WHO'S HORNY???!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep."
It Works Every Time
I know, it's Tuesday. But this is still funny.
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver’s window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why’d you do that?"
The trooper says, "You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready."
"I’m sorry, officer," says the driver. "I’m not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car’s passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick."
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What’d you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, ‘I wish that lousy @55hole would’ve tried that s#!t with me!’"
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver’s window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why’d you do that?"
The trooper says, "You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready."
"I’m sorry, officer," says the driver. "I’m not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car’s passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick."
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What’d you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, ‘I wish that lousy @55hole would’ve tried that s#!t with me!’"
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
Let's revive this, since we all know Mondays suck and one's coming up in 2 days.