Boomer1120
Vagine Movie Thread Creator
+105|6741
mondays suck.. Joke time!!


Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
> golf.....
>
> Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
> through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the
> course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
> we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and
> see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
> door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was
> done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
> bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
>
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
> that broke my window?"
>
> "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
> replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
> you.
>
> You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle
> for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
> allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one
> wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
> myself."
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
> moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year
> for the rest of my life."
>
> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the
> least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy
> life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the
> genie asked.
>
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
> every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
> always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish,
> genie?"
>
> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
> been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish
> is to have sex with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
> know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
> What do you think?"
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
> you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
> wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do
> the same for you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
> the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
>
> After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled
> over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old
> are you and your husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>
> "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of
> you still believe in genies?
Miggle
FUCK UBISOFT
+1,411|6740|FUCK UBISOFT

move to not bf2s, not bf2



p.s. thats absolutely hilarious

Last edited by Miguel diaz (2005-11-21 08:50:38)

https://i.imgur.com/86fodNE.png
Sgt.Gh0st
Pump-Action Pimp
+16|6781|The Hague, Holland
ROFL hehe ^^
Boomer1120
Vagine Movie Thread Creator
+105|6741
doh! I forgot about that forum, my bad.
WilhelmSissener
Banned
+557|6731|Oslo, Norway
I got one,
> Why doesn't Norway slipp in to the North Atlantic??
>
>Because Sweeden sucks
=RDG=[N.B]canadiannnn
Forklift Whore
+67|6766|Canader , eh?
Roflmao!!!!!
Sgt.Gh0st
Pump-Action Pimp
+16|6781|The Hague, Holland

WilhelmSissener wrote:

I got one,
> Why doesn't Norway slipp in to the North Atlantic??
>
>Because Sweeden sucks
Hehehe!
Jenspm
penis
+1,716|6731|St. Andrews / Oslo

WilhelmSissener wrote:

I got one,
> Why doesn't Norway slipp in to the North Atlantic??
>
>Because Sweeden sucks
LOL
https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/26774/flickricon.png https://twitter.com/phoenix/favicon.ico
shaggyp
Member
+1|6722|Florida
quick joke for the fellas:

q:  why do women fake orgasms?

a:  they think we care.
miSteRsiSteRfiSteR
Member
+0|6722
if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.....

you might be a redneck.



lolololol  everytime i hear that, it just cracks me up.
tonitsen
Member
+0|6706|Finland

WilhelmSissener wrote:

I got one,
> Why doesn't Norway slipp in to the North Atlantic??
>
>Because Sweeden sucks
:E <- happy-walros-smiley...

>What does Sweden have, that Finland doesnt?
>
>2 good neighbours
Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|6744|Houston, TX
An indian kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, how did you name my brother?"

His dad replies, "When your brother was born, I stepped outside the teepee to see a deer sprinting across the field, so I named him Running-Deer."

Next, the kid asks, "Dad, how did you name my sister?"

The father replies, "When your sister was born I opened the teepee to see a dove sitting on the tree outside, so I named her Perched-Dove....

Why do you ask Two-Dogs-Fucking?"
Sahasrahla
Code poet
+1|6743|Branson, MO, USA

shaggyp wrote:

quick joke for the fellas:

q:  why do women fake orgasms?

a:  they think we care.
A fellow Playboy subscriber...
Deedubya
Member
+-2|6801|The Seventh Circle of Hell
Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.



Tarzan and Jane are about to get it on for the first time, but it's clear he's never been with a woman, so Jane explains sex to him.

"Oh," tarzan says. "I use hole in trunk of tree for that."

"You've got it all wrong," Jane says, and takes off her clothes. She lies on the ground, points to her crotch and says, "You put it in here."

Tarzan likes what he sees and steps toward Jane. Then, he gives her a terrible kick to the groin.

Jane rolls around in agony and finally manages to scream, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replies, "Check for squirrel."



Two hillbillies are sitting around drinking beer, when one says to the other, "Jethro, if'n I was to sneak over to your house and have sex with your old lady and she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Jethro thinks for a moment and says, "I don't reckon it would make us kin, but it WOULD make us even!"



One day, a treasure hunter comes across and ancient lamp. He rubs it, and a genie appears.

"I grant thee three wishes," the genie tells the man, "but I must also give your ex-wife double everything you ask for."

The man reluctantly agrees and says, "I wish for a mansion." His wish is granted, and at the same time his ex gets two mansions.

"I'd like a million dollars," the man says. The genie grants him his second wish, and the old wife gets $2 million.

The man thinks about his last wish carefully and finally says, "Now, scare me half to death."
.:ronin:.|Patton
Respekct dad i love u always
+946|6808|Marathon, Florida Keys
A man is going away on a buisnuess meeting, and he is worried about his wife.
His wife is extremely horny, they have sex about 3 times a day, its like a addiction to her.
He's worried she will sleep with another guy while he is away.

He goes to XXX mart to find a toy that will keep her from doing that.
He sees something wierd, its called the Voodoo dildo.
He takes it off the shelf and goes and asks the manager.
"How is this supposed to work?"
She looks at him funny because he is a guy holding a dildo and says:
"Well accually since its voodoo, all you have to do is say where you want it to go, examnple: she unwraps it and says, "Voodoo dildo table".
The dildo jumped out of her hand and attacked the table, breaking it in half.
"WOW!" Said the man "My wife will love this while im gone."

He buys it and takes it home and gives it to his wife and tells her how to use it, the next day he leaves on his trip.

That morning the wife goes and gets in her car with the dildo to go to work. On the way she decides to try the dildo out.
So shes going along in the car, and shes in a daze because its feelin so good, and shes swervin all over the road, and a cop see's her.
He pulls her over and ask if she's been drinking.
She explains about the dildo and everything.
He looks at her like shes a dumbass, throws his head back and laughs. Then he said "Heh, thats the biggest load of shit ive ever heard......voodoo dildo........voodoo dildo my ass
https://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g117/patton1337/stats.jpg
Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|6744|Houston, TX
Mrs. Johnson is messing arund with her boyfriend, when Mr. Johnson pulls into the driveway.
"OH CRAP!"  She shouts. "We gotta hide you, or my husband will catch us!"
Thinking quickly, she grabs a bag of flour from the kitchen and shoves her naked boyfriend into the corner of the living room.  She opens the bag of flour and covers him head to toe in white powder.

As her husband walks in, she turns to him with a big naked smile and welcomes him home.

"Hi honey I'm home and....  what's that?"  He asks, motioning at the nude white statue.

"Baby, remember last weekend when you were on that business trip?  I went over to the Smith's house, and Mrs. Smith had a nude statue made of ivory that I told you so much about?  Well I loved it soooo much I got us one.  What do you think?"  She says nervously.

Mr. Johnson gives it the typical non-interest husband look over and nods. "It's nice dear."

They go on with their night.  Dinner, showers, bed.  But at midnight, Mr. Johnson gets up and goes to the kitchen and proceeds to make a midnight snack.  Big hoagie sandwich, chips, and a huge glass of milk.  He gathers his meal on a plate and walks back towards the bedroom.  He stops dead in front of the Man-statue, turns, looks him eye-to-eye and says,

"Here, take it.... just take it.

I was in Mrs. Smith's house for two days without a fucking glass of water."

Last edited by Kung Jew (2006-03-20 09:06:59)

Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|6744|Houston, TX
What do you do with 5 lbs of fat?

Put a nipple on it.

KJ
Spearhead
Gulf coast redneck hippy
+731|6688|Tampa Bay Florida
LOL!!!!@!! !! v
1 1'//1 1!!!! !

that's so great
Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|6744|Houston, TX
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?


Well hung.

KJ
.:ronin:.|Patton
Respekct dad i love u always
+946|6808|Marathon, Florida Keys
Why did Michal jackson go to Kmart?

Boy's pants are half off.
https://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g117/patton1337/stats.jpg
Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|6744|Houston, TX
Did you hear about Michael's new book on kids?

It's titled "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."

KJ
Cougar
Banned
+1,962|6763|Dallas
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit.  One fly farts and the other looks at him and screams "Hey I'm trying to eat here!!".
Cougar
Banned
+1,962|6763|Dallas
There was this 90 year old virgin who woke up one day and felt this extreme itching in her pubic region.  She scratched and scratched all day and finally decided to go to the gynacologist.  Once there the doctor looks her over and then tells her she has crabs.  Not understanding how in the world she could have gotten crabs (since shes a virgin and all) she goes to a second gynacologist.

Old Lady:  I went to this other Doctor and he said I had crabs, but I'm a virgin!!!  I demand a second opinion!

Doctor:  Ok ma'am hop on the table and lets have a look.

The doctor looks her over for a minute and then turns to her with a extremly grim and disgusted face.

Old Lady:  WELL!  What is it!!

Doctor:  Well ma'am, you don't have crabs.

Old Lady:  Well what is it then??!!

Doctor:  Lady, I don't know how to tell you this.....

Old Lady:  WHAT IS IT ALREADY!!!

Doctor:  You have fruit flies.  Your cherry is rotten.
Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|6744|Houston, TX
^^ HAHAHAHAHA

Two roaches meet up in a trash can in Chicago.  One roach is terribly weathered, and frost bitten.  The other roach asks him why he is so beat up.

"I just rode into town on a bikers mustache, and it's really cold and icy outside."

"You're stupid." Says the 1st roach, "What you should do is go to the airport.  Hide out in the ladies restroom, under the toilet seat.  Wait for a stewardess to come along, hitch a ride inside to wherever you need to go."

The beat up roach thanks him for his advice and goes along his way.

A year later, the two roaches cross paths in Florida.  Again, the 2nd roach is tired, frail, and frostbitten.

"Didn't you listen to anything I told you?!?!?" Asks the 1st roach.

"I did just as you told me." replies the beat up roach. "I went to the airport, hid in the toilet, waited for the stewardess, hitchhiked a ride in her pants......


Next thing you know I'm on this damn bikers mustache again....."
MRmajpayne
Member
+1|6671
A man and his wife are driving along the road when the wife notices a baby skunk on the roadside.
She urges him to pull over and he reluctantly agrees.
She goes out and gets the skunk and brings it back to the car.
" The poor thing is half frozen to death" she says, " I need to put it somewhere warm"
"Put it between your legs its warm there" he says.
The wife then says " what about the smell"?
"Just hold its nose"

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