Best best joke

2010-11-04 21:05:44

#776

PrivateVendetta: I DEMAND XMAS THEME; +704|6406|Roma

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of ways to take the Mick.

https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/29388/stopped%20scrolling%21.png

2010-11-06 14:34:37

#777

ROGUEDD: BF2s. A Liberal Gang of Faggots.; +452|5604|Fuck this.

PrivateVendetta wrote:
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of ways to take the Mick.

Win.

Make X-meds a full member, for the sake of 15 year old anal gangbang porn watchers everywhere!

2010-11-23 09:06:53

#778

PrivateVendetta: I DEMAND XMAS THEME; +704|6406|Roma

In case you haven't seen these before:

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush

2010-11-23 09:17:57

#779

FloppY_: +1,010|6501|Denmark aka Automotive Hell

PrivateVendetta wrote:
In case you haven't seen these before:

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush

Are those real quotes?

if so

Your thoughts, insights, and musings on this matter intrigue me

2010-11-23 09:22:27

#780

Chou: Member; +737|7006

Bush for President!

2010-12-05 14:15:21

#781

Miggle: FUCK UBISOFT; +1,411|6957|FUCK UBISOFT

FloppY_ wrote:
PrivateVendetta wrote:
In case you haven't seen these before:

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
Are those real quotes?

if so

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp

2010-12-18 12:39:04

#782

PrivateVendetta: I DEMAND XMAS THEME; +704|6406|Roma

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

2010-12-18 13:49:24

#783

ROGUEDD: BF2s. A Liberal Gang of Faggots.; +452|5604|Fuck this.

meh

Make X-meds a full member, for the sake of 15 year old anal gangbang porn watchers everywhere!

2010-12-18 13:53:16

#784

Toilet Sex: one love, one pig; +1,775|6787

Miggle wrote:
FloppY_ wrote:
PrivateVendetta wrote:
In case you haven't seen these before:

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
Are those real quotes?

if so
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp

this is my favourite

♥

2010-12-20 07:03:34

#785

HellMilky: ( =^_^= ); +23|6158|Holland

Women rights.

and:

Honest Hard working Polish employee with own car looking for work.

2010-12-20 11:37:17

#786

AussieReaper: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°); +5,761|6368|what

HellMilky wrote:
Honest Hard working Polish employee with own car looking for work.

Must be a Dutch joke.

2010-12-21 19:50:24

#787

PrivateVendetta: I DEMAND XMAS THEME; +704|6406|Roma

A woman got raped in Adelaide a few weeks ago by an Aussie batsman. Well, she presumed he was Australian as he wasn't in for long.

2010-12-21 20:44:22

#788

Adams_BJ: Russian warship, go fuck yourself; +2,054|6837|Little Bentcock

PrivateVendetta wrote:
A woman got raped in Adelaide a few weeks ago by an Aussie batsman. Well, she presumed he was Australian as he wasn't in for long.

lol cricket joke

NOT SEX WE GOOD AT SEX YOU HEAR!?

2010-12-21 20:45:02

#789

13urnzz: Banned; +5,830|6712

*the sound of crickets*

2010-12-27 05:02:19

#790

AussieReaper: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°); +5,761|6368|what

Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie?

Cause he was too far out man!

2011-02-01 21:19:07

#791

AussieReaper: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°); +5,761|6368|what

My boss flew off the handle about his religion today.

During an emergency meeting, he sweeps in with the CFO, both of them casually late as usual. At least this time they had an excuse - they just met with the CEO, who finally stopped worrying about the PR and asked some problematic VPs to resign, which will clear a lot of red tape for us later. We try to bring both of them up to speed on the discussion. We just suffered an attack that compromised important proprietary data. Rolling out any changes to our recent implementation of the relevant systems would require delays we can't afford, so we're talking about increased defenses just to cover our butts from exploits. Rule of law won't be enough if the upstarts nipping at our heels pay some kids to hit a vulnerability.

My boss won't have any of it, though - he thinks we can contain the information. As if nobody's made copies yet! All the technical people shift about uncomfortably, and I try to make the best of it by saying we're probably fine regardless. Everything goes online ASAP and we can ruin the other guys once it's all running smoothly.

He then declares that all our infrastructure is window-dressing compared to the innate protection of his faith. We would be fine not because of all the employees and contractors running the show, but thanks to some mystical seance bullshit that he looks to for guidance and references entirely too often in private conversation. I don't even think it's an organized religion - just vague pagan nonsense with creepy voodoo overtones, like he's the last devotee of a cult from the 70s. I must've been sleep-deprived, because I don't even hesitate to call that a bunch of crap. Motherfucker choked me from across the room.

2011-02-02 12:32:00

#792

mtb0minime: minimember; +2,418|6869

How do you make a dead baby float?

Spoiler (highlight to read):
2 scoops of ice cream and 1 scoop of dead baby

2011-02-02 12:32:46

#793

mtb0minime: minimember; +2,418|6869

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

THE HOLOCAUST

2011-02-02 14:25:48

#794

AussieReaper: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°); +5,761|6368|what

mtb0minime wrote:
How do you make a dead baby float?

Spoiler (highlight to read):
2 scoops of ice cream and 1 scoop of dead baby

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume.

2011-02-05 19:06:18

#795

mtb0minime: minimember; +2,418|6869

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

Spoiler (highlight to read):
They both have the same middle name

2011-02-16 23:48:42

#796

Ty: Mass Media Casualty; +2,398|6989|Noizyland

https://media.crikey.com.au/Media/images/080923-TapeWorm-2f961b35-7436-4a5b-88b0-ee2a435e7c14.jpg

[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon

2011-02-23 08:10:01

#797

Finray: Hup! Dos, Tres, Cuatro; +2,629|6003|Catherine Black

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So was the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

2011-02-23 15:09:30

#798

Finray: Hup! Dos, Tres, Cuatro; +2,629|6003|Catherine Black

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

2011-02-23 15:19:53