BF2S Forums Best best joke

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Two Canadians are arguing over the last beer.  The decide to play a game of 20 questions to settle it.

So one guy thinks hard.  What will the other guy never guess?

He decides to use "Moose Cock" and tells the other guy he's ready.

"Okay, 20 questions...go".

"Can you eat it?"

"Well...uh...I guess you can..."

"Is it Moose Cock?"

PspRpg-7 wrote:

MorbidFetus wrote:

sergeriver wrote:

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

rolf

I knew a guy named Rolf.

hahaha nice

schofield wrote:

anyone know what factor steve irwins sun cream was when he died? there mustn't have not been enough cos the harmfull rays got him

Shut up fool

How to Please a Woman:
Follow this advice if you wish to impress your girlfriend.

Compliment her;
respect her;
honor her;
cuddle her;
caress her;
love her;
kiss her;
stroke her;
buy things for her;
tease her;
comfort her;
protect her;
hug her;
hold her;
spend money on her;
wine and dine her;
listen to her;
care for her;
stand by her;
support her;
hold her.

How to Please a Man:
Follow this advice if you wish to impress your boyfriends.

Show up naked;
Bring beer.

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-23 05:49:38)

A woman goes to the doctors office in a panic.  She asks, " doctor, please tell me, can a women get pregnant from having anal sex?"

He answers, "Of course, where do you think lawyers come from?"


How do you get 10 babies into a 5 gallon bucket?
-a blender

How do you get 10 babies out of a 5 gallon bucket?
-Doritos

Two muffins were baking in an oven when one muffin says to the other, "Man, it's getting pretty hot in here."
The other muffin says, "HOLY SHIT!!!  A talking muffin!?!



A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and sits down at a table.  The bartender walks over and says, "Hey!  We don't serve your kind here!"
The jumper cables replies, "C'mon man, I just want one drink and I'm on my way."
The bartender says, "Well, okay.  But you better not try to start nothin!"



Two drunk guys walk out of a bar and see a dog sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.  One drunk say to the other, "Man I wish I could do that."  And his friend replies, "Well you probably could if you pet him first."



Q: What do you call the medical student with the lowest grade in his graduating class?
A: Doctor



Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothin, you already told the bitch twice.



Q: Why do women wear white when they get married?
A: Because the dishwasher should match the fridge and the stove.



Q: How many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb in the kitchen?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.




Edit:  PS, Check out my sig for one more.

Last edited by MastersMom (2006-09-22 15:10:10)

(Deep Breath)

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head before it hits your windshield?  It's ass!

What did the maxi-pad say to the asshole?  You are the wind beneath my wings!

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?  Bingo!

How do you castrate a hillbilly?  Kick his sister in the Jaw!

What do you call a dwarf eskimo with a hard-on? A fridgid midget with a ridget digit!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?  Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy? Put a nipple on it!

What does a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks... you are dead!

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute.

What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever.

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.

What was the only thing stopping Helen Keller from driving? She was a woman.

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Why don't witches wear panties? Better grip on the broom!

What do you call a 400-pound stripper? Broke!

The End

Long Blonde Jokes

1-A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

2-There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

3-Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

4-There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

5-A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

6-There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."

7-A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

8-A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

9-Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

10-A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

11-Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

12-There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

13-A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"

14-Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"

15-A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

16-What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-23 06:02:22)

schofield wrote:

theres a MASSIVE car boot sale on at kelvington runway. its only bits and pieces but all of it is TOP GEAR

What?! Not sure if that's a joke or posted in the wrong place.

EDIT: Actually - brain switched off for a moment - not funny!

Last edited by Scorpion0x17 (2006-09-24 14:52:42)

schofield wrote:

theres a MASSIVE car boot sale on at kelvington runway. its only bits and pieces but all of it is TOP GEAR

Thats Crap.

sergeriver wrote:

13-A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"

Now that's funny!