Pages: 1 … 16 17 18 19 20 … 38

 

2008-07-15 22:20:24
pyscofrawg
AKA Selkies ftw
+55|6402|Earth

Ty wrote:

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said without hesitation, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

"My point exactly," the doctor said.
Now that right there is one funny fucking joke.
Signature
2008-07-19 05:02:56
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5846|Netherlands
After getting all of Pope  Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver
notices that the Pope is still standing on the  curb   
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,'  says the driver, 'Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?'   
'Well, to tell you the  truth,' says the Pope, 'they
never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like  to
drive today.'   
'I'm sorry but I cannot let  you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the  driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.   
'There might be something  extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope  climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his  decision when, after exiting the  airport, the Pontiff floors it,  accelerating the limo to 105 mph.   
'Please slow down, Your  Holiness!!!' pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal  until
they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my  license,'
moans the driver.   
The Pope pulls over and rolls  down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes  back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the  radio.   
'I need to talk to the  Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that  he's stopped
a limo going a hundred and five.   
'So bust him,' says the  Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really  important,' said the
cop.   
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the  more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the  cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the  Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's  God?'
Cop: 'the f**ing Pope is  his chauffeur!'
2008-07-24 07:41:54
Airwolf
Latter Alcoholic
+287|6716|Scotland

Ty wrote:

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said without hesitation, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

"My point exactly," the doctor said.
haha.
2008-07-24 07:54:03
naightknifar
Served and Out
+642|6558|Southampton, UK

Airwolf wrote:

Ty wrote:

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said without hesitation, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

"My point exactly," the doctor said.
haha.
Lol'd.
2008-07-24 13:58:29
Graphic-J
The Artist formerly known as GraphicArtist-J
+196|6123|So Cal
Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'


'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.


'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.


'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.


'Jews sink Titanic.'


'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
https://i44.tinypic.com/28vg66s.jpg
2008-07-25 14:29:58
i g
Banned
+876|5861|GA

GraphicArtist J wrote:

Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'


'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.


'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.


'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.


'Jews sink Titanic.'


'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
lulz
2008-07-26 05:26:46
Ecilop Murof
I HOP OUT DA BEEEED..
+167|5776|loves Stimey <3 |

naightknifar wrote:

Airwolf wrote:

Ty wrote:

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said without hesitation, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

"My point exactly," the doctor said.
haha.
Lol'd.
Thirded
2008-08-03 17:02:07
blah
macaroni with cheeseeee
+111|5744|Croatia
Have you heard of a new stunt that KKK Evil Knievel team is going to pull off?
They'll try to jump over 50 black people with a steamroller.
2008-08-03 17:06:15
Mutantbear
Semi Constructive Criticism
+1,431|5961|London, England

blah wrote:

Have you heard of a new stunt that KKK Evil Knievel team is going to pull off?
They'll try to jump over 50 black people with a steamroller.
lol
_______________________________________________________________________________________________ https://i.imgur.com/Xj4f2.png
2008-08-03 23:31:36
blah
macaroni with cheeseeee
+111|5744|Croatia
I've been thinking....

If abortion is murder,then jacking off is genocide!

amirite?
2008-08-04 21:36:04
PeoNinja
Ninja Fart - Silent but Deadly
+31|6195
What does an emo use to listen to music?















An m-o-p3


---------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks by a candy store and see they are selling clitoris lolly-pops, he goes inside and buys one,
opens it in front of the clerk taste it and says "Daaaamn!   it taste like shit!"
The clerk replies "Well turn it around moron".

Last edited by PeoNinja (2008-08-04 21:40:20)

2008-08-04 21:57:05
blah
macaroni with cheeseeee
+111|5744|Croatia
2008-08-04 22:42:27
War Man
Australians are hermaphrodites.
+563|6710|Purplicious Wisconsin

blah wrote:

I've been thinking....

If abortion is murder,then jacking off is genocide!

amirite?
WTF is that supposed to mean?
The irony of guns, is that they can save lives.
2008-08-05 00:39:54
blah
macaroni with cheeseeee
+111|5744|Croatia

War Man wrote:

blah wrote:

I've been thinking....

If abortion is murder,then jacking off is genocide!

amirite?
WTF is that supposed to mean?
abortion is murder because you kill the fetus,jacking off is genocide because you "kill"(don't use) sperm cells for reproduction,you just wack it off into your masturbation towel

geddit?

Last edited by blah (2008-08-05 00:40:04)

2008-08-09 01:49:09
War Man
Australians are hermaphrodites.
+563|6710|Purplicious Wisconsin

blah wrote:

War Man wrote:

blah wrote:

I've been thinking....

If abortion is murder,then jacking off is genocide!

amirite?
WTF is that supposed to mean?
abortion is murder because you kill the fetus,jacking off is genocide because you "kill"(don't use) sperm cells for reproduction,you just wack it off into your masturbation towel

geddit?
Now I do

Edit: I didn't know what genocide was in addition until I looked it up.

Last edited by War Man (2008-08-09 01:49:44)

The irony of guns, is that they can save lives.
2008-08-09 02:08:26
War Man
Australians are hermaphrodites.
+563|6710|Purplicious Wisconsin
Here is a new joke I came up with.

One 4th of July, two guys were walking with each other(I will refer to them as #1 and #2) when #1 asked, "Say, do you think England has a 4th of July?"

#2 replied, "I don't know."

#1 asked again, "Do you think France has a 4th of July?"

#2 replied, "I don"t know"

#1 continued asking the "Do you think?" questions until #2 just burst out, "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF A COUNTRY HAS A 4TH OF JULY?"

#1 simply replied with a smirk, "Don't you think it would be weird if tomorrow of a July 3 was to be a July 5 in another country?"

"Oh, That 4th of July," came the reply of #2, and they both started laughing.
In the case that my fellow foreigners did not get the joke, The 4th of July happens to be an American holiday.
The irony of guns, is that they can save lives.
2008-08-11 05:17:42
blah
macaroni with cheeseeee
+111|5744|Croatia

War Man wrote:

Here is a new joke I came up with.

One 4th of July, two guys were walking with each other(I will refer to them as #1 and #2) when #1 asked, "Say, do you think England has a 4th of July?"

#2 replied, "I don't know."

#1 asked again, "Do you think France has a 4th of July?"

#2 replied, "I don"t know"

#1 continued asking the "Do you think?" questions until #2 just burst out, "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF A COUNTRY HAS A 4TH OF JULY?"

#1 simply replied with a smirk, "Don't you think it would be weird if tomorrow of a July 3 was to be a July 5 in another country?"

"Oh, That 4th of July," came the reply of #2, and they both started laughing.
In the case that my fellow foreigners did not get the joke, The 4th of July happens to be an American holiday.
your sense of humor fails massively

Last edited by blah (2008-08-11 05:18:12)

2008-08-11 21:13:47
Roger Lesboules
Ah ben tabarnak!
+316|6574|Abitibi-Temiscamingue. Québec!

blah wrote:

Have you heard of a new stunt that KKK Evil Knievel team is going to pull off?
They'll try to jump over 50 black people with a steamroller.
Man, its wrong but...

Here is what this joke remembered me.
2008-08-11 21:29:32
Winston_Churchill
Bazinga!
+521|6735|Toronto | Canada

Little Johnny lived on a quiet suburb street in a small town.  One day, his parents come and tell him that he has to come to the hospital with them to see their neighbours new baby. 
LJ (little johnny) - "Okay mommy and daddy"
Dad - "But theres just one thing you need to know.  When their baby was born he had a defect."
LJ - "Whats that daddy?"
Dad - "Well the baby was born with no ears.  But if i hear you say one thing about that you'll have the worst beating of your life!  You'd better not mention it!"
LJ - "Okay daddy"
So they go to the hospital and visit the baby and the proud parents.  Johnny goes over to the baby with its parents and says to them:
LJ - "What beautiful feet he has"
BP (babys parents) - "Thank you Johnny"
LJ - "What cute little hands he has"
BP - "Thank you Johnny"
LJ - "What nice eyes he has"
BP - "Thank you Johnny"
LJ - "And... hows his vision?  Is it good?"
BP - "Well we actually just had the doctor come in and check and he has perfect vision, 20/20.  But why do you ask Johnny?"

Spoiler (highlight to read):
LJ - "Because if he had to wear glasses he'd be fucked!

lmfao funniest joke I've ever heard in my entire life
2008-08-13 01:39:16
War Man
Australians are hermaphrodites.
+563|6710|Purplicious Wisconsin

blah wrote:

War Man wrote:

Here is a new joke I came up with.

One 4th of July, two guys were walking with each other(I will refer to them as #1 and #2) when #1 asked, "Say, do you think England has a 4th of July?"

#2 replied, "I don't know."

#1 asked again, "Do you think France has a 4th of July?"

#2 replied, "I don"t know"

#1 continued asking the "Do you think?" questions until #2 just burst out, "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF A COUNTRY HAS A 4TH OF JULY?"

#1 simply replied with a smirk, "Don't you think it would be weird if tomorrow of a July 3 was to be a July 5 in another country?"

"Oh, That 4th of July," came the reply of #2, and they both started laughing.
In the case that my fellow foreigners did not get the joke, The 4th of July happens to be an American holiday.
your sense of humor fails massively
I'm trying, and most likely stop.
The irony of guns, is that they can save lives.
2008-08-13 02:48:15
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6771|Noizyland

Don't be insulted but please don't tell any more jokes War Man. Your talents obviously lie elsewhere.
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
2008-08-13 07:28:23
mr.hrundi
Wurstwassereis
+68|6434|Germany

Ty wrote:

Don't be insulted but please don't tell any more jokes War Man. Your talents obviously lie elsewhere.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA, this one was great!




2008-08-13 22:18:09
cospengle
Member
+140|6484|Armidale, NSW, Australia
Not the best best joke, but worthy of this thread...

3 old blokes are sitting around complaining about old age troubles.
The first guy, who is 70, says he has trouble peeing, you know stop start, dribble dribble.
The second guy, 80, says he has trouble pooing, not being regular and the likes.
The third guy, 90, says: Well at 7.30am I take a slash like a horse and at 8.00am to the second I have a dump every day.
The 70 & 80yr olds look at each other, then look at him and ask him what he's complaining about.
The 90yr old replies: Well I don’t wake up until 9.00.
2008-08-13 23:27:16
bugz
Fission Mailed
+3,311|6309

That's a good one

Here's one I got a while ago in my e-mail

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot...it's three o'clock in the morning!"
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/ebug122
2008-08-16 12:33:40
blah
macaroni with cheeseeee
+111|5744|Croatia
ARRRGHH  GOD,I DIDN'T WANT TO POST THIS:

They've found a black man shot 14 times in desert in Arizona.
-Sheriff:"THIS is the worst suicide case I've ever seen"

Last edited by blah (2008-08-16 12:34:05)

 

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