belldawg
Serial Jay-Walker
+52|5954|Perth, indian ocean
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
sexecuti0ner
What kinda guy are you are?
+148|6202
I got the following text message a few months ago-

"The cost of this text message could feed a starving African child for an entire day. 
So forward this message to 7 of your friends and lets starve that little bastard for a week!"
Rorscarch
Member
+4|6077|Maidenhead, England
Fifteen Great New Labour Lies:
1. I have nothing to hide
2. I challenge the press to follow me and see
3. I know nothing about it
4. I knew nothing about it
5. I knew a little about it
6. It's only a rumour
7. I was only obeying orders
8. I was only doing my job
9. It was in the public interest
10. I'll prove my innocence
11. There is no cause for concern
12. Your taxes have not gone up
13. It's a matter of principle
14. We're doing our best
15. There is nothing wrong with my mortgage application
Slarty
Member
+37|5935|Ingerland
A bloke goes to the doctor having problems with premature ejaculation.

The doctor says "when you feel yourself cuming, give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol into the air to prolong the sex"

Two days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went.

The bloke says "Not good. We were having a 69 and I felt myself start to cum, so I fired the pistol. My wife shit in my face, bit the end off my cock and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5820|Netherlands
small joke :

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6745|Noizyland

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said without hesitation, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

"My point exactly," the doctor said.
-------------------------------------
Some Maori jokes.
-------------------------------------
Everyday, a hen owned by a Maori man would lay an egg in his garden which was used his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden only to find that the hen laid her egg in his Samoan neighbor’s garden.

He was about to go next door when saw the Samoan rush out of the house to pick up the egg for himself. The Maori ran up to the Samoan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Samoan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Maori said, “In Aotearoa we normally solve disputes by the following method. I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, and then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes me to get up. Whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg."

The Samoan thought for a moment and noticed that the Maori was barefoot. He then looked at his own feet, which boasted a shiny pair of new steel-toed workboots.

He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute, “Maori Style”.

The Maori took a few steps back and kicked the Samoan in the balls as hard as he could. The Samoan fell to the ground clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually, the Samoan stood up and said; “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”

The Maori shrugged his shoulders and said, “Nahh, it's okay bro, you can keep the egg!
-----------------------------------
This Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by a Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries inspector. The inspector says to the Maori bloke that it looks like he has caught a couple of undersized crayfish.

The Maori says: "Nah Bro, these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home".

The MAF officer doesn't believe him and tells him it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket.

Then the Maori says: "Nah Bro, just watch" and chucks the crayfish into the surf.

The MAF officer then says: "Ok let's see ya whistle and make those Crayfish come back to you"

"What crayfish?"

(This is a true stroy and the Maori bloke got off.)
-----------------------------
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
belldawg
Serial Jay-Walker
+52|5954|Perth, indian ocean
they were gold TY +1
Rorscarch
Member
+4|6077|Maidenhead, England
Q. Why is New Labour like cannabis?
A. Both induce mild euphoria and a distorted sense of reality. Both induce a tendency to talk rubbish in a meaningful way. With both, everything takes on added significance despite the fact that nothing is happening.
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5820|Netherlands
small joke :

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line.."
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5820|Netherlands
other one

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
Zilla
Killa of threads
+122|6612|7th level of hell

a redneck couple goes into town to get a divorce. after it's said and done, they come out of the court, and the man is fine, but the woman is REALLY upset, crying and snifflin and can get herself under control. the man turns to her and says...


"Shit honey, your still my Sister"
Zilla
Killa of threads
+122|6612|7th level of hell

a Doctor was examining someone when this guy bursts into the room and shouts, "Doctor, You have to help me I'm shrinking!"
To which the doctor replies, "Sir, I'm with someone else, you'll have to wait your turn." the guy yells, "DOCTOR!, I'm really shrinking, you HAVE TO HELP ME", the doctor calmly tells the man, "sir, you have to wait until I'm done examining this person." the guy gets right into the doctors face and screams, "DOCTOR, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I'M LOSING A INCH A HOUR, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME"!
The doctor then tells the man, "Sir, I'm afraid you'll just have to be a LITTLE PATIENT."

Last edited by Zilla (2008-07-03 22:27:33)

1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6644|Cardiff, Capital of Wales
This is the 'best best joke' section
Slarty
Member
+37|5935|Ingerland
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and having sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says that he'll try...

God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on,

"Not bad" says the man "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to fuck her up the arse"

"They don't like that in Heaven" replies God.

The man says "theyre not too fucking happy about it in Asdas either!"
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5820|Netherlands
Subject: Post Office job


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
 
He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'
 
''Have you ever been in the service?'
 
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
 
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
 
The guy says, 'Yes 100% . . .an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
 
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
 
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
 
''This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'
theDude5B
Cool member
+804|6721
An American business man is on a business trip in japan and he hires a hooker,
the whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming "hosthimota!, Hosthimota!"
He cant quite remember what the word means, but he is positive he has please the hooker to the best of his ability.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese bu sines partner, when he makes a hole in one.
Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese, and he cant think of anything to say but "Hosthimota!"

His Japanese business partner, looking concerned turns to him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5820|Netherlands
Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."
PeoNinja
Ninja Fart - Silent but Deadly
+31|6169
Whats the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth?





















































Einsteins dick 
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6644|Cardiff, Capital of Wales
I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
[SCUMBAGZ]-=MEDAL=-
Member
+9|5820|Netherlands
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Perv3rt
Lookin' through your Window
+193|6210|Man Diego

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.  She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.  He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'  She slams the door in disgust.  The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?'  She slams the door again.  Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.  The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and I want you to answer 'yes' to the question so we can see where he is going with it.'  She nods OK to her husband and opens the door.  Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.  'Do you have a vagina?'......'Yes' she says......The man replies... 'Good!'

'Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!'
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6644|Cardiff, Capital of Wales
Wheres the best place to weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow



Whats black and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre.
Slarty
Member
+37|5935|Ingerland
A woman comes home to find her husband blow drying his cock.

She yells "what the hell are you doing??!!

He says "Just warming your dinner up!"
mkxiii
online bf2s mek evasion
+509|6206|Uk
why did the lion get lost?

because the jungle is massive

ba dum boom tish
Nintendogamer
Member
+72|6557|Chelmsford, UK
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what has a woman and KFC got in common?

once your done with the legs, breasts and thighs,
all thats left is the greasy box to stick ya bone in

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