Someone asked me to run a marathon, but i said no chance im not doing it. They then said that it was for blind kids and spastics, so i thought fuck it, i may just win this.
Irish man goes for a job at a blacksmiths
blacksmith asks if he has any experiance in shoeing horses
irish man says "no but i once told a donkey to fuck off"
blacksmith asks if he has any experiance in shoeing horses
irish man says "no but i once told a donkey to fuck off"
I Friggin Love The Nhs
reminds me of an south park episode, eric cartman wil compete with the paralympics, but eventualy looses... ^^UK|Hooligan wrote:
Someone asked me to run a marathon, but i said no chance im not doing it. They then said that it was for blind kids and spastics, so i thought fuck it, i may just win this.
cause jimmy had steroids*=]AD[=*Pro_NL wrote:
reminds me of an south park episode, eric cartman wil compete with the paralympics, but eventualy looses... ^^UK|Hooligan wrote:
Someone asked me to run a marathon, but i said no chance im not doing it. They then said that it was for blind kids and spastics, so i thought fuck it, i may just win this.
Our Ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself
-----
My Friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong current pulled him in.
Police say that he topped himself
-----
My Friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong current pulled him in.
Omfg those are sooo lame Lmao.theDude5B wrote:
Our Ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself
-----
My Friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong current pulled him in.
That made me LOL!Irish man goes for a job at a blacksmiths
blacksmith asks if he has any experiance in shoeing horses
irish man says "no but i once told a donkey to fuck off"
noice 
not really a joke, but its something that always makes me laugh...
i went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
i went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'' It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''
__________________
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'' It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''
__________________
I think these next two are really bad/wrong, but are extremely hilarious, so I guess they could fit here with the "best best" jokes
Did you know Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard???
Neither did she!
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman!
Did you know Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard???
Neither did she!
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman!
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this all."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable.""UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."
This virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this all."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable.""UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."
This virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Last edited by PeoNinja (2008-01-28 12:21:05)
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
__________________
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
__________________
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."
HAHAHAMDFSpacePhantom wrote:
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."
+1
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
hahaha nice one, i love blonde jokes
So i went around my friends the other day as he has just had a baby, he says to me "would you like to wind him for me" i thought to myself that's a bit harsh, so fuck it, i gave it a dead leg instead.
I rang the Rape Advice hot line yesterday but to my disappointment they only help the victims.
Why did god invent thrush? So women also know what its like to live with an irritating cunt.
Why did god invent thrush? So women also know what its like to live with an irritating cunt.
my friend Freezer7Pro has a saltcontainer named rolf....its true ask him if you likePspRpg-7 wrote:
I knew a guy named Rolf.MorbidFetus wrote:
rolfsergeriver wrote:
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
Last edited by thepilot91 (2008-03-06 07:19:13)
rofl1927 wrote:
Why did god invent thrush? So women also know what its like to live with an irritating cunt.
why is PMS called PMS coz
mad cows disease was all ready taken
why do woman get periods
coz they deserve them
mad cows disease was all ready taken
why do woman get periods
coz they deserve them
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her..
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her..
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Hope that guy had good insurance ... that or a good lawyer to keep him out of jail for murder.
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?
She screamed her hands off.
She screamed her hands off.
how do you make a cat say woof?
answer: you take a lot of petrol and a match-->result: WOOOF!
here's one i just laugh when i think bout it, its from a swedishwritten list about "how to become the ultimate retard" its really funny to read (if you're able to read swedish that is) here it goes in english:
buy a pitbull tease it as much you can in 2 years...then let it in to a playground full of children xD
im not this evil real life(almost >.<) but the irony is so hillarious xD
answer: you take a lot of petrol and a match-->result: WOOOF!
here's one i just laugh when i think bout it, its from a swedishwritten list about "how to become the ultimate retard" its really funny to read (if you're able to read swedish that is) here it goes in english:
buy a pitbull tease it as much you can in 2 years...then let it in to a playground full of children xD
im not this evil real life(almost >.<) but the irony is so hillarious xD
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.....Well no not really... just wanted to post this silly bugger.
