LOL!!!ragingtomato wrote:
u have 3 ladies, a redhead, brunette, and a blonde...
they are at the salon and are talking about what they find in their daughters purses...
the redhead says "i found lipstick in my daughters purse, i think she is kissing guys"
the brunette says "i found make up in my daughters purse, she must be trying to get a guy"
the blonde says "i found condoms in my daughers purse, SHE HAS A PENIS!!!!!"
Instead of "Not the Sharpest knife in the drawer" I like either
A) The Wheels Turing, but the hampsters dead
B) He fell off of the stupid tree and hit all the branches on the way down
A) The Wheels Turing, but the hampsters dead
B) He fell off of the stupid tree and hit all the branches on the way down
An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong my son?' says Jesus. The Glaswegian shouts, 'f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!'
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong my son?' says Jesus. The Glaswegian shouts, 'f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!'
A man walks into a Chinese Takeaway, "Oi You" he shouts at the waiter"
"How you know my name?" replies the waiter
"How you know my name?" replies the waiter
Last edited by Titch2349 (2007-06-19 07:49:10)
here is a football (soccer) joke
A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,
'What time does the match start?'
'There's no match today,' replied the official.
'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'
'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.
'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'
'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'
'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',
'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.
A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,
'What time does the match start?'
'There's no match today,' replied the official.
'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'
'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.
'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'
'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'
'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',
'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.
Last edited by Nintendogamer (2007-06-21 02:51:54)
Hehehe, he's missing teeth.
Had to read that a few times to get it...Nintendogamer wrote:
here is a football (soccer) joke
A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,
'What time does the match start?'
'There's no match today,' replied the official.
'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'
'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.
'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'
'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'
'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',
'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.
Michael Barrymore was asked if he'll be doing panto this year.
He said he doesn't think so as he done Alladin six years ago and hasn't heard the last of it.
He said he doesn't think so as he done Alladin six years ago and hasn't heard the last of it.
3 women in a cafe. 1st woman said i'm havin a boob job,
2nd said i'm havin my twat bleached,
3rd woman said i can't imagine your Husband with blonde hair!
2nd said i'm havin my twat bleached,
3rd woman said i can't imagine your Husband with blonde hair!
Kinda bad... But meh.
What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you're already told her twice.
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick learner.
What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you're already told her twice.
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick learner.
whats black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra
whats the difference between Audi's and Hedgehogs?
Hedgehogs have the pricks on the outside
What do monkies and chainsaws have in common?
They both fuck up trees
A Zebra
whats the difference between Audi's and Hedgehogs?
Hedgehogs have the pricks on the outside
What do monkies and chainsaws have in common?
They both fuck up trees
Last edited by Taten (2007-06-24 09:15:45)
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Arkansas State
Trooper. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the trooper because he
is a LAWYER and is certain that he has a better education. The lawyer
decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the trooper's
expense.
The trooper says, "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What for?"
The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law here in Arkansas....License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you can give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-lovin' crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop
or just slow down?"
and More will be add it ........
Trooper. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the trooper because he
is a LAWYER and is certain that he has a better education. The lawyer
decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the trooper's
expense.
The trooper says, "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What for?"
The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law here in Arkansas....License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you can give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-lovin' crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop
or just slow down?"
and More will be add it ........
your so stupid you use a tire pressure gauge to check your IQ.
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?
this one's pretty racist to Asians but...
there was a white man, a Mexican, and an Asian all driving on the road.
they had been drinking a little and got pulled over by a cop.
the cop was an attractive female officer and said.
"Well, I can understand a little drinking tonight...tell you what, if you 3 can show me 17 total inches, I'll let you go..."
The white guy showed her 9 inches.
The Mexican showed her 7 inches.
The Asian showed her one inch.
"Ok...you're good...." The female cop said.
"Wow, good thing I got 9 inches of fun!" the White guy said.
"Same with me! 7 inches!." The Mexican said.
"Good thing I had a boner!" The Asian said.
there was a white man, a Mexican, and an Asian all driving on the road.
they had been drinking a little and got pulled over by a cop.
the cop was an attractive female officer and said.
"Well, I can understand a little drinking tonight...tell you what, if you 3 can show me 17 total inches, I'll let you go..."
The white guy showed her 9 inches.
The Mexican showed her 7 inches.
The Asian showed her one inch.
"Ok...you're good...." The female cop said.
"Wow, good thing I got 9 inches of fun!" the White guy said.
"Same with me! 7 inches!." The Mexican said.
"Good thing I had a boner!" The Asian said.
I got one
Old man sittin on his front porch when a kid walks by with some chicken wire
old man goes "boy what you gonna do with that chicken wire?"
boy says "ima catch me some chickens"
old man says " you a damn fool you cant catch chickens with a chicken wire"
sure enough bout an hour later the boy comes back with about 10 chickens
Next day old man is sittin on his front porch, same boy walks by with some duct tape
old man goes "what u doin with that duct tape boy?"
boy goes " ima catch me some ducks"
old man goes " you a damn fool you cant catch ducks with duct tape"
sure enough the boy comes back with 10 ducks rolled up in duct tape
Next day boy walks by the old mans house
old man goes " what you got there?"
boy says "pussywillow"
old man says "hold on ill get my hat"
JOKE NUMBER TWO
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she was a married woman.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $150 if you let me have you."
The girl refused, so Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her husband. So she
called her husband and told him the story. Her husband said, "Ask him for $300 but pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the husband calls and asked what happened.
"The bastard used quaters," the wife replied.
JOKE NUMBER THREE
A couple were sitting up waiting for their fifteen year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy comes into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” he said breathlessly. "Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time and it was wonderful."
His mother turned bright red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him." Then she left the room.
The father said, "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till pay-day to get it".
"That's OK Dad," said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore.”
JOKE NUMBER FOUR
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he commented.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating candies. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. That is why you named your child Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, let's go."
JOKE NUMBER FIVE
One night little Jimmy heard his mother yelling, went to her bedroom, and saw her riding up and down on his father.
The next day he asked his mother what she was doing and she told him she was letting the air out of daddy.
Little Jimmy told her it was a waste of time because the lady next door would be round tomorrow afternoon to blow him back up again.
JOKE NUMBER SIX
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes to his father saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises.
A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"
The son replies, "Well dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant came up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to 'do me' with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first," said the son.
JOKE NUMBER SEVEN
This one is for CameronPoe
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Old man sittin on his front porch when a kid walks by with some chicken wire
old man goes "boy what you gonna do with that chicken wire?"
boy says "ima catch me some chickens"
old man says " you a damn fool you cant catch chickens with a chicken wire"
sure enough bout an hour later the boy comes back with about 10 chickens
Next day old man is sittin on his front porch, same boy walks by with some duct tape
old man goes "what u doin with that duct tape boy?"
boy goes " ima catch me some ducks"
old man goes " you a damn fool you cant catch ducks with duct tape"
sure enough the boy comes back with 10 ducks rolled up in duct tape
Next day boy walks by the old mans house
old man goes " what you got there?"
boy says "pussywillow"
old man says "hold on ill get my hat"
JOKE NUMBER TWO
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she was a married woman.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $150 if you let me have you."
The girl refused, so Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her husband. So she
called her husband and told him the story. Her husband said, "Ask him for $300 but pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the husband calls and asked what happened.
"The bastard used quaters," the wife replied.
JOKE NUMBER THREE
A couple were sitting up waiting for their fifteen year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy comes into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” he said breathlessly. "Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time and it was wonderful."
His mother turned bright red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him." Then she left the room.
The father said, "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till pay-day to get it".
"That's OK Dad," said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore.”
JOKE NUMBER FOUR
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he commented.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating candies. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. That is why you named your child Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, let's go."
JOKE NUMBER FIVE
One night little Jimmy heard his mother yelling, went to her bedroom, and saw her riding up and down on his father.
The next day he asked his mother what she was doing and she told him she was letting the air out of daddy.
Little Jimmy told her it was a waste of time because the lady next door would be round tomorrow afternoon to blow him back up again.
JOKE NUMBER SIX
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes to his father saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises.
A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"
The son replies, "Well dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant came up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to 'do me' with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first," said the son.
JOKE NUMBER SEVEN
This one is for CameronPoe
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Last edited by Liberal-Sl@yer (2007-07-04 23:36:19)
3 nuns died in a car wreak. as they approached the gate of heaven an angel had to ask them each a question to allow them into heaven..
angel said to the 1st nun." who was the 1st man on earth?"
the nun replied "oh that an easy one' Adam"
(the gates open and the music played as she went in)
angel ask the 2nd nun"who was the 1st woman on earth?"
the nun replied "oh thats an easy on also, Eve"
(the gates open and the music played as she went in)
the angel ask the 3rd nun"what was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam?"
the 3rd nun replied" ohh that a hard one"
(the gates open and the music played as she went in)
angel said to the 1st nun." who was the 1st man on earth?"
the nun replied "oh that an easy one' Adam"
(the gates open and the music played as she went in)
angel ask the 2nd nun"who was the 1st woman on earth?"
the nun replied "oh thats an easy on also, Eve"
(the gates open and the music played as she went in)
the angel ask the 3rd nun"what was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam?"
the 3rd nun replied" ohh that a hard one"
(the gates open and the music played as she went in)
Last edited by DankmanHightimes (2007-07-08 10:12:25)
Q. what do you call the little black box on the side of a satalite dish?
A. A council House!
A. A council House!
I respect every religion
Which hotel has the most stars worldwide?
Auschwitz, 6 million .
Which hotel has the most stars worldwide?
Auschwitz, 6 million .
(World War 2 but whatever.)
There was a British trench 50 yards from a German trench, and it was a stalemate. Everytime someone popped their head up, it was shot clean off it's shoulders by the opposing force.
The British highest rank thought up a plan. He asked his soldiers "What's a common German name?" The soldiers replied "HANS!" so the soldiers began to shout "HANS!" and the Germans were popping up one by one, shouting "Ya?!" only to be shot by the British soldiers.
In the other trench, the German higher rank finally caught onto this, and he asked his men "What's a common British name?" to which his soldiers replied "TOMMY!" so the Germans shouted "TOMMY!!!" and the British soldiers shouted back "Is that you Hans??" to which Hans popped his head up and shouted "Ya!!"
xD
There was a British trench 50 yards from a German trench, and it was a stalemate. Everytime someone popped their head up, it was shot clean off it's shoulders by the opposing force.
The British highest rank thought up a plan. He asked his soldiers "What's a common German name?" The soldiers replied "HANS!" so the soldiers began to shout "HANS!" and the Germans were popping up one by one, shouting "Ya?!" only to be shot by the British soldiers.
In the other trench, the German higher rank finally caught onto this, and he asked his men "What's a common British name?" to which his soldiers replied "TOMMY!" so the Germans shouted "TOMMY!!!" and the British soldiers shouted back "Is that you Hans??" to which Hans popped his head up and shouted "Ya!!"
xD
A blond is suspicious of her boyfriend, and tells her that she is going out of town for a week. She comes home the next day with a shiny new gun to find her boyfriend in bed with a stunning red head. She pulls out the gun, and points it at her boyfriend. She has a quick change of heart and pulls it to her head. The boyfriend screams "NO HONEY!! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!" to which she replies "Shut up!! You're next!!"
I'm the biggest joke in the entire universe. ._.
Hillarious.VaLzbeStoNeD wrote:
I'm the biggest joke in the entire universe. ._.
I know lots of jokes but I don't know how to say them in english
I just hit a skoda
cake everywhere.
cake everywhere.