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Prodie
Moderator Emeritus
+270|6107|Nova Scotia, Canada

Post all your good hilarious jokes here.......no corny ones allowed Marco!
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina
Signs you are too drunk:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-23 05:53:47)

MorbidFetus
Member
+76|5884|Ohio

sergeriver wrote:

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
rolf
PspRpg-7
-
+961|6031

MorbidFetus wrote:

sergeriver wrote:

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
rolf
I knew a guy named Rolf.
AnimalMotherGLP
Member
+14|5813

PspRpg-7 wrote:

MorbidFetus wrote:

sergeriver wrote:

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
rolf
I knew a guy named Rolf.
Lawlz owned.
Jzus369
Member
+8|5790
A priest, a rabbi, the pope, a talking dog, a blonde, a blind man, a redneck, a polish guy, two nuns and a guy with a duck on his head walk into a bar and the place collapses in on itself in a joke cliché implosion.
hordi74
Member
+16|5798|Capital City of Nds, Germany

PspRpg-7 wrote:

MorbidFetus wrote:

sergeriver wrote:

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
rolf
I knew a guy named Rolf.
mmuuaahahahahaaaaa +1 for that
Prodie
Moderator Emeritus
+270|6107|Nova Scotia, Canada

Gahh quadruple post!

You can post more than one joke in a reply serge!
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina

Prodie wrote:

Gahh quadruple post!

You can post more than one joke in a reply serge!
Ok, I will dude.
flyboy65
dapilot
+2|5778
best one I've seen in awhile

Last edited by flyboy65 (2006-09-04 10:56:12)

sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)
wah1188
You orrible caaaaaaan't
+321|5793|UK
Class joke absolute class where you find it?
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina

wah1188 wrote:

Class joke absolute class where you find it?
My american relatives send me this shit everyday.  They receive thousands of mails with funny stuff and they send 'em to me, so I have the mailbox full of them.
CanadianLoser
Meow :3 :3
+1,148|5841
lol
Prodie
Moderator Emeritus
+270|6107|Nova Scotia, Canada

One of the best jokes, ever!

+1
tupla_s
.
+455|5925|Finland
Good one +1
the_water_boy82
Member
+2|5971
serge we get it you hate GW boosh and u hate republicans


i say fuck those parties vote NADER he will win after he is dead
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina

the_water_boy82 wrote:

serge we get it you hate GW boosh and u hate republicans


i say fuck those parties vote NADER he will win after he is dead
I only paste jokes they send me.  You want Clinton's?
sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina
Bush Jokes:

1-George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.
Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

2-George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

3-Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

4-While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-23 05:56:03)

sergeriver
Cowboy from Hell
+1,928|6090|Argentina
Clinton Jokes:

1-One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars. "He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

2-The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it moves from one mouth to another..."

3-Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"

4-A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-23 05:56:41)

kardinalios
Member
+7|6024|Greece
The teacher gets in classroom of an elementary school and she saw the word penis in small letters...
All kids looked so innocent…and she decided to don’t say a word and erase it with the sponge.
Second day,same word in bigger letters.
Same reaction from the teacher.
Third day,same word in bigger letters.
Same reaction from the teacher.
Forth day she saw in very big letters
AS LONG AS YOU MASSAGE IT,SO MUCH IT GROWS
phnxfrhwk
Member
+14|6006|Just outside of baltimore, Md.
Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood


There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who
lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare
plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone
took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes
referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this
term that she would have thought less of the person if a close
biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people
who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all
packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed
until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help
engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based
on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants,
but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all
marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be
accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a
woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some
flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to
strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding
sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop
an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse
me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards
her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he
put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and
awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you
in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but
I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his
grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of
confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem
and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little
Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her
head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat
and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a
trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on
his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you
have any Maalox?"
BrOk_MoRdU
Psychotic Sniper Inc.
+76|5885|The Land of Claywhore
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
PhantomNinja
Member
+8|5792
Three explorers, John, Jack and Bob were walking in a jungle when a tribe of cannibals captures them.  They are brought to the leader of the tribe.

He tells them, "I will let you guys go if you can go get ten pieces of the same fruit from the jungle, and come back."

The first guy, John comes back, holding 10 oranges. The leader of the tribe tells him to shove them all up his ass without making a sound before he is to be set free. 

He starts to shove one of the oranges up, but halfway through, he shrieks in pain and is killed by the tribe. 

Jack comes back about 5 minutes later, holding 10 grapes.  The leader tells him to do the same thing as John.

He gets started, and shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 grapes up, and without warning, he bursts into laughter.  He is also killed.

In heaven, Jack and John meet.  John says, "Dude! you were so close to getting 10, there were only 2 more! Why did you start laughing?"

"Well, just as I bent over, I saw Bob coming back with 10 pineapples!"

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