KEN-JENNINGS
I am all that is MOD!
+2,978|6843|949

We have heard the "holy shit, a talking (insert noun here)" too many times.  Originality FTW!

Edit:  Here's one - What sound does a water truck colliding with a vinegar truck make?

Douche!

Last edited by KEN-JENNINGS (2006-06-15 14:03:23)

Marconius
One-eyed Wonder Mod
+368|6905|San Francisco
Two pretzels were walking down a street.  One was assaulted! 

-----

One atoms says to another atom, "Oh no!  I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!!"

---

I once bet a butcher that he wouldn't be able to stack meat on the top shelf of his new refrigerator room.  He declined, saying that the steaks were too high.

What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
Dam!

Why don't blind people like to skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dogs.

----

What time do kids need their naps?
At whine o'clock.

You can substitute n00bs for kids in that joke in order to keep it in line with BF2.
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6986|Noizyland

Man... that dead baby joke cracked me up more than anything else so far. And this is meant to be a worst jokes thread, (maybe morally.)
Black Humour rules.

- What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
- A paraplegic after a house fire.

Here's a pretty bad one...
Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.
The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!"

The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"

The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."



I feel mean...
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
CameronPoe
Member
+2,925|6766
Guy walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher:
'Can I have some of that meat up there on that shelf?'
To which the butcher replies:
'No way'
Puzzled, the man replies:
'Whyever not?'
Butcher:
'Because the steaks are too high.'

T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E
Beer_Ranger
Member
+18|6906|usa
Why was the boy mellon so sad? Because the girl mellon told him they cantaloupe...

*say it outloud if you dont get it*
Marconius
One-eyed Wonder Mod
+368|6905|San Francisco
Man, that's two of my jokes that have been repeated here, Cameron, though mine was a bit different   Oh well, I have more...

Here's a fun long one, really good to annoy your friends with!

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6986|Noizyland

AAARRGH! Marco stoppit! That's the kind of joke that'll get you a slap accross the face.

See if you can get these:
  Word                       Translation
- Eclipse                     What a barber does for a living
- Fortunate                 Consumption of an expensive meal
- Gargoyle                  Olive-flavoured mouthwash
- Heroes                     What a guy in a boat does
- Isolate                      Me not on time
- Knowledge                Nothing to stand on
- Legend                     A foot
- Munchkin                  When cannibals eat their family
- Nitrate                      Cheaper than day rate
- Pecan                       Container in which to urinate
- Protien                      In favour of youth
- Relief                        What trees do in spring
- Support                     Drink fortified wine.

Can I hear a collective groan??
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
mKmalfunction
Infamous meleeKings cult. Est. 2003 B.C.
+82|6751|The Lost Highway

KEN-JENNINGS wrote:

We have heard the "holy shit, a talking (insert noun here)" too many times.  Originality FTW!
You must be two steps ahead of me on the cool factor, seeing as how you're from the 'OC.' Smoke my ass sack.

Last edited by mKmalfunction (2006-06-15 21:06:34)

Donald O' Brien
Member
+104|6915
Why can't seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they would have to be called bagels.
JOJOBA
my penis itches
+18|6744|Columbus, OH

KEN-JENNINGS wrote:

JOJOBA wrote:

how do you shoot women and children??

easy, just dont lead em' as much!
That's not a joke, thats a quote from Full Metal Jacket, said by the gunner in the chopper as Joker and Raptorman are going into the combat zone.
whats your point?  i know that... but i think its funny.
Poncho
and I'm not a raincoat...
+91|6919|NL
Comes a rabbit to a bakery and says "Do you got carrot pie?". Baker says: "No"

Next week. Rabbit comes again to the bakery and says "Do you got carrot pie?". Baker says: "No"

and again next week. Rabbit comes again to the bakery and says "Do you got carrot pie?". Baker says: "No" but now the baker is getting smart and makes a carrot pie.

next week. oh yeah. there is Mr. rabbit and says to the baker: "Do you got carrot pie?". Baker says: "Yes, I do" and the rabbit replies "Dirty aint it?!"


dude, it socks translating dutch jokes. what is "vies hé" in English?
Marconius
One-eyed Wonder Mod
+368|6905|San Francisco
So two guys walk into a bar.  Ouch Ouch.
liquidat0r
wtf.
+2,223|6838|UK

Tyferra wrote:

See if you can get these:
  Word                       Translation
- Eclipse                     What a barber does for a living
etc...

Can I hear a collective groan??
*groan*

Why are Pirates called Pirates? 'cos they arrrrrgh

Last edited by liquidat0r (2006-06-16 00:30:33)

Sarrk
O-O-O A-O A
+788|6867|Brisbane, Australia

There are three guys, Jordan, Frank and George

They get thrown into a jail one day

The police inspector comes to the first guy, Jordan, and says:

Jordan, why are you in jail?

He Replies: I was blowing bubbles in the park

The inspector is puzzeled, so he moves on to Frank

He asks him the same question: Why are you in jail Frank?

He replies: Oh, I was blowing bubbles in the park aswell

The inspector is still clueless, so he moves onto the last guy

He says: George, why are you in jail

And he replies: My names not George, its Bubbles.......................
nev
Member
+23|6797|Land of OZ
Kevin was the new guy on the viking slave ship. He soon figured that anyone not pulling their weight was mercilessly flogged with the cat o' nine tails. This one poor guy who was sitting in front was on his last legs.

The slave master saw him slackening and proceeded to whip him. Kevin was shocked to see the slave whipped savagely till his body cried enough and died.

At this the slave master walks down the isle and flogs every single slave. When he's finished all the slaves pull their dicks out, lay back and piss in the air.

Kevin had never seen such a thing. Confused he nudges his buddy next to him and says, "Mate, what the hell was that all about", His neighbor replies,

"When someone finishes up round here we like to have a quick whip round and piss up"
nev
Member
+23|6797|Land of OZ
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
nev
Member
+23|6797|Land of OZ
And my last and hopefully worst joke:

Dave, a young New Zealand tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,"No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Dave. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for.

The challenge is irresistible.

She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Dave and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Dave leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in New Zealand dollars?"
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|6885|Cardiff, Capital of Wales
Your Momma

Your momma so fat when she falls over curry sauce and gravy pour out her knee, as she rocks herself to sleep.  She so fat she got more chins than a chinese phone book.

If people from Poland are called poles why arn't the dutch called holes?
Poncho
and I'm not a raincoat...
+91|6919|NL

Marconius wrote:

So two guys walk into a bar.  Ouch Ouch.
lol, yeah the bar jokes.

So three guys walk into a bar. A dutch, german and italian.... and the bartender says: "is this some kind of joke?"
Prodie
Moderator Emeritus
+270|6985|Nova Scotia, Canada

This one is for you Marconius:

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face"?
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|6986|Noizyland

@ Nev:
Nice one mate, fucken nice one!
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
okashii
Member
+34|6740|I'm form Poland and I hate it
A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a double scotch...
<bartender> With ice ?
<penguin> ....fuck you.....
jkohlc
2142th Whore
+214|6737|Singapore

Poncho wrote:

Marconius wrote:

So two guys walk into a bar.  Ouch Ouch.
lol, yeah the bar jokes.

So three guys walk into a bar. A dutch, german and italian.... and the bartender says: "is this some kind of joke?"
ok im a newb and i dont understand this joke...can anyone explain?
master_blaster_josh
Member
+67|6791|nl- utecht
HERE IS A NICE one:
HI!
*=]AD[=*Pro_NL
Member
+77|6840|The Netherlands
look, a flying rhino......hahahaha

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