4 jokes, in order of length and graphic-ness:
1. (Rated R) Two guys, both of whom haven't eaten or drunk in days, stagger through an endless plain. Suddenly one sees a shack on the horizon. "Maybe there's food and water in there!" So one of them knocks on the door. It opens quickly, a hand reaches out to pull him in, and closes behind him.
Once inside, he finds himself face-to-face with the ugliest, wrinkliest, smelliest old lady he'd ever seen--and worse, it looks like she's coming on to him! Wanting desperately to get the hell out of there he blurts, "Ma'am, do you have any food or water?"
"Oh, you can have all the food and water you like. But first you have to fuck me. Deal?"
Knowing he was at most a day from dehydrating to death, he reluctantly chokes out a "Yeah". Casting about for a substitute for his own wang, he finds an ear of corn in the refrigerator. "Close your eyes and open your legs and you will get a big surprise!" he says, with all the enthusiasm he can muster. Five minutes of the most awkward dildo later, it's over. He tosses the corn out the window before she opens her eyes again, and he grabs the food and water and runs outside as quickly as humanly possible.
"Hey man, you wouldn't BELIEVE what I had to go through to get this," he tells his friend, offering him some food and water.
"Really? That's tough. Right here, five feet away from the window in this shack, I found some hot buttered corn just lying there! It sounded like you were having lots of fun in there so I ate it all. Sorry."
2. (Rated PG-13) Some guy walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is this midget sitting down at a half-size piano, plunking out a song.
"Where'd you find him?" he asks the bartender.
"Oh, I just got back from a trip to the Middle East. Turns out I bought a magic lamp! Tell you what, have a beer and I'll grab the lamp for you."
So he buys a beer, drinks it, and rubs the lamp. "I wish for a million bucks!" he says. "You will find them where you parked," a voice from the lamp replies.
Walking out to the parking lot, the guy sees more ducks than he's ever seen in his life, flocking around his car!
"Bartender, your genie misunderstood me. I wished for a million bucks, but instead I get a million ducks!"
The bartender grimaces and points to the midget playing the piano. "I know," he sighs. "You think I asked for a two-foot pianist?"
3. (Rated PG, but offensive to some) What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
Sometimes the garbage gets picked up.
4. (Rated G) How many BF2 players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixty-four. Eight will have connection problems, 13 will have lag, 9 will be spawn killed at the grocery store, 3 will stumble into a claymore at the checkout, one will be banned for trying to shoplift the bulb, 10 got their accounts reset for coupon-padding, and 19 will get killed going up the ladder to the light bulb socket.
Last edited by [QXJZ]Capt_Kefra (2006-04-28 04:45:28)
