Im being serious but having a joke with it, if I didn't I'd probably start to worry.
For about 5 years now I suffer from these fucking egg shape things that grow on my ass, within an inch or two of my dignity if you get me??
They are probably caused by an in growing hair, I have had two operated on and bravely burst approx 10 myself, pint of Jacks n coke, couple of spliffs, two paracetamol, a hot bath, I put myself into a posistion only the Chinese Circus could appriciate and either stab the fucker or burst it like a spot until all blood n pus shoot out. When this happens I can only describe the relief like a tooth being removed, the pain just leaves you.
Now when this first happeend about 4 years ago I was like 'Wtf, wat the fucking fuck is that fucking thing doing there, and how the fucking fuck did it get there?' I have never been a batty boy, never indulged in a bit of bum fun, never going to.
I phoned NHS Direct and some bird on the phone said 'Go and get it looked at' - Can you imagine the fucking shame of it? I reckon since then more people have looked at my ring than a proud bride could ever wish for. Infact two girls I know who are Docs/Nurses have had a look to much laughter, One I used to drink with, One Ive known for 15+ years.
So, they put you to sleep, and cut the fucker open releasing all the pus, you wake up and its stuffed with bandages. Imagine your middle finger, thats the hole that is left, packed with bandages. They don't stitch the wound. The hosp make you have a bath, pull the tampon shaped thing out ya new hole they made you (you cant shit out of it btw), the nurses put a new one in (this fucking hurts, fuck me it kills, open wound and they poking bandages in with a metal spike thing) and then seal over the top of it with a big fuck off sticky plaster. I dunno what hurts more, the spike in the wound or ya arse hairs stuck with a big plaster, either way you walk like John Wayne (yeah Hello Cowboy).
Im going in on Sunday to have an operation on Monday. They arn't doing the normal thing as at the moment I don't have any eggs growing out my ass but what I have is scars where these have been over the years where I and them have sorted them. Picture the line from ya arsehole to your lower back ?? Got it?? They going to cut that away (3"??) all the way into my spine as they reckon I got a hair wrapped around it. My joke about rabbits didnt go down well with the consultant from what I remember.
The piece they remove will resemble a slice of cake ?? Wtf wat the fucking fuck you fuckers, 'how the fuck will I not die'? It must be like sitting your ass on a grenade to save ya mates like? If they drop a tool on my spine I could be playing Mario Kart for the rest of my days if you get me??
Ive told them Im coming home same day, I like nurses (student ones) but I fucking hate hospitals. I have just chipped my Daughters DS and been downloading games like they going out of fashion (kids, this is naughty, don't fucking do it), I will make a few spliffs for Sun night to smoke after the Mrs drops me and leaves me, and I will put my phone on silent so I can text her. They probably wont let me eat or drink so instead of going at 2pm, Ive told them 'Im cooking my usual Sunday Roast, see you about 7pm', suprisingly they seemed ok with this. I wanted to watch 'Dancing on Ice' but thought this could be pushing it a bit.
The OP is Monday morning, I can come home when I can tolerate the bandages being changed with no pain relief. Ive told them 'that'll be Monday afternoon then'. Man it fucking hurts, Ive never felt a sharp pain like it. Then every day for approx 6 weeks nurses will come to my house (well the Mrs's) and change my dressings daily. I have to lie there naked, just after having a bath (have to pull the old one out every day in the bath) and they poke a new one in.
I do not wish this on my worst enemies, Ive had smaller versions of this but never this on this scale. Im fucking fucked man.
I hope to post on bf2s while I recover at the Gf's house, depends when I can sit down, might not be for a week or two even, thats my sport knocked on the head for a while then.
This is what I suffer from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perianal_abscess
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, DON'T TYPE THAT INTO 'IMAGE' LIKE i JUST DID YOU MIGHT DO A LIL SICK IN YOUR MOUTH.
I DON'T WANT TO GO NOW AND HAVE IT DONE, BUT HAVE TO. MY ASS HASN'T EVEN GOT ANY FUCKING LUMPS ON IT.
Bit ironic I know but trust me, I'm fucking shitting bricks.
Open Arse Surgery
For about 5 years now I suffer from these fucking egg shape things that grow on my ass, within an inch or two of my dignity if you get me??
They are probably caused by an in growing hair, I have had two operated on and bravely burst approx 10 myself, pint of Jacks n coke, couple of spliffs, two paracetamol, a hot bath, I put myself into a posistion only the Chinese Circus could appriciate and either stab the fucker or burst it like a spot until all blood n pus shoot out. When this happens I can only describe the relief like a tooth being removed, the pain just leaves you.
Now when this first happeend about 4 years ago I was like 'Wtf, wat the fucking fuck is that fucking thing doing there, and how the fucking fuck did it get there?' I have never been a batty boy, never indulged in a bit of bum fun, never going to.
I phoned NHS Direct and some bird on the phone said 'Go and get it looked at' - Can you imagine the fucking shame of it? I reckon since then more people have looked at my ring than a proud bride could ever wish for. Infact two girls I know who are Docs/Nurses have had a look to much laughter, One I used to drink with, One Ive known for 15+ years.
So, they put you to sleep, and cut the fucker open releasing all the pus, you wake up and its stuffed with bandages. Imagine your middle finger, thats the hole that is left, packed with bandages. They don't stitch the wound. The hosp make you have a bath, pull the tampon shaped thing out ya new hole they made you (you cant shit out of it btw), the nurses put a new one in (this fucking hurts, fuck me it kills, open wound and they poking bandages in with a metal spike thing) and then seal over the top of it with a big fuck off sticky plaster. I dunno what hurts more, the spike in the wound or ya arse hairs stuck with a big plaster, either way you walk like John Wayne (yeah Hello Cowboy).
Im going in on Sunday to have an operation on Monday. They arn't doing the normal thing as at the moment I don't have any eggs growing out my ass but what I have is scars where these have been over the years where I and them have sorted them. Picture the line from ya arsehole to your lower back ?? Got it?? They going to cut that away (3"??) all the way into my spine as they reckon I got a hair wrapped around it. My joke about rabbits didnt go down well with the consultant from what I remember.
The piece they remove will resemble a slice of cake ?? Wtf wat the fucking fuck you fuckers, 'how the fuck will I not die'? It must be like sitting your ass on a grenade to save ya mates like? If they drop a tool on my spine I could be playing Mario Kart for the rest of my days if you get me??
Ive told them Im coming home same day, I like nurses (student ones) but I fucking hate hospitals. I have just chipped my Daughters DS and been downloading games like they going out of fashion (kids, this is naughty, don't fucking do it), I will make a few spliffs for Sun night to smoke after the Mrs drops me and leaves me, and I will put my phone on silent so I can text her. They probably wont let me eat or drink so instead of going at 2pm, Ive told them 'Im cooking my usual Sunday Roast, see you about 7pm', suprisingly they seemed ok with this. I wanted to watch 'Dancing on Ice' but thought this could be pushing it a bit.
The OP is Monday morning, I can come home when I can tolerate the bandages being changed with no pain relief. Ive told them 'that'll be Monday afternoon then'. Man it fucking hurts, Ive never felt a sharp pain like it. Then every day for approx 6 weeks nurses will come to my house (well the Mrs's) and change my dressings daily. I have to lie there naked, just after having a bath (have to pull the old one out every day in the bath) and they poke a new one in.
I do not wish this on my worst enemies, Ive had smaller versions of this but never this on this scale. Im fucking fucked man.
I hope to post on bf2s while I recover at the Gf's house, depends when I can sit down, might not be for a week or two even, thats my sport knocked on the head for a while then.
This is what I suffer from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perianal_abscess
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, DON'T TYPE THAT INTO 'IMAGE' LIKE i JUST DID YOU MIGHT DO A LIL SICK IN YOUR MOUTH.
I DON'T WANT TO GO NOW AND HAVE IT DONE, BUT HAVE TO. MY ASS HASN'T EVEN GOT ANY FUCKING LUMPS ON IT.
Bit ironic I know but trust me, I'm fucking shitting bricks.
Open Arse Surgery
