We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POO FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Added Descriptions:
Ghost Poop = You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop = Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Poop = This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Poop = You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop = You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop = This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Poop = This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop = You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop = This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) = You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop = This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle = The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop = The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber = The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop = The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop = The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Poop = The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Poop = The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Poop = When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POO FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Added Descriptions:
Ghost Poop = You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop = Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Poop = This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Poop = You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop = You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop = This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Poop = This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop = You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop = This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) = You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop = This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle = The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop = The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber = The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop = The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop = The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Poop = The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Poop = The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Poop = When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.